Wavering

This morning a friend sent me a story about a woman who lived on just apples for months and how she has recovered and is doing well now. She meant so well with sending it to me, but really all it did was just trigger me. All I’ve thought of all day is living on just apples. I’ve thought about finishing my time in treatment so that I can go and live on apples. It was all I thought of all through groups tonight. Apples. You could do it, you know. You could live on just apples. Do it. Prove people wrong. Show them you can live on just apples. Show people you don’t really need to follow the meal plan like they say. You could be good at this. You used to be a good anorexic, you could be again. Go back to anorexia. You miss it. It misses you. You need it. Anorexia is better than bulimia. Anorexia is better than following a meal plan. You don’t need food anyway. It’s all a lie to get you to eat. They want you fat.

My head is so loud right now. Around and around the thoughts are going. Chasing each other. I wish I knew how to quiet them without restricting or purging. I don’t, though, and that’s a problem. I am so overwhelmed right now. I just want to never eat again. I just want to prove I can do it. That I can be the first human to not need food.

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Hospitalization: Part 6

And entry from 3/7/15.

The thing that strikes me the most if how normal the patients are. Oh, you have the woman who walks around with a blank stare on her face and won’t talk to anyone except her visitor, and sometimes staff. She’ll stand outside group and stare into the room through the door window or come stand by your table, but she never enters and never sits.

And there’s the occasional outburst that was uncalled for or too intense for the situation, or the one who starting crying for seemingly no reason. However, there is usually a reason for these. Something about the situation has triggered an unusual response.

On the whole, though, the people of Three West are so normal. They are the people you see everyday. They are your coworkers, your cashier, your deli worker, your banker, your boss, your child’s teacher that you love. They’re the people you go out for beers with, invite over for the game, the parents in your Mommy & Me group, your best friend, your dad, your daughter, your son.

They enjoy each other’s company. They play cards together. They play board games. They swear when they make a game-losing mistake. They enjoy a good meal, talking over a cup of tea, going for walks.

If you look at the patents of Three West, if you observe them, they are, simply, human. And they are quite normal.