This morning I got my medical clearance for the EIOP. It took over 3 hours. I got prodded, poked 6 times, an EKG, gave urine, and eventually sent out to a lab to get the rest of my blood because they couldn’t get it at my doctor’s office.
Today is also my ex-fiance’s birthday. I’m not handling the day well. I’ve been in tears a lot throughout the day.
I’ve been gone ALL DAY (I had my DBT group after my medical clearance) so I haven’t binged and purged today. I also haven’t taken any laxatives today, so I’m feeling a lot better physically. However, with the emotional distress I’m in right now, I will probably be binging and purging the rest of the night. Especially since I’m alone tonight. I just need to get out of my head.
The last few days I’ve been distraught. Inconsolable. I am struggling so hard just to keep from cutting. I’ve been just crying and binging and purging and playing video games and watching the Olympics I missed while I was in California. I don’t see my psychiatrist or therapist until next week. I’m struggling just to get through the days. I keep feeling like I made the wrong decision. Today, I took a nap and I received a text message. It woke me up and at first I thought it was him. My heart leapt with joy, only to crash a moment later when I saw it wasn’t him. He hasn’t tried to reach out to me at all since I left and I feel like it means there must be something wrong with me. Or what if I really hurt him by leaving? Or both.
At random moments throughout the day things will remind me of it, and it hurts so much. My facebook feed is still filled with ads congratulating me on my engagement and offering me money of tuxes or photography packages. It feels weird not to have his ring on my finger, and the noticeable absence makes me cry. I just want it all to end. I want to sleep and not wake up. I wish school would start already so I had something productive to focus on.
Facebook reminded me yesterday that it was the one year anniversary of us being “facebook official”. Yesterday was the day I left. My heart broke again when I saw the reminder and I burst into tears, sitting at the stop waiting for the shuttle to take me to the airport.
This last week I was in California with my fiance. A few days ago, he started hitting me. At first, I tried to shake it off. But by Thursday afternoon I couldn’t anymore, and I bought the first available ticket home for Friday. Yesterday morning, I left before he woke up, sneaking out, afraid to tell him I was leaving. I left my ring on the dresser.
Sometime on my trip home, he figured out I wasn’t coming back because he blocked me from Facebook. Total travel time, between the uber, the shuttle, my delated flight, and driving home, was over 14 hours. It was a long day filled with many tears. I am heartbroken. Even though I know I made the right choice, I still love him. It still hurts to have the broken promise of a future with him. I went from having my whole future planned out to having nothing. I’m lost, alone, and wounded. I feel foolish. I feel used. I feel like I’ve done something wrong by leaving him. I’m so confused right now.
I just wanted to express how in love I feel with the new guy. We’ve known each other for almost a year and have been dating just over 2 months now and I have fallen head over heals for him. It feels so good to be in love again. And to feel like this time, he loves me back and his love is genuine.
I told the guy that I can’t be in a relationship with him. I told him I can’t be the girl he wants me to be. I can’t not be anxious and I can’t not be bipolar and I can’t believe that one day I’ll be instantly healed. I can’t do daily phone calls because phone calls make me anxious and I can’t be there for him the way he wants. I just can’t be what he wants. And being with him just makes me feel inadequate.