Today I have gone to the laundromat, cleaned everything, packed, baked, eaten, purged, started a scarf, and yet I still feel like I haven’t done anything today. I feel unaccomplished. I feel like I have so much energy and so many ideas and I want to do all of them right now and that’s obviously not feasible and it’s frustrating because no matter how much I get done, I won’t even begin to chip away at the list flying around in my head so it feels negligible. My day is running out and I still have so much to check off that list that I feel frantic to get everything done.
Sometimes, binges happen unexpectedly. I suddenly feel the need to eat and then I just don’t stop.
Other times, they are planned. I want to binge. I plan it out. I plan what I will binge on and when I will binge. Tonight is one of those planned binges. I wanted to binge and purge, felt the need to binge and purge, so I planned one. I went on Pizza Hut’s website and ordered food. A lot of food. Now I am waiting for it. Calmly. Serenely. I will do what I need to do and then I will get rid of it, and I will feel good about it. Because I chose to do it instead of doing it frantically or out of control. I am in control this time. I win.
I spent the first couple hours of my time alone frantically binging on food. Anything and everything I could get my hands on. Pancakes, cereal, pizza bites, cheese, I don’t even remember everything. I felt almost crazed.
When I finally couldn’t eat anymore, I literally freaked out. I took off immediately to my stationary bike and hit it hard for the next couple hours. When I couldn’t do that anymore, I collapsed on my bed for a while to recover. Now my ankle, which has osteoarthritis, is really sore from how hard I’ve been pushing it the last few days.
Now, I’m watching Kim Possible and knitting. I’m making a lot of progress on my friend’s scarf. I’m probably about halfway done. I’m really excited about the progress.
Luckily, people will be home soon and I don’t have to spend the night alone. I have an even harder time alone once it gets dark.