Getting back on track, but terrified

All I do right now is binge and purge. I can’t even do my schoolwork because I’m too busy binging and purging. I can’t get myself to stop the cycle. So, it looks like I’ll be going back into the evening intensive outpatient program. Assuming, of course, my insurance will cover another round of EIOP this year. I have an appointment to get medical clearance next week and also an intake assessment. I’m going to do it, because I know I need the help right now. However, I’m scared to go back into the program. Scared of eating without purging, scared of putting in the work, scared of facing my feelings.

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Newly discovered fear of elevators

I didn’t used to be afraid of elevators. I used to enjoy when I had to take the elevator. It was like a mini theme park ride.

Today, I had to take an elevator. It filled me with fear.

I don’t think I mentioned in all the chaos that was going on while my dad was in the hospital (or maybe I did) that I got stuck in the hospital elevator on my last day there. The elevator fell several feet and then stopped, with me trapped inside. It terrified me. Mostly the fall. Now, I’m afraid every elevator is going to fall.

New Therapist and a New Nose

I saw my new therapist this morning. It was hard. Every time you see a new therapist, you have to retell your life story. I definitely had a cry fest in her office. We also went over all my “behaviors” and came up with a plan of action to try to help me get better, which is what I so want. I’m just scared A) to do the work needed to do it, and B) scared to change. This week, I’m supposed to work on asking for help before I engage in behaviors, which I’m terrible at. I hate asking or help. I’m bad at it and I hate doing it and it’s hard and it hurts me physically. But that’s what my therapist wants me to work on this week.

After I met with my therapist, I went to see my surgeon, who cut stitches in my nose and took out the splints I had in my nostrils. That was painful! However, I can breathe!! My nose is straight and smooth and WORKS! I can chew my salad and BREATHE. I can take a drink of water and BREATHE! It’s amazing!! Who knew this was so cool?? My nose is still in a lot of pain. And I need to keep spraying it with the saline every hour for the next 3 weeks until I go back to see the surgeon again. My goal is to not purge during those 3 weeks. I have no idea how well this plan is going to work, but that’s the goal nonetheless.

LoveMe Challenge, Day 14

Day #14: Share a fear you overcame.

Nothing comes to mind. I spent the better part of 15 minutes trying to think of something, but couldn’t.

Don’t do stupid things

The semicolon project is very popular right now. I was thinking about it and if people are getting tattoos to remind themselves to stay alive, maybe what I need is a tattoo to remind myself not to do stupid things. Maybe a nice one on my wrist that says “Don’t do anything stupid today.” Just getting through today without doing anything stupid should be an attainable goal, right?

I say this after a day where I first threw out ALL my food because I was afraid of it, then ate food  from my trash can, then purged, then freaked out about eating food and took a handful of laxatives and is now up all night dealing with the effects of the laxative taking (nausea, severe cramping, vomiting, etc). 

So maybe if I had seen “Don’t do anything stupid today” on my wrist at some point during the day, I would have stopped and thought and processed and NOT done something that I did today. Maybe?

**Note** I’m not actually considering getting this tattoo, you don’t have to tell me it’s a bad idea.

How Adorable?

I finally finished my niece’s scarf, so I have a complete set. A toddler-sized hat and scarf each for my 18 month old niece and nephew. I can’t wait until they’re back from visiting my brother-in-law’s family so I can try them on the twins!

I was supposed to meet with my therapist today, but she called out sick this morning. I was out most of the day anyway running errands.

Today I had frozen yogurt. The last time I had it, I cried. I did a lot better this time, even though I did go and work out directly after eating it. I don’t know why certain foods freak me out more than others.

Someone has been showing interest in me the last few days and it’s been scaring me. I don’t know how to handle the romantic interest he’s showing. I just want to push him away, but a little part of me wants to be ok with it so I haven’t told him to back off. Plus, I just don’t know how to respond. I think part of me is scared to make him mad by saying no. I know that’s probably not a good thing, but it’s true.

New Car Smell

Hopefully, tomorrow, I’m buying a new car! It’ll be my first car. Now I just need to get a license.

Here’s the thing, driving scares the shit out of me. It’s the main reason I haven’t tried very hard to get a car or license before now. However, I really need some more independence. I sincerely think it’s necessary for my mental health.

Anxiety and Avoidance

My anxiety has been really bad lately.

This evening, I was supposed to go to a barbecue with a friend. I didn’t really want to go in the first place, but she didn’t want to go alone.

Today, my anxiety was very high. I was freaking out about going. I canceled on her.

I feel terrible. I also feel relieved.

I hate that my anxiety makes me an awful, flaky friend. I hate that it keeps me from doing things I want to, or should, do. I wish I knew how to fight it or change it, but I don’t. I’ve tried everything my counselor suggests and nothing helps.

Right to bear arms

My brother is now making “adult money” as he calls it. He told me the first big purchase he wants to make it to buy a gun.

In thinking about it, I realized I can’t own a gun. On my bad days, it would be too much of a temptation.

My uncle shot himself in his basement. I am scared I would do the same thing if I were really struggling. It’s hard enough to keep myself alive without a deadly weapon in my possession.

Here against my will

Did I mention I am in treatment against my will at this point?

Right now, I’m completely dependent upon my parents financially, so they have a lot of power over my life. They gave teamed up with my counselor and gave me an ultimatum, basically “stay in treatment or else”.

So, here I am in treatment. All of last week, I felt like I was in prison. Like I was being held in this program against my will and it made me really resent the program and my counselor.

However, I’m starting to have a change of heart. If I’m going to be here, which for now I am, I might as well make the most of it. I may not have the fire to recover I did before, but I am at least going to try to get what I can out of the program while I can. Which, I guess, means meeting with the dietician, who I’ve been avoiding like the plague. Eating. Trying to keep it down. Maybe even trying to follow the meal plan again.

It all sounds terrifying when I type it out, but I’m going to try.