Tag Archives: food

More Internal Conversations


“I don’t need food.” (In response to noticing it’s 5:40pm and I realizing I haven’t eaten today.)

“I wonder what I could eat.”

Wait, what? You just said you didn’t need food, and your very next thought is about what you can eat? Brain, you make no sense.

To save time


I was lying in bed earlier, trying to take a short nap, when a brilliant thought occurred to me.

Whenever I want to binge and purge, instead of eating the food, I’ll just dump it in the toilet. It saves me time and calories.

Preparing for Partial Hospitalization


I got a call (finally!) from the eating disorder center. I’m still scheduled to start at the beginning of July. So, I was thinking to myself what to expect and what it’s going to be like and trying not to freak out about the concept of eating all day long without throwing anything up or taking any laxatives. I have this vision in my head of my whole body just filled to overflowing with decaying food. It’s not a pretty picture.

When I was doing the IOP there, I noticed that a lot of the PHP patients would knit during their free time. So! In anticipation of starting PHP in just over a week, I decided to take up knitting. Not because they do it, but because I know I’m going to need something to do to occupy my mind and time while I try to get used to food being, and staying, in my body, and knitting seems like a good thing for that.

I bought some knitting needles on Amazon, they should be here in a few days. Then, I shall set about teaching myself this thing called knitting. (I have a box full of yarn in my closet, which is part of why I decided to go with knitting.)

What a couple of days I’ve had


I was too distraught last night to post. Yesterday was long and hard. I followed my meal plan yesterday before going in. I got soooo sick on the bus ride.

Yesterday morning, I sent my counselor an email of some of my journal entries that I had planned to show her on Monday, except we got busy talking about other things.

She pulled me aside last night to talk about them because she was concerned, then made me agree to a safety contract.

She’s more determined than ever that I should be in the partial hospitalization program. She also wants me to stay in their dorm for extra support.

Today, I was having a really hard time following my meal plan. I just was hating food and hating my meal plan and hating life. I managed to eat what I had agreed with my nutritionist to eat, and keep it down, but I hated myself all the more for it.

I had very little motivation to go to treatment today, but my dad offered me a ride (meaning no nauseating bus ride) and I allowed him to take me.

When I arrived, I had a random weight check (weights are normally on Monday) and I pretty much freaked out internally.

At dinner, all I could think about was my weight and the weigh in and I couldn’t eat dinner. I had to boost. I drank it during art therapy.

Groups were ok tonight. I got to process some stuff in art therapy, then we had friends and family groups where support people come in and learn stuff.

I’m afraid of being kicked out of the program for non-compliance. My third week is almost over and I’m still not finishing dinner most nights and restricting during the day and binging and purging at night. I feel like I haven’t made any progress. But I also feel like treatment is my one lifeline at the moment and that if I can’t continue, if I get kicked out (whether for my behavior or insurance) before I make so much more progress, I will have no choice but to go back to my eating disorder fully because I feel so out of control and overwhelmed all the time that I feel like if I don’t have treatment and don’t have my eating disorder, I won’t make it.

Tomorrow is the last day I’ve been approved for so far. Hopefully I don’t have to wait the entire weekend to find out the results this time. Hopefully I hear tomorrow or Friday. Hopefully they approve php, because I feel like something needs to give, and that might be the thing to help it happen.

I feel so much turmoil. So much conflict. I feel tired. Exhausted. At the end of my rope.

In which I eat nails


This picture sums up how I feel after I eat and don’t purge.

I had a migraine today and it just would not go away no matter what I did. When I went to treatment tonight, I could only finish 15% of my dinner because I was so nauseous, so I had to boost. Luckily, I was allowed to sip it slowly during group.

It’s pretty bad, but not as bad as it was made out to be.

I did notice that after getting some nutrition down, my migraine did start to lesson.

I explained that I haven’t tried following my meal plan at all so far because having to go and eat dinner and a snack and keep them down has been overwhelming enough and I couldn’t even think about trying to keep down anything else.

They suggested that for this weekend, I just focus on trying to eat and keep down one meal a day. So, after I got home, I sat down with my mom and she helped me plan some dinners. I don’t know what order I’ll eat them in, but here’s what I planned out for this weekend. They sound absolutely huge to me, but according to the handouts I got, this is what I’m supposed to eat.

For dinners, I’m supposed to have 2 starches, 3 proteins, 2 fats, 1 fruit, and 1 non-starchy vegetable.

Meal #1:
Hamburger bun, boca burger with a slice of cheese, a side salad with dressing, and a fruit that has yet to be decided.

Meal #2:
1 large or 2 small potatoes, 1 cup hummus, 1 cup carrots, 1 apple, and 4 tbsp peanut butter.

Meal #3:
Mac & Cheese, 1 hard-boiled egg, 1/2 cup green beans, and another undetermined fruit.

So there’s that.

My motivation to actually follow through on this is only so-so.

Tonight for first group we had DBT. It was really good information but, of course, I ended up crying again. I hate that.

Second group was process group. I think I like process group.

Now to try to do things all on my own for the weekend.

I’m going to my brothers’ place tomorrow afternoon and will probably be there through Sunday afternoon. I’m going to take my own meals all pre-portioned and planned out and hopefully that will make it easier.

We got homework tonight to work on over the weekend. I’ll need to find some time to do that this weekend between games.