Numb

I binged (on liquids, at least) and purged again tonight. Now I’m numb. Too numb to care. And tired. Too tired to knit. I think I’ll lie in bed and watch Mash and give into the numbness.

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How Adorable?

I finally finished my niece’s scarf, so I have a complete set. A toddler-sized hat and scarf each for my 18 month old niece and nephew. I can’t wait until they’re back from visiting my brother-in-law’s family so I can try them on the twins!

I was supposed to meet with my therapist today, but she called out sick this morning. I was out most of the day anyway running errands.

Today I had frozen yogurt. The last time I had it, I cried. I did a lot better this time, even though I did go and work out directly after eating it. I don’t know why certain foods freak me out more than others.

Someone has been showing interest in me the last few days and it’s been scaring me. I don’t know how to handle the romantic interest he’s showing. I just want to push him away, but a little part of me wants to be ok with it so I haven’t told him to back off. Plus, I just don’t know how to respond. I think part of me is scared to make him mad by saying no. I know that’s probably not a good thing, but it’s true.

A new Knitting pattern and other things

I started a new scarf today using the pattern above (the picture links to the pattern). I’ve been meaning to start the scarf for a few days now but the original pattern I was going to use had me a little intimidated. However, today I decided to just get started. Unfortunately, when I went to sit down and do it, the website with the pattern was down, so I had to search for another pattern. I landed on this one because I wanted something lacy and feminine for my niece and I was pretty sure I could figure out the pattern. So, after youtubing the stitches, I got to work!

I tested the pattern on an extra skein of yarn I have first to make sure I actually understood the pattern. Once I had that down, I started the real thing. It’s only about 6 inches long so far, but I’ve started! And considering it’s only going to be about 2 and a half feet long, I think I made good progress!

Today was productive in some other ways too, in the sense that I did some housecleaning and got in a workout, but between my lingering fibromyalgia pain and my anxiety, I wasn’t up to leaving the house for a walk. I did do my nails, though, and that always makes me feel a little better about myself.

Feeling accomplished

This morning I saw my therapist. I committed to doing the year-long DBT program. Now I have to go through a lengthy referral process. I then spent a couple hours in the Social Security Office.

The rest of the day, I spent finishing this hat!! It’s adorable and small for for my toddler niece. My sister specifically asked that it have ties because my niece won’t keep it on without being tied on. The color isn’t the best, but it’s various shades of blues and it’s going to look great with her blue eyes and blonde hair. I can’t wait to see it on her!

Now I need to finish my Nephew’s scarf, make his hat, and make my niece a scarf.

Knitting has been really good for me. I engage in eating disordered behaviors so much less since I started knitting. It gives me something productive and healthy to funnel my energy into.

Painting Pottery

I spent time with my friend today. We had a lot of fun. We walked around a giant mall and she spent a ton of money. We also painted mugs! Above is mine, pre-glaze and firing. They said it’ll take 4-7 days for that. I can’t wait to see it all done! The colors will be darker/brighter and it’ll be all shiny!

We went in several clothing stores. I hate clothing stores an avoid them like the plague. I honestly don’t even know when I was last in one before today. I hate the ads and the mannequins and the mirrors and the dressing rooms and the other people looking at me, probably judging me. And the clothes, I hate the clothes.

I did get a snack while I was out. This friend is someone I met in PHP so I feel more comfortable eating around her than most people. I got something safe, but I ate nonetheless. She’s still rocking recovery and I wanted to support her.

I also finished the hat for my friend’s scarf today, so I can send her those. Next I’m going to work on tiny hats and scarves for my toddler niece and nephew! Hopefully, by the time I finish those, my book on left-handed knitting will be here and I’ll be able to branch out a little!

Finished!!

I finished my friend’s scarf! Now I’m going to make her a hat because I have leftover yarn. Shhh, she doesn’t know about the hat.

Something’s not right here

So, one edge of my…whatever this turns out to be (I’m guessing a scarf) is smooth and straight.

However, the other edge is jagged and irregular. I have no idea why, or what I’m doing wrong.

Anyone out there with knitting experience know what the problem is?

Well, look who’s knitting!

It’s not the cleanest, and it’s still very slow going, but I finally figured it out!

My mom got home and I explained the problem I was having. I didn’t even know my mom knew how to knit. She showed me a different way to cast on, and that solved part of the problem. Then, we sat for about an hour passing the needles back and forth trying to figure out how to adjust everything so I can knit left-handed. We finally got everything figured out.

I am actually really enjoying myself. I started crying a little. I needed something like this. Something healthy and productive that I can put my time toward. In the last couple hours, I haven’t engaged in any behaviors, I’ve been learning to knit.

In Which I do NOT Learn to Knit

I grabbed my new knitting needles, pulled my box of yarn from to the shelf in my closet, and set to finding tutorials for knitting.

I tried right-handed tutorials, I tried left-handed tutorials, I tried videos and articles, I just don’t understand. 😦

The picture is how far I’ve gotten. I’m not even sure that part is correct. And I can’t figure out how to do the next row. I know I’m supposed to “put the second needle through the first loop” and “wrap the yarn around the working needle” and “pull it through the loop” but what all that actually means in mechanics, I can’t figure it out. I’m not sure how the loop gets off the original needle, or what direction I’m supposed to be going through these loops, or, just pretty much anything.

I’m really sad.

I’m going to keep trying to find instructions I understand, though. I don’t want to give up.

If nothing else, maybe I can sneak into an assisted living home and one of the elderly ladies can teach me… Seriously, though, it shouldn’t be this hard to figure out, should it?

Preparing for Partial Hospitalization

I got a call (finally!) from the eating disorder center. I’m still scheduled to start at the beginning of July. So, I was thinking to myself what to expect and what it’s going to be like and trying not to freak out about the concept of eating all day long without throwing anything up or taking any laxatives. I have this vision in my head of my whole body just filled to overflowing with decaying food. It’s not a pretty picture.

When I was doing the IOP there, I noticed that a lot of the PHP patients would knit during their free time. So! In anticipation of starting PHP in just over a week, I decided to take up knitting. Not because they do it, but because I know I’m going to need something to do to occupy my mind and time while I try to get used to food being, and staying, in my body, and knitting seems like a good thing for that.

I bought some knitting needles on Amazon, they should be here in a few days. Then, I shall set about teaching myself this thing called knitting. (I have a box full of yarn in my closet, which is part of why I decided to go with knitting.)