Therapy Wednesdays

I had therapy this morning. Part of it was just the normal “you need to eat breakfast, and here are the reasons why.” I’ve been really struggling to eat breakfast this last week or so. Part of it is because I’m getting up later because I’m staying up so late and so it feels weird to eat breakfast mid-morning. But I also know that’s partly an excuse to restrict.

We also touched on the loss of my sister today. I’m supposed to journal or do art work around losing her. I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve used my eating disorder in part to keep from dealing with the loss of my sister, so I’m not looking forward to having to face the grief. However, I know it’s necessary.

My homework for this week is to eat breakfast at least twice, and to journal my loss. It’s going to be a tough week. I also have to start my final project for school, so it’ll be a busy week as well.

Advertisement

Relief, Disappointment, and Grief

It’s Easter Sunday. Gone are the days of Easter baskets filled with candy, and I can’t say I’m sad. As a recovering bulimic, a basket of candy would just be asking for trouble. However, I at least expected my family to get together today.

I tried several times to firm up plans with my family to get together today for at least part of the day, and everyone reassured me they wanted to get together, but no one would actually commit to anything. I feel disappointed. I feel relieved that I don’t have to worry about an Easter dinner, but disappointed that I am not with my family today. It makes me miss my late sister and her kids even more than I normally do. She always got everyone together for holidays. She planned elaborate get togethers. She had a knack for planning and getting people together. I don’t have that. And I miss her today. And I miss my family today. And it makes me both want to binge and purge.

Good morning, George how are you? I hope you’re feeling fine.

I got up at 6am to binge and purge. An hour and a half later and I’m still going strong.

I cried myself to sleep missing my sister. I woke up crying and grumpy and just out of sorts. I guess my solution was to binge and purge until I’m numb. I’m not numb yet.

LoveMe Challenge, Day 15

Day #15: Something you have done right.

Being an aunt. I was the best darn aunt a child could ask for.  I was the kind of aunt who played video games and board games and card games. I taught crafts and made up games. I planned art projects. I taught my niece to ride her bike. I took them swimming, took them to the park, watched movies, built fort. I introduced them to Star Wars and then helped them build light sabers and had light saber battles. I helped them search for lost hamsters, kissed wounded knees, and smoothed wounded egos. And there was nothing else I loved in the world more than being their aunt.

Grief, Vulnerability, and Shame

Today, I watched these two videos that my therapist assigned me to watch. They’re long, but if you haven’t seen them yet, I highly recommend them.

After finishing the video on shame, which I cried through, I felt ready to finally work on some grief work I’ve been putting off.

The first assignment was to make a Mad/Sad/Scared/Glad list about my sister’s death. It was hard, but good. Here’s that list.

• I’m sad that you’re not here anymore.
• I’m sad you won’t be at my wedding.
• I’m sad the kids are no longer a part of my life.
• I’m sad you will miss out on all future holidays.
• I’m sad you don’t get to hear our jokes and know our stories.
• I’m sad for all the “missed” time with you.
• I’m sad we’ll never get to go to another movie, you’ll never recommend another book, and never suck me into another game.
• I’m sad we can’t have girl’s nights.
• I’m sad all 7 siblings will never be together again.
• I’m sad my future family will never get to know you.
• I’m mad God let you die.
• I’m mad I couldn’t change it.
• I’m mad when I don’t think of you.
• I’m scared to feel the grief.
• I’m scared to let go of you.
• I’m scared of accepting that you’re gone forever.
• I’m scared of what it means to have a future without you.
• I’m glad you’re in heaven enjoying yourself.
• I’m glad you’re with your Savior.
  I miss you.

Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

I came across this video completely be accident while surfing youtube ASL videos. It left me sobbing. It makes me think of my sister, who died 3 years ago. Words cannot describe how hard it is to lose a sister, especially one who is a best friend.

Your own worst enemy

I was having a conversation with the boy about how my disordered thoughts have been getting worse lately. Then I showed him this picture. It’s the lock screen on my phone. A reminder of how disgusting I am, just in case I were to forget.

He told me that I am my own worst enemy.

I said I know. I just don’t know how to change that.

Right now, my hands are stinging. In an extra effort to ensure I remember not to eat, I cut all over both hands, assuming I can’t eat without seeing them and being reminded how undeserving of food I am.

Today was also my late sister’s birthday. I worked hard to ignore it. However, despite my best efforts, I felt suicidal and self-destructive all day.

It’s getting harder to hang on. A friend’s father committed suicide today. I felt like a total ass for being jealous.

I’m trying to at least get past the holidays.  I know they’re hard enough for my family after losing my sister. I’m trying, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep going.

I spent New Year’s Eve in the ER last year, I’m trying not to repeat that. Plus, my mom’s birthday is in a few days.

People say that those who commit suicide are selfish. Suicidal people almost always think of their families and friends. Each day, each moment is, “Can I hold on for now, for them? Can I keep going? Can I do this to spare them the pain?” But I know that sooner or later, the answer will be no. I can’t do this, I can’t hang on any more. I’ve lost too much footing and I’m about to fall and be swallowed up by it.

Because I am my own worst enemy…and I don’t know how to destroy myself and remain intact. One of these days, one of us has to go. And if one of me dies, we both die.

I hate today

Today (technically yesterday now) was the anniversary of my sister’s death. It was a hard day.

Yesterday, still sick from my overdose, I didn’t eat and spent most of the day in bed. 

Today, I still wasn’t up to eating, but my mom made me some food midday without me asking (she knew I wasn’t feeling well) and I felt I should try to eat it. I got some of it down, but it made me very sick. 

I’m still nauseous. I don’t know if it’s from the pills or the not eating or what. 

These came in the mail this evening:

Note: I do NOT recommend anyone take any of these, let alone all of them. In fact, I recommend staying far, far away from them.

And after that hypocritical PSA…

I know you’re not supposed to combine things like this, especially when you’re on medications, but that never seems to stop me. Especially when I’m in my extreme states of apathy, one of which I find  myself in today. I just honestly don’t care if something bad happens.

My one hope is just that by the time November 18th comes around next year, I won’t be here to see it.

 

 

Grief

The 3 year anniversary of my sister’s death is on Tuesday.

Three years and I still don’t know how to get past it.

I still can’t think of her without falling apart. I still don’t know how to deal with the pain. I still hate this time of year. The anniversary of her death, Thanksgiving, Christmas, her birthday.

I decided to go online and look for a grief workbook.

I couldn’t even do that without crying.

I feel so stuck. And broken.

Grieving

I keep thinking about you, and that makes me sad, which makes me pedal faster. 

Faster. 

Faster.