I spent my weekend with my brothers. For the most part, it was great. We play games, we drank vodka, we caroused, we enjoyed each other’s company. The was only one down side.
As you may know, I was on a restrictive diet when I left for the weekend. While drunk, I ended up eating. I woke up the next morning, remembered eating a sandwich, and was suddenly filled with dark suicidal thoughts. You don’t know regret until your regret comes with the knowledge that you need and deserve to be dead because of the mistake you made.
Luckily the suicidal thoughts only lasted an hour or so, but it was a rough morning.
So, tomorrow, I am starting the diet over and it will be a fasting day.
Last night I bought some spiced apple cider last night. Today is day 4, so I am having 300 calories today. Theoretically.
The cider is 130 calories for a cup. I can have 2 cups for 260 calories, or I can have one cup for 130 calories and a 170 calorie salad. I’m not sure yet which I’ll do.
It’s Day 3, so 250 calories. Today for lunch, I’m going to eat a salad. The salad dressing and cheese will bring me right up to 250 calories.
This morning in therapy we did a chain analysis on my restricting. I started crying when we figured out that that I’m restricting because, since I can’t purge right now, the calories scare me and I just can’t handle them right now. I think I cried because of how much calories are scaring me right now. I just can’t do them. It’s too overwhelming. My therapist recognized that and didn’t make me commit to eating more. She did give me skills to use if I felt like I could handle trying to eat. We’ll see. Right now I just can’t.
Day 2, 200 calories. I found a Luna Bar in my purse that my sister gave me yesterday. It’s 190 calories. That’s my food for today. I’m going to eat half for lunch, half for dinner.
This is my 600th post!! Crazy!
I’m starting this today, so I’m fasting today.
I don’t know what “MONO” means so I’ll just make something up that day.
I like having different targets each day, it makes life more interesting. And doing something like this should help keep me accountable and hopefully reduce the binging and purging. At least, it always has in the past. I don’t expect to “fix” anything “fast,” it’s just for my peace of mind.