Frantic Binging, Compulsive Exercising, and a little knitting on the side

I spent the first couple hours of my time alone frantically binging on food. Anything and everything I could get my hands on. Pancakes, cereal, pizza bites, cheese, I don’t even remember everything. I felt almost crazed.

When I finally couldn’t eat anymore, I literally freaked out. I took off immediately to my stationary bike and hit it hard for the next couple hours. When I couldn’t do that anymore, I collapsed on my bed for a while to recover. Now my ankle, which has osteoarthritis, is really sore from how hard I’ve been pushing it the last few days.

Now, I’m watching Kim Possible and knitting. I’m making a lot of progress on my friend’s scarf. I’m probably about halfway done. I’m really excited about the progress.

Luckily, people will be home soon and I don’t have to spend the night alone. I have an even harder time alone once it gets dark.

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Knitting, Swimming, and DBT

See the scarf I’m making for a friend? I recently taught myself to knit. When I finished making my first scarf, a friend asked if I’d make her a yellow scarf, so I am! I really like knitting. It helps keep me occupied when I’m struggling. It also gives me something to do when I’m feeling bored and apathetic, which happens a lot lately.

I ran a lot of errands yesterday. First, I saw my therapist. She wants me to do a year-long DBT program. She thinks it could really help me. I think so too, but I’m not sure how I feel about making a year commitment. After seeing my therapist, I went to the eating disorder center where I just finished 4 months of treatment so I could pick up my scale that they were holding for me during treatment. Getting them to give it to me was like pulling teeth. I understand why they don’t want me to have it, but it IS mine.

One of the errands I ran yesterday was to get yarn. I didn’t have any after the first scarf I made, and I definitely didn’t have any yellow yarn. I may have purchased quite a bit of yarn. I got the yellow for my friend and some pink for my sister and some teal for myself and then a few other colors I just thought were cool. I don’t know what I’ll do with the extra yarn, but it was just so pretty.

Today I had physical therapy in the pool. I love pt in the pool. It makes me so much more sore and tired than doing it in the gym (which is so counterintuitive), but I have way more fun. Plus, I get to swim laps at the end. I love the water. It’s the one place I feel truly happy.

Something’s not right here

So, one edge of my…whatever this turns out to be (I’m guessing a scarf) is smooth and straight.

However, the other edge is jagged and irregular. I have no idea why, or what I’m doing wrong.

Anyone out there with knitting experience know what the problem is?

Well, look who’s knitting!

It’s not the cleanest, and it’s still very slow going, but I finally figured it out!

My mom got home and I explained the problem I was having. I didn’t even know my mom knew how to knit. She showed me a different way to cast on, and that solved part of the problem. Then, we sat for about an hour passing the needles back and forth trying to figure out how to adjust everything so I can knit left-handed. We finally got everything figured out.

I am actually really enjoying myself. I started crying a little. I needed something like this. Something healthy and productive that I can put my time toward. In the last couple hours, I haven’t engaged in any behaviors, I’ve been learning to knit.

In Which I do NOT Learn to Knit

I grabbed my new knitting needles, pulled my box of yarn from to the shelf in my closet, and set to finding tutorials for knitting.

I tried right-handed tutorials, I tried left-handed tutorials, I tried videos and articles, I just don’t understand. 😦

The picture is how far I’ve gotten. I’m not even sure that part is correct. And I can’t figure out how to do the next row. I know I’m supposed to “put the second needle through the first loop” and “wrap the yarn around the working needle” and “pull it through the loop” but what all that actually means in mechanics, I can’t figure it out. I’m not sure how the loop gets off the original needle, or what direction I’m supposed to be going through these loops, or, just pretty much anything.

I’m really sad.

I’m going to keep trying to find instructions I understand, though. I don’t want to give up.

If nothing else, maybe I can sneak into an assisted living home and one of the elderly ladies can teach me… Seriously, though, it shouldn’t be this hard to figure out, should it?

Preparing for Partial Hospitalization

I got a call (finally!) from the eating disorder center. I’m still scheduled to start at the beginning of July. So, I was thinking to myself what to expect and what it’s going to be like and trying not to freak out about the concept of eating all day long without throwing anything up or taking any laxatives. I have this vision in my head of my whole body just filled to overflowing with decaying food. It’s not a pretty picture.

When I was doing the IOP there, I noticed that a lot of the PHP patients would knit during their free time. So! In anticipation of starting PHP in just over a week, I decided to take up knitting. Not because they do it, but because I know I’m going to need something to do to occupy my mind and time while I try to get used to food being, and staying, in my body, and knitting seems like a good thing for that.

I bought some knitting needles on Amazon, they should be here in a few days. Then, I shall set about teaching myself this thing called knitting. (I have a box full of yarn in my closet, which is part of why I decided to go with knitting.)