Relief, Disappointment, and Grief

It’s Easter Sunday. Gone are the days of Easter baskets filled with candy, and I can’t say I’m sad. As a recovering bulimic, a basket of candy would just be asking for trouble. However, I at least expected my family to get together today.

I tried several times to firm up plans with my family to get together today for at least part of the day, and everyone reassured me they wanted to get together, but no one would actually commit to anything. I feel disappointed. I feel relieved that I don’t have to worry about an Easter dinner, but disappointed that I am not with my family today. It makes me miss my late sister and her kids even more than I normally do. She always got everyone together for holidays. She planned elaborate get togethers. She had a knack for planning and getting people together. I don’t have that. And I miss her today. And I miss my family today. And it makes me both want to binge and purge.

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Coping

Yesterday, as you may know, was US Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is hard for people with eating disorders, and it was hard for me.

Don’t get me wrong, there were many things I enjoyed. Seeing my family. Playing with my niece and nephew. Playing board games together. Sitting around and talking together.

But there were things that were hard. The large amounts of food. Eating in front of a large group of people. Listening to my sisters and brother-in-law talk about their diets and weight loss efforts. Feeling watched and judged while I ate. Feeling absolutely stuck.

I didn’t purge yesterday, but I did use a boat load of laxatives yesterday and again today.

This morning I ate 3 pieces of pie for breakfast, followed by a handful of laxatives.

Easter is just a sick joke to you

I was having a hard time today because it’s Easter and just on the other side of town my family got together for church and a picnic with games while I am stuck here in treatment. It wouldn’t hurt so much, maybe, if I were out of the state, but having them so close yet unavailable was hard.

Then, we took an outing to a park after lunch. Not the same park my family was at, but the park my family always went to while my grandparents were alive. The park that holds so many memories of them and memories of my late sister. And here I was, without my grandparents, without my sister, and without my family. I cried most of the time we were at the park.

After the park was a snack challenge. Because taking a van full of eating disordered people to panera and watching them cry on a holiday is someone’s idea of fun.

It’s been a long, hard day. I’m ready for it to be over. I’m ready to go home and binge and purge. I’m ready to quit treatment.