Tag Archives: holidays

Your own worst enemy

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don-t-eat-you-re-fat-enough

I was having a conversation with the boy about how my disordered thoughts have been getting worse lately. Then I showed him this picture. It’s the lock screen on my phone. A reminder of how disgusting I am, just in case I were to forget.

He told me that I am my own worst enemy.

I said I know. I just don’t know how to change that.

Right now, my hands are stinging. In an extra effort to ensure I remember not to eat, I cut all over both hands, assuming I can’t eat without seeing them and being reminded how undeserving of food I am.

Today was also my late sister’s birthday. I worked hard to ignore it. However, despite my best efforts, I felt suicidal and self-destructive all day.

It’s getting harder to hang on. A friend’s father committed suicide today. I felt like a total ass for being jealous.

I’m trying to at least get past the holidays.  I know they’re hard enough for my family after losing my sister. I’m trying, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep going.

I spent New Year’s Eve in the ER last year, I’m trying not to repeat that. Plus, my mom’s birthday is in a few days.

People say that those who commit suicide are selfish. Suicidal people almost always think of their families and friends. Each day, each moment is, “Can I hold on for now, for them? Can I keep going? Can I do this to spare them the pain?” But I know that sooner or later, the answer will be no. I can’t do this, I can’t hang on any more. I’ve lost too much footing and I’m about to fall and be swallowed up by it.

Because I am my own worst enemy…and I don’t know how to destroy myself and remain intact. One of these days, one of us has to go. And if one of me dies, we both die.

Did you know it’s Father’s Day?

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This picture has nothing to do with the post., I googled “stock photo” and thought this one was pretty.

Last night, I only exercised for an hour. About half an hour in, my ankle started to hurt like crazy, but I knew I couldn’t stop before an hour, so I pushed through it. After, I hobbled over to bed.

I actually slept very well last night, which was great!

Today I’ve mostly binged and purged. Oh, and I keep soiling myself. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don’t abuse laxatives.

In about an hour, my dad gets home from work and we’re having a family dinner. Yay…

In other news, my mom and I were watching The Vicar of Dibley earlier and the vicar was invited to  consecutive Christmas lunches and very full and sick by the end (because, you know, no one on tv knows how to say things like, “Oh, I’m already attending a Christmas lunch”) and while watching the scene of the second lunch, I mentioned to my mom that this type of situation is when it would come in hand being bulimic. She laughed and said she’d thought the same thing, but didn’t know if it’d be appropriate to say anything.

I’m very, very nauseous from all the laxatives. Then, I noticed I needed a new bottle, but couldn’t remember where I hid the rest of my laxatives. I ended up searching all over my room hoping they hadn’t been found by someone and discarded. Luckily (unluckily?) I did find them.

Tonight, I’m going to eat the obligatory Father’s Day meal, purge, and then probably work out until bedtime. Yeah, I’m living the life.