Tag Archives: health

Pretty much this

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I got mad at my stationary bike

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This afternoon, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at my stationary bike with loathing and spite. I felt deceived, lied to.

When I got my bike, before I got it, I thought, “I’m going to lose so much weight!”

I spend hours on that damn bike every day. Want to know how much I’ve lost? Nothing.

Not one…damn…pound.

Because calories in versus calories out means absolutely shit when it comes to my body. Clearly, my fat did not get that memo.

I feel at my wit’s end. Before getting the bike, I just assumed I wasn’t losing because I ate too much and did too little. Now, I just don’t know what to do. It doesn’t seem to matter how much or little I eat, or how many hours I work out. That number just doesn’t budge. I can take diet pills and bottles of laxatives and throw up everything I eat and exercise until I vomit and pass out, and nothing works.

I just give up. I will be fat forever. I will die fat. I might as well just hurry it along.

Did you know bulimia can cause osteoarthritis?

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I didn’t.

Apparently anorexia and bulimia (and ednos) can cause early onset of osteoarthritis due to poor nutrition and/or over exercising.

How did I learn this? I just got a call from my rheumatologist. Guess who has osteoarthritis. Yeah, I do.

I’m supposed to start a regimen of anti-inflammatories and follow up with the doctor.

I’m kind of floored right now. It’s become real, I guess. I’ve done actual damage to my body.

Sick

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I just keep vomiting abd I’m not sure why. It’s going to be a long night.

Exercise-indused nausea

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For the first time in 6 years, I exercised until I vomited.

I had wanted to go longer, but I’m literally too sick right now. I’m so frustrated.

The future looks exhausting

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I got in my third workout of the day after binging and purging on my first ever delivery order of Chinese food.

I am now exhausted, lying in bed, belly full of water and laxatives.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day of food and vomit. Another day of diet pills and laxatives. Another day of exercising until my body gives out. And the thought of it is exhausting. Is overwhelming.

But I don’t know how to stop. I can’t stop.

My goal

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I’ve worked out twice today, an will hopefully work out again before bed. My goal is to work up my endurance to where I can just stay on the bike all day. If I’m on my bike, I’m not eating. If I’m exercising, I’m not hating myself (as much).

Worst. Buffet. Ever.

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Yesterday morning, I went to get my x-rays. The x-ray technician was pleasant and funny, so that was nice.

Afterward, I came home and took a nap. Then, my dad and I went to Pizza Hut for their lunch buffet. My dad really likes their buffet. I tried a couple bites of a few things, but I wasn’t impressed. I ate a salad. I do like salad. Then I came home and purged, took laxatives and diet pills, and exercised. Then I took another nap.

In the afternoon, I went to the laundromat and washed clothes. I passed out at one point and hit something, shaving the skin off the knuckle of my right hand.

When I got home from laundry, I was really sick and weak, so I lay down again and slept for a few hours. I had planned to sleep for the night because I was just over the day and not feeling well. However, around 9pm, my mom called me saying she bought me dinner.

I was not a happy bunny. I hate being surprised with food. I feel guilty if I don’t eat it and I feel guilty if I do.

So, I ate it. It made me REALLY sick and I couldn’t finish it. I purged it, naturally.

After my new normal routine of purging, laxatives, diet pills, and working out, I watched So You Think You Can Dance, then went to bed for the night. Thankfully, I slept really well.

Today has been pretty low key. I ate and purged some cereal (apparently my restricting is over) and took my pills. Soon I’ll be going over to my brothers’ for the weekend, and I’m meeting a friend in the morning for breakfast.

Guess what I found in the toilet?

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That’s right, the potassium pills they gave me at the ER yesterday. Intact enough for me to read them.

I’m sure they did me a TON of good…

“Why do you take laxatives?”

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I’ve been getting this question a lot lately. There are many risks associated with laxative abuse. Would you like to see the list? I’m going to share it with you anyway.

  • Intestinal injury
  • Melanosis coli
  • Gastric bleeding
  • Gastric ulceration
  • Gastritis
  • Esophagitis
  • Bloating
  • Abdominal pain, severe cramping
  • Vomiting
  • Gas
  • Chronic constipation
  • Chronic diarrhea
  • Bowel tumors
  • Irregular heartbeat
  • Kidney damage
  • Electrolyte imbalances
  • Aggravation of hemorrhoids
  • Colon failure
  • Dehydration
  • Pancreatitis
  • Tremors
  • Weakness
  • Nausea
  • Bowel incontince
  • Ulceration of the bowel
  • Fatty infiltration of the liver
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Hypoalbuminemia, hypoproteinemia or calcium deficiency caused by malabsorption of nutrients, which can cause weakening and softening of the bones
  • Shutting down of the immune system
  • Organ damage
  • Bowel tumors
  • Palpitations
  • Heart attack
  • Death

Disturbance of electrolyte and mineral balances. Sodium, potassium, magnesium, and phosphorus are electrolytes and minerals that are present in very specific amounts necessary for proper functioning of the nerves and muscles, including those of the colon and heart. Upsetting this delicate balance can cause improper functioning of these vital organs.

Severe dehydration may cause tremors, weakness, blurry vision, fainting, kidney damage, and, in some cases, death. Dehydration often requires medical treatment.

Laxative dependency occurs when the colon stops reacting to usual doses of laxatives so that larger and larger amounts of laxatives may be needed to produce bowel movements.

Internal organ damage may result, including stretched or “lazy” colon, colon infection, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and liver damage. Chronic laxative abuse may contribute to risk of colon cancer.

 

Isn’t that lovely.

So why would anyone take this chance? Why would anyone subject themself to this? What on earth kind of motivation could there possibly be?

The exact reason is probably different for each person, but here are some of my reasons.

  • They help me get rid of the food. Regardless of whether they eliminate any calories, they eliminate the food waste that’s inside me. I want it out. They do that.
  • They help me feel empty and lighter. This feeling is addicting.
  • It makes me feel like I’m “doing something” about the “problem”. Sometimes, I just need to feeling like I’m actively doing something about whatever is bugging me (having eaten, being fat, etc) and taking some pills right then helps me. I feel calmer and empowered.
  • To reduce water weight. I understand that this causes dehydration, but I don’t want that water inside me. Don’t ask me why because I’m not really sure myself. I just “need” it not inside me.
  • They speed up digestion. Whether this actually causes any fewer calories to be absorbed or not seems to be up for debate, but if I don’t take them, it can take days or even a week or two before what I eat exits. That’s just way too long. I want it to pass through me as quickly as possible.
  • They make me feel clean. Knowing there aren’t feces inside my body makes me feel cleaner.

I feel like I had more reasons earlier when I was planning this, but they escape me now.

So, the next question, “Why do you continue to take laxatives even though you’re not eating anything?”

That is an excellent question, and I hadn’t actually considered why until I was asked. Partly for the water weight reason listed above and partly for the “doing something” reason. But also because when you’re addicted to something, it doesn’t really matter if there’s any logic to it. My brain just says, “take laxatives, now” and then I do. Like I said, I hadn’t even questioned it.

Please know that I am not in any way trying to justify my use of laxatives, just to explain some of the reasons why I take them.

Laxative abuse is dangerous and serious, and I wouldn’t want anyone else in the world to abuse them. Now if I could just convince myself it’s ok to stop taking them.