Searching for motivation

I was thinking this morning about checking out a local eating disorder support group, but then I began to wonder why I wanted to go. Was it because I want to work toward recovery again? 

No, that wasn’t it. 

I think my true motivation was that I feel so disconnected and isolated right now that I just wanted to connect with someone, in person, who gets it. 

Then I wondered whether it was appropriate to attend a recovery-themed support group if you don’t actually want to recover. 

I don’t know the answer to that. 

I also began to wonder how I could find motivation to want to recover. Or whether I even want to want to recover. 

I don’t know. 

I considered this morning pursuing treatment again. Again, though, not because I wanted to recover. I miss the community feel of being in treatment. I miss the bubble of being consistently around others who understand what it’s like, who laugh at my morbid, ED-related jokes, who can relate to the fears and irrational thoughts. 

Part of me feels guilty that I don’t want to recover because I feel like I’m “supposed to” recover. Like it’s the morally right thing to do, abd therefore I am morally wrong for not doing it. Not even that my actions are wrong, but that I myself am wrong. 

Anyway, I should wrap this up. I’m in the chair at the dentist’s office and I want to publish this before he comes in. 

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And then I cut my hair

The last few weeks have been hard.

I had a complete mental breakdown while I my friend was in town. That was frustrating and very embarrassing.

Then, when I came home to find that I had no internet and no tv, I was even more frustrated. I don’t “watch” a lot of tv, but I like to have it on for background noise. I don’t handle silence well.

I then discovered I was being kicked out of school. No surprise there, I haven’t done anything school related in months. However, at the reality of it, I panicked. I need to stay in school. I need to get my degree.

Finally, Sunday night I lost my phone service. I felt completely alone and isolated with no phone service and no internet. I was already not doing well, and this just added to it.

For the last week I’ve had a hard time finding a reason to get out of bed. Getting out of bed just means I will eat. There is nothing to do, no one to talk to, and nothing that needs to be done. Why, therefore, should I get out of bed at all?

I did, though. Each day I would get up sometime between 2 and 5pm, stay up until around midnight, and then go back to bed. I wasn’t asleep most of this time, just lying in bed. Sometimes reading, sometimes playing games. Sometimes just lying there hating myself.

I couldn’t even get myself to exercise. I went from working out up to 8 hours a day to nothing. I would look at my bike and think, “I should really exercise,” and then I just wouldn’t. I stopped showering and some days didn’t even get dressed. I upped my laxatives, got drunk, and tried to stay far away from my blades.

After leaving messages with my school over the weekend, I got a call back Monday morning. If I could show specific progress, I and keep that up, I could stay in school. I felt relief, but also pressure. I had been avoiding my classes for the last 2 months and I felt completely overwhelmed at where to even start. I went and looked at my books, closed them, and tried to numb out.

Then, I received an email with the schedule of progress I need to keep. I looked at week one. I started with what seemed easiest and most clear. “Just start,” I told myself.

It was slow at first, but I began tackling that list.

Yesterday, I woke up and had renewed determination. I got up and showered, then pulled my hair into one hand and cut most of it off. I had been growing my hair out for the last few years and it was pretty long. However, I needed a change, and I needed something tangible. Cutting my hair, like controlling my intake and outtake, is something I can control. However, unlike with food, it brings immediate results.

After brushing my now-mangled hair, I went to my mom and asked if she could cut it straight for me. She looked at my hair and asked what I had done. I explained that I had cut it, but I needed her to finish it. She asked why I cut it, I said that I am too depressed for long hair right now, it’s just too hard to take care of. Also, the weight of it was starting to give me migraines. She finished cutting my hair for me.

Yesterday, I made good progress on my list. I also exercised. Only for an hour. I ate dinner. I didn’t keep it down, but I did eat it. I reduced the amount of laxatives I’m taking.

Today, I finished the first week’s worth of progress for school. My first thought was to keep going and start work on week two. However, I know that’s how I get burnt out. This evening I am taking a break. I’m going to read and enjoy having internet for a few hours while it lasts. I’m going to bounce my head around while I enjoy the new lightness of my hair. I’m going to try to be ok to just be.

Maybe it will last. Maybe it won’t. But for now, I’m ok.

Isolation

I came home Monday night to find we had no Internet and no tv service. As of this upcoming Monday, I also won’t have phone service. And, since I’m being kicked out of school, I won’t have that either. I honestly have no idea what I’ll do.