Tag Archives: gain

Weights and perceptions

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I told my dietician today that I think my meal plan is too high.

She asked what made me think that. I said it just feels like too much food.

She asked what I perceive my weight to be doing since admitting. I said it’s gone up a lot.

She said it’s actually gone down.

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. This isn’t bad news, but it felt like a lie. Or surely their scale is broken?

There’s a bizarre feeling when what you knew to be true turns out to be false.

If only this made eating meals and snacks easier.

Vacation Weight

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I’m going on vacation in just over a week. To California.

I’m freaking out internally. We’re going to the beach. I love to swim, but I don’t normally just hang out in a swimsuit. I’m terrified and nervous and kind of sick to my stomach.

On the flip side, though, I’m looking forward to the “vacation weight”. Many people complain of gaining weight over vacation. I always lose on vacation.

While on vacation, I tend to eat every meal with others, which means there’s always someone there to see me eat, which means I hardly eat. And since I tend to be around people A LOT while on vacation, I’m much less likely to binge and purge. After a week of near-fasting, I always come home lighter.

I’m looking forward to that.

All the emotions

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This chart looks like the daily fluctuation of my weight. -__-

Guess who got a new battery for her scale today? That’s right! This girl!

My dad brought it home about 10 minutes ago. Naturally, the first this I did was go weigh myself. I’m up 7 pounds from when I last weighed. This is so frustrating. I’ve cut my workouts back to a healthy 1-2 hours a day, but I don’t eat over 600 calories most days, and often under 400. And yet, I gained 7 pounds. I guess I’ll just have to increase my workouts again.

So, on the one hand I’m really happy to have my scale back, and on the other, I’m so frustrated about gaining so much weight. Also, I purged just now for the first time in about a week after freaking out over a bowl of soup, and my right arm won’t stop shaking. It’s making it hard to type or use my mouse. Plus, it’s just simply annoying.

I started running again. I’ve been going on walks every day, and I found myself missing running. Like, physically, I ached to run. So, this morning, I did.

I can’t run far anymore, I haven’t done it in 6 years. However, I was pleased to just see that I could indeed run. I alternated walking and running for a couple miles and wound my way back home this way. It was exhilarating. How I have missed it! I also have come to appreciate biking more and more lately. When I ran before, I hated cycling, I didn’t own a bike and I didn’t use them at the gym. However, now, I bike every day, and I have noticed the strength in my legs when I run. My lungs still need to catch up, but my legs were just fine! I wish I had discovered this “secret” years earlier.

I, unfortunately, am not getting a lot of school work done. I made the mistake of checking out 13 books from the library. I just want to read all day, and tend to, instead of studying. I really need to get on it. My goal for tomorrow is to actually focus on my school work, at least for a little bit.

The weekend is not my friend

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This is how I feel when dealing with the staff at the eating disorder center. Especially when it comes to nutrition.

No, actually, just in general.

When they tell me I’m wrong about anything, how much I’m eating (or not eating), when they tell me my thinking on something is wrong, I think, “Don’t you think if I were wrong, I would know it?”

Then again, I recognize that I am wrong on some things, and that’s why I am in treatment.

I spent the whole weekend at my brothers’ place. I have 3 brothers, 2 of them live together. The four of us got together for a weekend of games.

The games themselves were fun.

Eating was…

Knowing that I’m being weighed tomorrow at the center made eating harder than normal. It made keeping it down harder than normal.

I found myself enjoying the company of my brothers less and worrying about food and weight and appearance more.

I intentionally got drunk one night just so I could stop thinking about it all. I woke up the next morning feeling guilty, calculating the number of calories I’d ingested through alcohol, and feeling foolish for doing that to myself.

When I got home, the first thing my dad did was ask, “Do you want fries?”

He was just about to make a batch of fries in the oven. I already wanted to binge and purge, so when asked unexpectedly if I wanted fries, I jumped at it.

While they baked, I made myself a veggie burger, so I had a burger and fries, then purged.

I weighed before purging and again after.

There was a 5 pound difference. Dang!

Granted, some of that was the 3 large glasses of water I drank while I ate. But still.

On top of that, I gained like 10 pounds in the last 3 days while not keeping anything down except that alcohol. Yeah. I love my body.

So tomorrow shall be spent working out and I probably won’t be having any water before I go in because I’m afraid to let them see a gain and I don’t want to add any extra weight to that total.

In some ways, I feel like being in treatment is making it harder for me to try to recover.