Tag Archives: fibromyalgia

Day One of Plan “Be Better”

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Day one of my plan to be better is going well. It’s 4pm and I haven’t eaten. I have, however, worked out. It was hard. I am in so much fibromyalgia pain, my whole body hurts. I got hardly any sleep last night because of it. Working out through it took all my determination. And yet, I did it!

I also got good news. I have insurance again! I was able to pick up the 3 prescriptions I haven’t had, including my fibromyalgia medication. While it doesn’t provide immediate relief, I am so grateful to have it again.

I’m worried about the logistics of not eating until Sunday. I know that I can do it, physically, but I also know my mom is bound to notice. Earlier today, I was told that if I’m not going back to treatment, I need to tell my parents how they can help me with recovery. I have nothing for them, since I’m not trying to recover. I don’t really want to have that conversation, though. I’m afraid that now that my parents have been involved in my treatment, and have forced me into treatment before, they will give me some kind of ultimatum if they realize I’m not eating. I really need to move out on my own so I can fully make my own decisions.

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Fibromyalgia’s a bitch

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I ran out of fibromyalgia meds about a week ago and since my insurance dropped me I can’t afford to get it refilled. The pain is very bad tonight. It keeps waking me up. I just want to sleep. It hurts so much.

My plan to “be better”

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bebetter

When I saw this image the other day, it really spoke to me. I have always felt there is something inherently wrong with me and a need to “be better” than I am. When I saw this image, I knew I needed to do something to make myself better. I just didn’t have a plan. Now, I do.

My brothers recommended an anime called Knights of Sidonia. I was watching it today when a character asked, “Isn’t it time for our weekly meal?” That’s when it clicked! You see, the people in this anime have learned to photosynthesize and only require food once a week.

After hearing this simple question, I realized I should only be eating once a week. This morning, while alone, I completely pigged out on food. I can’t keep doing that. So, from now on, I’m only eating on Sundays. Sunday seems like an appropriate day to eat. I don’t know why, but it feels safe.

I have also decided working out daily is NOT optional anymore. I don’t care how bad I’m feeling or how bad the fibromyalgia pain, it’s no longer optional.

So these are my two new rules for a better me.

Upcoming discharge and overwhelmingness

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This week has been HARD. I have had food challenges every day, passes every day, shrimp, super hard sessions, and more.

After my ridiculously hard solo dinner pass Wednesday, I came home and binged, then freaked out and exercised until I physically couldn’t anymore.

Probably because of that, and exercising hard yesterday, my fibromyalgia had flared up badly this morning upon waking. I almost didn’t go into program, I was in so much pain.

While meeting with my dietician today, she told me my team thinks I may need more time. As it is now, my discharge date is the 19th — 8 weeks after I entered the program. I’m exhausted. I just want to be done with it. However, I trust my team and I’ll stay longer if they end up deciding I need to.

What depression looks like: showering

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I showered this morning. In fact, as I type this, I’m sitting on my bed in a robe with wet, and partially brushed hair.

This may seem like no big deal to most.

However, when you are clinically depressed, it might just be.

I didn’t shower for over a week before this morning. I hate admitting it. I don’t admit those kinds of things to my closest friends. My mind equates poor hygiene with laziness, and I literally cannot admit to anyone anything that might even imply laziness. 

It’s not that I didn’t want to shower. I felt vile and disgusting and fee things will make you feel worse about yourself than truly awful personal hygiene. I didn’t want to see or be seen. I hated myself for not showering. 

So why didn’t  I just shower?

Did you know that depression can cause extreme fatigue? I’m not talking “I went to bed too late so I’m tired”, I’m talking “I haven’t slept in days and my whole body aches with weariness and my brain literally hurts from exhastion and even thinking about moving feels overwhelming and I might cry if I consider it too long” complete and total fatigue.

Did you know this  kind of overwhelming fatigue can completely override your life? Your sense of hunger, your will to maintain your hygiene, any interest in anything at all?

Did you know that depression is often accompanied by another illness such as fibromyalgia, low thyroid, or any number of things that can ALSO cause fatigue? 

I have hypothyroidism and fibromyalgia. At the moment, I’m not on anything for the fibromyalgia because the last med I took to control it left me wanting to stab myself and literally sew my mouth shut. My doctor thought it best to taper off of it instead of continuing the risk of me doing some permanent, and possibly fatal, harm to myself. So now I have to wait until Thursday to discuss new options.

In the meantime, I’m left with uncontrolled fibromyalgia and uncontrolled depression and when you combine those, it’s hard to function at a level that resembles human.

Sothis morning, I finally have the tiniest spark of energy and I FORCE myself to shower. I throw on a robe and collapse on my bed for a while. Finally, I’ve regained enough energy to brush my hair.

