Day #7: One thing that’s just for you.
This is my Jamberry collection (minus my lacquers, which I forgot to include in the photo). Doing my nails is something I do just for me. It’s something that helps me relax and feel calm. It’s the one and only thing that makes me feel pretty and feminine. It’s my favorite part of the week.
Last night I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother where two characters were signing prenups and one of the stipulations was that the woman had to pay money to the man for every pound she gained. I looked down at my monstrosity of a body, downed a ton of laxatives, and went to bed.
I woke up today seriously dehydrated and with a massive migraine. It’s just now going away (at almost 5am, so it technically started yesterday) and I am feeling restless after spending all day in bed, so I decided to do my nails.
I finished and sat admiring them. Having my nails look nice is the single thing I like about my appearance. It’s the one thing that makes me feel pretty.
If you could see inside my head, you would know it’s not a pretty place. I never think well of myself. But when I look at my nails, always pretty, I feel pretty. For that brief moment, I’m not the ogre, the troll, the gelatinous monster, I am feminine and pretty and have worth and value.
I know these are stupid reasons to love a product, but they are real. And I know my worth shouldn’t be in whether I have pretty nails, but, sadly, it is. And it’s probably the BDD talking, and I get that, but it doesn’t change the truth of my feelings to me.
When I see my pretty nails, for a moment, I transform in my own mind from the beast to a princess.
I think my fibromyalgia meds are messing with my head. This medication is also a depression med, and I don’t always react well to those. The last couple weeks since being on it have been hard mentally and emotionally. I’m back to the extreme self-loathing I was having a few months ago when I was on it before. Back to wanting to peal my skin off. Back trying to stab myself.
Last night, I hadn’t slept in a couple nights and I was really struggling. I started wondering about taking rat poison. Not to “harm” myself, exactly, but to make myself sick and unable to eat. I googled what rat poison does when ingested and I looked it up on Amazon to find the price.
I was so close to buying some. So close.
I also tried (for probably the 20th time) to find a place to buy tapeworm eggs online. I still can’t find anything, unless I go to Mexico. *sigh*
I see my doctor on Thursday. I plan to let her know that I think this med is bad for me. I’ll update you after.
And now for today’s manicure:
I find dating to be exhausting.
I’ve mentioned before how casual dating just isn’t for me. I don’t enjoy it and it saps all my energy.
I haven’t exactly been dating lately, but I’ve been spending a lot of my time with someone. We play video games together and just talk. I could see it becoming something.
And yet, part of me hopes it doesn’t.
I’m exhausted. I’ve been off my meds for a few months now and my body is constantly weary and in pain. Add in my new business (which I’m loving) and school (which is overwhelming me merely by existing) and a something-relationship and I just am tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I’m also scared to be honest. I know he will eventually see my scars and cuts. I know he will eventually discover my neuroses. I know I will eventually be too troubled, too much, too far gone, too hard to handle, too confusing, too needy, too depressed, too…too…too…
Earlier, we were chatting on gtalk (or hangouts, I guess it’s called now) and he send me a youtube video that shows how the special effects department made it look like someone’s fingers had been cut off. The video starts with bloody, severed fingers. I quickly closed it and told him I couldn’t watch it. He explained that he normally doesn’t like things that are gory, but the process was really interesting, and it doesn’t seem gory anymore after you know the process.
I was pretty sure I knew the process (I did) but I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and watch it. I had to stop when they started to cut the fake fingers with scissors. I couldn’t explain to him why it bothered me so much. I couldn’t tell him about having wanted to cut off my own fingers just a few month ago. I can’t tell him how much I loathe this body I am stuck in and how I so often have to fight myself just to NOT mutilate it.
In other mostly unrelated news, I was supposed to do the NEDA walk in my town this morning. Supposed to.
I had worked and worked to raise money and I had looked forward to doing this for months. Then, this morning, I woke up, and I couldn’t do it. I had the most terrible anxiety. Pure panic. I cried, I was so frustrated. I wanted to go, but at the same time, I was terrified. I couldn’t will myself out of bed. I turned my alarm off and cried myself to sleep.
The one bright note of my day, I have nice nails…
I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been super busy.
What have I been doing, you ask? Well, I’ve been studying for another Praxis exam. I took that on Thursday afternoon…and I passed! I’m so relieved.
I’ve also been working! A lot!
Remember when I mentioned that I had exciting news coming in a couple weeks? Well, it’s time!
I’ve been selling Jamberry! I’ve been anxiously awaiting having the money to get started because I fell in love with these wraps during a friend’s party. I’ve been selling them this week and it’s been going really well. I love this business, this product, and getting paid to have beautiful nails and host parties. This is right up my alley! Join me in my excitement! (I’m going to shamelessly plug my business now.)
What is Jamberry?
Well, let me tell you!
Jamberry wraps are high quality vinyl wraps for your fingernails and toenails. They are easy to apply, durable, and beautiful.
Normally, I’m very hard on my nail. I love to paint my nails and have them look nice, but I can spend so much time on painting and decorating them, only to have them chip an peal the next day, even with base and top coat. However, when I wear my Jamberry wraps, they last! I wore my last wraps for 16 days and they still looked great! I only took them off because I wanted to change things up!
What does a sheet of nail wraps get you? One sheet gets you at least 2 manicures and 2 pedicures. The wraps last up to 2 weeks on hands and up to 4-6 weeks on toes and are incredibly durable! That’s $3.75 apiece. And if you do the buy 3 get 1 free deal it’s only $11.25 per sheet and $2.81 per manicure or pedicure!! How much does a quality manicure or pedicure cost you at a salon?
I can also make custom wraps! Here are some that people asked me for this week.
a2eternity 