I hate fat people

I know I’m probably going to get a lot of hate for this, but there it is.

Why, you ask, do I hate fat people? Well, technically I don’t hate them, they just make me acutely uncomfortable. When I am around fat people, you see, it is a blaring reminder to me that I am in fact very fat. All I can think about is how fat I am. I don’t know why they have this effect on me, but they do. I can think of nothing else when they’re around except how fat I am.

I bring this up because there is a new lady in treatment who is fat. I don’t say that to be demeaning, it’s just a description of her body. But I am severely uncomfortable around her, and that makes me feel like a bad person. I feel like a hypocrite. Like a complete ass.

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Why are you so ugly?

I wish I was one of those people who could love themselves. I’m not. I’m too ugly. Too fat. Too worthless. Too disgusting. Too me.

I’m fat

Or maybe it just means I’m fat.

An exercise in will?

I leave for California in 2 weeks. All I can think of is how massive and disgusting I am.

He wants to go to the beach and I just want to hide inside.

I keep toying with the idea of not eating between now and when I leave.

Expression through art *Trigger Warning for self-harm and eating disorders*

I hate me. I was overcome with self-hatred tonight. I hate that I’m a giant blob of fat and I am disgusting and revolting nothing I do changes that. 

Reunion

The girls (women) I was in treatment with earlier this year are planning a reunion at the end of the month. They want me to come. I don’t want to. I was already the largest, and now I’m sure I’m rven larger. I want to see everyone, but I don’t want to be seen. 

Brain removal

So I was using Stumble Upon to help distract me from the infuriating conversation I had with aforementioned Christian male who believes I am rejecting Christ and the Bible. I hit the Stumble button and I got this site with facts about the brain.

I start reading through the list and see number 3: “Your brain is the organ with the most amount of fat in your body – about 60 percent.”

Now, imagine how my bulimic brain took that. I do suppose there would be advantages of having no brain. I wouldn’t get so aggravated when people try to use the Bible for their own gain.

Self-consciousness

A friend texted me and asked if I wanted to come spend a day or so with her while she house sits later this week. 

I love this friend, but she is also bulimic, except she’s the bulimic I can’t seem to be. She’s tiny. She binges and purges all the time and looks anorexic. This is something I’ve never been able to accomplish. Even when I don’t eat and exercise all day I stay fat. 

The last few weeks since getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I haven’t been purging (until the last couple days) and I ran out of laxatives so I am full of feces. I’ve been sick and experiencing a really bad fibro flare up so I’ve hardly exercised. I’m afraid to weigh myself, but I know I’ve gained a lot. 

I told my friend I was too gargantuan to visi. 

I wish my desire to be with friends weren’t outweighed by my fear of them seeing my expanding body. 

The very fat girl

This is how I feel every time someone sees or touches me. How can they stand to look at me? How can they touch me and not feel utter revulsion? It’s how I felt every time my ex wanted to be intimate, he the thin boy and me the very fat girl. 

So, about that diet…

Yesterday, I saw some pictures of myself that I didn’t know had been taken. I saw how undeniably fay I am. I wanted to destroy the pictures.

I decided last night that something needs to change. So, I decided to do the 2468 diet. I used to do a varient of it when I was anorexic. I couldn’t eat 800 calories, so I changed it to the 01235 diet. However, being bulimic all these years, I thought I should ease back into it, so I’m starting with 800 and I’ll work down to 200 (so really, it’s the 8642 diet?).

For me personally, I do better when I have a new goal each day, which is why I like varying diets like this one. It’s also probably the easiest to follow because I know all the numbers and just cycle, unlike the ones that set up a month and then I’d have to look it up each day.

I’m still undecided as to whether to try to keep this food down. Even in small doses it’s hard to keep food in. For example, I’ve had 568 calories today, I haven’t purged, and I am STUFFED.