Where is my hairbrush? I couldn’t find it anywhere, which is odd since I only use it in one place.

Suddenly, it occurred to me: it might still be in my duffel bag. 

You see, last weekend, I went to my brothers’ place. Naturally, I packed my brush. And since I’ve neither showered, nor brushed my haor, in over a week, I had never unpacked it.

Naturally.

Self-consciousness

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A friend texted me and asked if I wanted to come spend a day or so with her while she house sits later this week. 

I love this friend, but she is also bulimic, except she’s the bulimic I can’t seem to be. She’s tiny. She binges and purges all the time and looks anorexic. This is something I’ve never been able to accomplish. Even when I don’t eat and exercise all day I stay fat. 

The last few weeks since getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I haven’t been purging (until the last couple days) and I ran out of laxatives so I am full of feces. I’ve been sick and experiencing a really bad fibro flare up so I’ve hardly exercised. I’m afraid to weigh myself, but I know I’ve gained a lot. 

I told my friend I was too gargantuan to visi. 

I wish my desire to be with friends weren’t outweighed by my fear of them seeing my expanding body. 

The removal

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So, as I mentioned briefly, I went to the dentist Wednesday afternoon. I was expecting to have them check my teeth, maybe clean them, and then schedule another appointment for any work that needed to be done. Nope!

I went in and they took about 20 x-rays of my mouth. No exaggeration. Then the dentist came in and poked around my teeth and told his assistant which teeth needed what. I lost count, but I think I had around 10 cavities. This was no surprise to me. Then, he tells me I should have had my wisdom teeth out and asks if I want him to do that. I said yes.

So, he gave me 6 shots in my gums and leaves me for a few minutes to let it work its magic. I was freezing. I forgot how medical offices are always freezing and I was wearing a strapless summer dress. I don’t know if it was the cold, the nerves, the meds, or some combination of these (or something else) but I was shaking the entire 3-hour appointment.

When he came back, the dentist drilled out my cavities. I had to get 2 more shots partway through because the stuff they were injecting wasn’t working like it’s supposed to. After he finished, his assistant did my fillings. When she finished, the dentist came back and cleaned my teeth. believe it or not, that was the most painful part of the whole appointment. After the cleaning, I got 6 more shots and he proceeded to pull out my wisdom teeth.

That, crazily enough, was the least painful part of the whole appointment. However, the sounds were horrible. It sounded like they were breaking my bones. When he was finished removing all four wisdom teeth, I was released to the bathroom to wash up. I had blood all over my face and neck. Lovely.

So, what I had thought would be a 30 minute appointment turned into 180 minutes, 10 fillings, 1 cleaning, and 4 extractions.

While I wasn’t expecting that, I’m glad to have it done and over with. I’m glad I don’t need to go back for six months and that they didn’t have to pull all my teeth out. I’m glad the only teeth that needed pulled were my wisdom teeth.

The dentist said that after I heal, having my wisdom teeth gone should help with the earaches and migraines.

On Wednesday, I didn’t eat before going in and I couldn’t eat after, so I didn’t have any food on Wednesday. Yesterday, I was allowed broth and tea. I had a couple cups of broth throughout the day. Today, I could have soft foods/liquids, so I had some soup and applesauce.

I haven’t slept well in the last couple nights. I keep waking in extreme pain. Also, my whole body seemed to not handle the appointment/extraction well and I’ve been achier and more fatigued than normal. I wonder if that’s a Fibro thing.

Tomorrow is still soft foods and liquids, and then it’s whatever I can tolerate. I do have to rinse my mouth with warm salt water every 6 hours. Woooh!

I haven’t worked out in the last couple days because of how miserable I’ve been, but I’m hoping to tomorrow. Somehow, even without eating for 2 days, I still gained weight. This is just ridiculous. So, I need to get back on track.

Wish me luck. I need a speedy recovery.

Making progress!

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Last night was pretty pretty terrible. My body was in so much fibromyalgia pain, combined with muscle fatigue, everything ached, and I just lay in my bed and cried. For a couple hours.

My sleep last night was fitful, and filled with unpleasant dreams. I woke up with a terrible migraine. I wanted to stay in bed, but I had to get up because people were coming by to inspect the units.

I didn’t have time right away to do my weighing routine because I still had a few thing to take care of this morning. (You know, making my bed, cleaning the cat litter, stuff I couldn’t really do last night, or needed to be done again.)

Because I hadn’t weighed yet, I couldn’t drink or eat anything because I needed to get as accurate a weight as possible. They about an hour after arriving (they kept going in and out, checking different things) and the first thing I did was run to the bathroom, undress, and weigh myself.

I was down 3 pounds. Finally, after a month of over exercising on top of my normal behaviors, and having absolutely NO weight loss, it’s starting to budge. It kind of makes me want to not start PHP next week because I’m finally making progress.