I know this is a bad idea but…

Ok, I don’t know if I’d call taking laxatives “happy hour”…

I got a message from the eating disorder center and they need me to get more labs, they need up to date ones. So, I go in to my doctor Thursday and I’ll have her get them then. My first thought was, “when I take a lot of laxatives, my potassium always drops quickly, so I should take ALL the laxatives between now and then so my insurance can see actual proof that there’s a problem.”

So, I’ve been taking a handful every hour on the hour.

I know, I know, this is a bad plan. But I feel like I have to prove myself. I feel like I need to justify this level of care. I mean, am I really sick enough for PHP?

I don’t feel like I am.

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More treatment updates

I went to the doctor this morning. I was threatened with hospitalization if I don’t get into treatment within the next week.

No pressure.

She is also worried about my heart. My potassium and iron are still low, and she’s concerned the laxatives and diet pills are putting too much strain on my heart.

I will admit, I’m a little worried. I had a friend die in September from bulimia. Her heart stopped.

When I got home from the doctor, I called the treatment center and spoke with the intake coordinator. I explained the whole long story to her, and she set up an intake evaluation for Wednesday morning. It can’t get here fast enough

I’m ready. I’m scared, but I’m ready. I want to recover. I want to get better. I just really hope my insurance doesn’t fight it.

My doctor was really frustrated with my insurance this morning. She mentioned how they won’t pay for things people need, then they get worse, then they end up having to pay anyway, but pay for more.

It’s true. If they hadn’t cut me off, I’d be 2 months into treatment right now. Maybe I would be doing way better. But now, they had to pay for a hospital stay, and instead of paying for the intensive outpatient they need to pay for partial hospitalization or inpatient.

In other news, one of my close friends started PHP today. I’m so proud of her!

Worry

I don’t know what to do if my insurance again refuses to cover treatment. Maybe I will just never eat again. I don’t want to go back to binging and purging. After almost a week without it, and basically without food, the thought of going back sounds exhausting

More information on inpatient

I just got a call from the behavioral health guy. He called up my insurance and they want me to do the PHP at the eating disorder center where I was before, and stay in their housing, so I would have 24/7 support.

I’m ok with this. I would much rather do that than inpatient at a hospital. Plus, I already know the staff and am comfortable there.

I called them, and I go in next week for an intake evaluation. I’ll keep you updated as I know anything.

Good news, bad news?

So, I’ll start with the not exciting news.

I got a call from my rheumatologist. Based on my symptoms and recent lab work, she believes I might have rheumatoid arthritis. I need to go in for some x-rays to know for sure. If I don’t have it now, I’m at high risk to develop it, she says.

This is kind of scary.

Now for the exciting news!
I got a call from my case worker for my insurance and learned that the company they go through for behavioral health has changed. I called them, and they said I should have the eating disorder center resubmit a request for treatment and that I might have a good shot at getting covered for more time.

I should know something sometime next week. Please pray and hope with me. While I decided that I can’t do the recovery thing right now, that’s because I can’t do just outpatient right now. It’s simply not a high enough level of care. Especially coming from the IOP and having that cut short. But if I can get approved for more time, or (I’m afraid to even hope for this) PHP, I really believe I can make some progress.

So, there’s my news. I’ll know more about both in the upcoming weeks and I’ll keep you informed.

It’s over

My insurance has decided I’m done with treatment.

Stupid, Freaking Insurance

I was threatened with hospitalization today.

I was also told that my insurance doesn’t want to approve any more time because they’re not seeing enough improvement, so clearly the treatment isn’t working.

Also, one night a week is family night where people’s friends and/or family come in to learn more about eating disorders and how to be more effective support. I haven’t had anyone go yet because everyone either works or has school that night, or just refuses to go. My insurance sees this as I’m not reaching out for support so I don’t want to recover. So, if no one comes this week, they’re cutting me off.

They also want me to get labs.

I just want to throw things at them.

On another note, I did agree in counseling today to bring in my self-harm items tomorrow and leave them there. I think I’m also going to take my scale because it seems to be broken and is just causing me way more anxiety and frustration than it normally does.

We went to Old Chicago for dinner tonight. I hated it. I want to explain why, but I’m mentally exhausted and not sure I can.

Tomorrow, I’m getting coffee with one of the other ladies in treatment. I’m nervous, but also looking forward to it.

Now to not engage in any behaviors for the next week.