Tag Archives: frustration

Disappointment & Frustration

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I just got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They wouldn’t authorize the partial hospitalization program that my team and the eating disorder clinic wanted me in. They only authorized the evening intensive outpatient program, which is 4 nights a week.

I’m frustrated and disappointed. I know the EIOP can be helpful, and I will try to make it so, but I really feel like I need the PHP right now.

I go in Monday at 1pm. Normally I’ll be going in at 4:45pm-9pm, Monday-Thursday.

Fasting

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fun_fasting

I’m fasting. I went to the doctor and he told me I need to lose weight. So, I will, the only way I know how.

I don’t know how long I’ll be fasting, but for now, indefinitely.

Diagnosis

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When I was talking to the eating disorder center’s intake coordinator last week, she suggested I get evaluated for bipolor disorder based on my answers to some of her questions.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, so I planned to bring it up.

I didn’t have to. She brought it up first. She recommended a diagnosis of bipolar 2 and prescribed a mood stabilizer for me. She told me that it’s common for people with bipolar to get worse, or even suicidal, on antidepressants.

After I had time to process it, I felt both a sense of relief and hope and of frustration and anger. I feel relieved and hopeful because I feel like so many questions I had about myself have been answered and I have a plan of action that could actually help. I feel anger and frustration because I have been telling doctors and mental health professionals for years that antidepressants make me worse and suicidal and they always just brushed me off like I was crazy and then prescribed a new antidepressant, then acted like I had done something wrong when I proceeded to get worse.

I told my mom this afternoon and she started crying. I thought she was upset about the diagnosis, but when I asked her about it, she said it was relief. She told me she’s never been so relieved about bad news before.

I’m unsure whether to tell anyone else. I told a close friend, but I don’t know whether I’ll tell other friends, or my siblings. Still thinking on this. Thoughts?

Ravenous Hunger

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I just finished 2 hours on my bike. When I came out to the living room, my mom had a bag of beautiful, plump, green grapes. She offered me some. Uncharacteristically, I accepted.

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

As soon as I started eating them, I felt ravenous. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hungry. I mean, literally.

I don’t usually feel hunger. Ever. But when I started eating those grapes, it was like a switch flipped and suddenly my stomach was like an angry monster demanding to be fed.

I do NOT like it.

Seriously??

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I was basically told to “just eat” a moment ago by a former anorexic…