For evening snack Friday night, I had a challenge snack and at a half cup of ice cream. Earlier that evening, my dad had, I thought jokingly, told me I couldn’t have any ice cream until I moved a lamp he wanted me to move. The lamp isn’t in a place I normally see, and he always reminds me when I’m in the middle of something else.
So when he saw I had eaten ice cream, he asked if I had moved the lamp. I said no. He told me to go to the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat and throw it up. I was in complete shock, and didn’t know how to respond. I already wanted to purge the ice cream. And my dad knows I’m bulimic. He knows I’m in treatment for bulimia. He takes me to and from treatment every day!
I went to my room and texted my mom, in tears, and told her what happened and how I wanted to purge and how his comment just kept going through my brain. She told me that she knew my brain was probably being really loud, but to try knitting or watching something and distracting myself. So I did. I got out my knitting and I put on Parks and Recreation and I just sat in my room trying to pretend me father didn’t exist and I distracted myself for the next couple hours until I eventually went to bed, purge-free.
I binged (on liquids, at least) and purged again tonight. Now I’m numb. Too numb to care. And tired. Too tired to knit. I think I’ll lie in bed and watch Mash and give into the numbness.
Today I have gone to the laundromat, cleaned everything, packed, baked, eaten, purged, started a scarf, and yet I still feel like I haven’t done anything today. I feel unaccomplished. I feel like I have so much energy and so many ideas and I want to do all of them right now and that’s obviously not feasible and it’s frustrating because no matter how much I get done, I won’t even begin to chip away at the list flying around in my head so it feels negligible. My day is running out and I still have so much to check off that list that I feel frantic to get everything done.
So you may know by now that I have bipolar 2. You may also know that it’s not well controlled because I can’t get in to see a psychiatrist at the mental health clinic where I am seen for…mental health…and I need my meds adjusted.
Lately, I have been listless and apathetic. Completely devoid of any motivation and any desire to do anything. I lost all interest in everything. I couldn’t even knit anymore. I was sleeping 12 hours at night and taking naps during the day and was still tired all the time.
Then, yesterday, it happened. Like flipping a light switch. I had energy!! I had motivation! I was determined to get. shit. done. I cleaned the whole house yesterday. (Yes, before the planned binge and purge that I wrote about.) I felt so accomplished! I went to bed at my normal time last night, but didn’t sleep. NO! My mind raced around and round. My legs wouldn’t hold still. I was still a bundle of energy. After trying for 3 hours to sleep, I got up and filled out paperwork for the ENT I’m seeing today. Then I ate ice cream and purged that. Then I went back to bed. I didn’t try to sleep, though. I just lay there and used my phone and watched Netflix until sometime early in the morning.
I woke up at 6am ready to start the day! I want to do stuff! I want to pack. I want to clean. I want to bake! I want to knit 15 scarves! My body almost aches with energy!
I finally finished my niece’s scarf, so I have a complete set. A toddler-sized hat and scarf each for my 18 month old niece and nephew. I can’t wait until they’re back from visiting my brother-in-law’s family so I can try them on the twins!
I was supposed to meet with my therapist today, but she called out sick this morning. I was out most of the day anyway running errands.
Today I had frozen yogurt. The last time I had it, I cried. I did a lot better this time, even though I did go and work out directly after eating it. I don’t know why certain foods freak me out more than others.
Someone has been showing interest in me the last few days and it’s been scaring me. I don’t know how to handle the romantic interest he’s showing. I just want to push him away, but a little part of me wants to be ok with it so I haven’t told him to back off. Plus, I just don’t know how to respond. I think part of me is scared to make him mad by saying no. I know that’s probably not a good thing, but it’s true.
I don’t actually have a drivers license. Yes, I’m 31 and have no license. Driving just makes me so anxious that I usually avoid it and have done so for 15 years. However, I recognize that I need my license for independence purposes, so today, I went driving. I drove around suburbs and quiet neighborhoods for about an hour. Next time, I might get out onto some main streets. I hope to be ready to pass my driving test within the next couple months.
I also worked a lot on my niece’s scarf, which is good because I’ve been so depressed lately that I haven’t been knitting and hardly anything has gotten done on it. I’ve made it to almost 2 feet now, so that’s wonderful! I need to have it finished by the 22nd when my sister gets back.
And I, of course, worked out. Food intake was pretty good today. I think it was pretty close to what a “normal” person would eat. I’m trying to curb the binging and restricting.
I also developed a fever. My rheumatologist told me this is a side effect of the rheumatoid arthritis. I took a nap for a couple hours and felt a little better after.
Also, this is my 500th post.
I started a new scarf today using the pattern above (the picture links to the pattern). I’ve been meaning to start the scarf for a few days now but the original pattern I was going to use had me a little intimidated. However, today I decided to just get started. Unfortunately, when I went to sit down and do it, the website with the pattern was down, so I had to search for another pattern. I landed on this one because I wanted something lacy and feminine for my niece and I was pretty sure I could figure out the pattern. So, after youtubing the stitches, I got to work!
I tested the pattern on an extra skein of yarn I have first to make sure I actually understood the pattern. Once I had that down, I started the real thing. It’s only about 6 inches long so far, but I’ve started! And considering it’s only going to be about 2 and a half feet long, I think I made good progress!
Today was productive in some other ways too, in the sense that I did some housecleaning and got in a workout, but between my lingering fibromyalgia pain and my anxiety, I wasn’t up to leaving the house for a walk. I did do my nails, though, and that always makes me feel a little better about myself.
This morning I saw my therapist. I committed to doing the year-long DBT program. Now I have to go through a lengthy referral process. I then spent a couple hours in the Social Security Office.
The rest of the day, I spent finishing this hat!! It’s adorable and small for for my toddler niece. My sister specifically asked that it have ties because my niece won’t keep it on without being tied on. The color isn’t the best, but it’s various shades of blues and it’s going to look great with her blue eyes and blonde hair. I can’t wait to see it on her!
Now I need to finish my Nephew’s scarf, make his hat, and make my niece a scarf.
Knitting has been really good for me. I engage in eating disordered behaviors so much less since I started knitting. It gives me something productive and healthy to funnel my energy into.
I spent time with my friend today. We had a lot of fun. We walked around a giant mall and she spent a ton of money. We also painted mugs! Above is mine, pre-glaze and firing. They said it’ll take 4-7 days for that. I can’t wait to see it all done! The colors will be darker/brighter and it’ll be all shiny!
We went in several clothing stores. I hate clothing stores an avoid them like the plague. I honestly don’t even know when I was last in one before today. I hate the ads and the mannequins and the mirrors and the dressing rooms and the other people looking at me, probably judging me. And the clothes, I hate the clothes.
I did get a snack while I was out. This friend is someone I met in PHP so I feel more comfortable eating around her than most people. I got something safe, but I ate nonetheless. She’s still rocking recovery and I wanted to support her.
I also finished the hat for my friend’s scarf today, so I can send her those. Next I’m going to work on tiny hats and scarves for my toddler niece and nephew! Hopefully, by the time I finish those, my book on left-handed knitting will be here and I’ll be able to branch out a little!
I finished my friend’s scarf! Now I’m going to make her a hat because I have leftover yarn. Shhh, she doesn’t know about the hat.