Tag Archives: intensive outpatient

Good news


So, I had my orientation for EIOP (evening intensive outpatient) yesterday. It went fine. However, I found out that my insurance might not cover it.

The thought of going from PHP to nothing terrified me. I don’t feel ready to step down to eiop, let alone stop treatment altogether.

Luckily,  my insurance said today that it will definitely cover eiop.

Tomorrow, I find out whether I’ll get another week of php or not.  




I’m in what will probably be my last week of php, and am coming up on a month in treatment.

I went in thinking I’d do a week or two of php, then switch to outpatient. I’ve done twice as much as I’d planned, and I still feel so unprepared.

As of tonight, I’m one week purge-free. However, all I want to do is binge and purge. If I didn’t have 2 roommates, I’d be doing that now…



This upcoming Wednesday, I’ll have been in partial hospitalization for a month. While I don’t feel ready, I have orientation for intensive outpatient on Monday, just to be ready in case my insurance doesn’t approve anymore time in PHP.

I feel overwhelmed and nervous and, like I said, not ready at all. However, I doubt I will ever feel ready. I think I’ll have to step down with the feeling of unreadiness. If I stayed in PHP another month, I probably still wouldn’t feel ready to step down to EIOP.

Preparing for Partial Hospitalization


I got a call (finally!) from the eating disorder center. I’m still scheduled to start at the beginning of July. So, I was thinking to myself what to expect and what it’s going to be like and trying not to freak out about the concept of eating all day long without throwing anything up or taking any laxatives. I have this vision in my head of my whole body just filled to overflowing with decaying food. It’s not a pretty picture.

When I was doing the IOP there, I noticed that a lot of the PHP patients would knit during their free time. So! In anticipation of starting PHP in just over a week, I decided to take up knitting. Not because they do it, but because I know I’m going to need something to do to occupy my mind and time while I try to get used to food being, and staying, in my body, and knitting seems like a good thing for that.

I bought some knitting needles on Amazon, they should be here in a few days. Then, I shall set about teaching myself this thing called knitting. (I have a box full of yarn in my closet, which is part of why I decided to go with knitting.)

What a day


After sleeping all day yesterday, I still managed to sleep all night. I guess that’s what happens after hardly sleeping for a week.

I woke up this morning and went to the doctor for get medical clearance to do the partial hospitalization program. I was there for about 3 hours. (It involved blood work, a physical, urine test, orthostatics, etc.)

After that, I went over to my brothers’ where I was going to babysit my 4 month twin niece and nephew. Before they arrived, I had an intake eval with the eating disorder center over the phone. (I was supposed to have it this morning, but needed to go to the doctor for clearance and didn’t have time to get down there and back to my brothers’ between, so she suggested doing it on the phone.)

It went well. We mostly talked about how I’m doing with behaviors lately and what’s changed since being in the IOP. I told her my doctor is sending them a letter stating that she feels this is medically necessary. She said that after talking with the treatment team, they want me stay in their housing.

This would mean that instead of coming home in the evenings and going back every morning, I would be staying in their housing whenever I’m not in the program. This would be good for extra accountability and support, but I’m still nervous.

Because they want me to stay in the house, I have to wait to start PHP until they have a bed available. This means I won’t be starting until next week, or maybe the week after. I’m anxious about trying to hold on that long. I’m physically and mentally exhausted.

After talking with her, my mom surprised me with lunch. I freaked out (internally) but just planned to eat it and purged. However, just as I was finishing it up, my sister showed up with the babies. I wasn’t going to leave two 4-month old babies alone while I went to purge.

Luckily, I was so busy taking care of them and loving on them (and taking pictures of their beautiful faces) that I didn’t have much time to think about the food sitting in my stomach.

At one point, my nephew was sleeping and I had just gotten my niece to sleep. She was resting in my arms, head lying on my shoulder, and the sweet peacefulness of that moment just made my heart so glad. I don’t know when I last felt so happy.

I took care of them until 6:30pm, then went home. On the way home, it finally hit me what I’d done. I began to cry and dig my nails into my arms. I had a full out panic attack.

The first thing I did when I got home was to take laxatives and diet pills. Then I drank as much water as I could tolerate. I was very dehydrated. I had pinched my skin on the way home and it had stayed wrinkled up like that. My urine (which I realized when I got home, I had only gone once today, which was at the doctor’s office, which I forced) was dark. So I made myself drink.

Now I’m watching Netflix with my mom. I’m hoping to get up the energy to work out before bed, especially since I didn’t do anything yesterday.

In the morning, I go in for x-rays to find out whether I have Rhuematoid Arthritis.



My appointment with my outpatient counselor didn’t go well.

Last week, I had told her that, because of my experience with the hospital this last time when I checked myself in for feeling suicidal, I would not tell anyone again.

Today, she basically said that she needed a commitment from me that I would tell her if I was feeling suicidal in order to work with me. I told her I guess we can’t work together.

So now it’s half past 9, we talked for 20 minutes and now it’s over and I’ve walked out of the center for the last time.

She mentioned that my insurance doesn’t want to pay for any more IOP, so outpatient is really my only option. I told her it was fine, I just won’t seek treatment right now.

I explained that outpatient just isn’t enough for me right now and that it just makes it harder. And since I can’t (won’t) commit to telling her when I’m feeling “unsafe” there’s no reason to continue. I left tge appointment early. We had talked the subject through and it was just getting awkward.

It was weird, leaving through those doors knowing I wouldn’t be back. I guess I had held onto a sliver of hope that somehow I could finish out the IOP. Now I know that hope is gone. Treatment for me is over. Officially, definitely, over.

Encouraging quotes


In my IOP group, I was the encourager. I always had something encouraging, positive, or uplifting for others who were struggling. Every morning, I send out (to those who want it) texts of pictures with encouraging phrases and quotes.

I send random little notes like “You are worth it!”

I can’t take any of it in for myself. I can’t believe it when applying it to me. It’s fine to encourage others, but I can’t encourage myself. Sometimes, I feel like a hypocrite because I don’t believe these things for myself but I hope them so much for everyone else.

Art Therapy


I got my art from the art therapy group from the intensive outpatient program I did. I wanted to share it with you.

Week 2
I made a sarcophagus with thick walls. It is what binds me, what holds me together. It’s a stoic outer shell, a wall of protection. Inside is chaos and confusions. The black circle with the tendrils is my eating disorder. It is a dark, heavy tar that pollutes my heart and controls my thoughts and actions, thus the tendrils extending up into my brain and body.



Week 3
This is me. This is an image I get in my head a lot. It’s basically what I want to do to myself much of the time.



Week 1 & 4
The first week, I made the heart and a cover for the heart with a lock on it. The heart is sort of bowl shaped and it has a tear inside because it’s a container for my tears, for all the pain and hurt. The over with the lock was to symbolize how I try so hard to lock my heart away, and with it the pain.

On Week four, I decided I wanted to paint them. I had put the cover over an upside down container to help it dry in the right shape. However, when I went to take it off, it broke into several pieces.

At first, I was upset about this. After thinking about it for a couple minutes, I realized how symbolic it was. Through the course of the IOP, I had grown a lot and opened up significantly. I had made myself vulnerable, and shared my heart, and much of my pain, with my fellow patients.

So, I grabbed some foam board for a base and glued the pieces to it, then painted it.



Week 5
I was having a really hard time in general, self-harming daily and feeling suicidal. My counselor had given me a smooth…something (I’m not sure what it was, exactly) and rubbing it helped me to self-sooth and stay grounded. Unfortunately, it fell out of my pocket and broke. It was very sharp and I accidentally cut myself on it when I picked it up, so I gave it back to my counselor so it wouldn’t be a temptation for me.

The next day, I decided to make stones to have the same purpose and effect. I made mostly smooth ones, but a couple of textured ones. The bottom of each stone has a word like “calm” and “believe”.

I want to paint them.