I have jury duty in the morning. I am filled with so much dread. I’m nervous beyond reason. I’ve been using unhealthy coping mechanisms to try to stay somewhat calm.
I also can’t afford to be picked. I have appointments every day this week. Tuesday, I’m finally supposed to meet with a new psychiatrist. I’ve waited since JUNE for this. I’m going to be so frustrated if I miss it because I’m in jury duty.
On a positive note, I went trick-or-treating yesterday with my toddler niece and nephew, sister, and brother-in-law. I really enjoyed that.
I am tired. I am weary. I have been so busy this week. Between appointments, spending time at the hospital with my dad, treatment, pre-surgery stuff, helping out around the house, plus we have been going through our storage unit trying to get rid of as much as possible so we can stop paying an extra $200 a month on a storage unit to store a bunch of stuff we don’t need. That’s physically exhausting between the fibromyalgia and the rheumatoid arthritis. I woke up this morning fatigued, tired, ready to sleep another night. My body aches and my brain feels like cotton. I have another day of looking through boxes and moving furniture and then spending time with my dad at the hospital.
I’m grateful to be able to spend time at the hospital. But I feel guilty if I take time to myself because he’s there 24/7 alone, bored, restless, in pain. I know I need to take care of myself too, and I’m trying, but finding the right balance has been hard. Today is a week since we ambushed him. A week he’s been in the hospital. He’ll find out more tomorrow about when he can come home.
After my dad was admitted to the hospital, I spent the night and next day with him, keeping him company, making sure he had everything he needed, listening to the doctors to make sure we knew what was going on, advocating for him. It was a long couple days, first in the ER, then in the hospital the next day. Last night I came home and slept. I just showered and I feel refreshed.
My dad’s infection spread into his muscle. The doctor said if he’d left it much longer, it’d be in his bone, and he’d had lost the leg. I’m relieved and so thankful that my family ambushed him and made him go to the hospital. He’ll need several surgeries and lots of strong antibiotics. He goes in for his first surgery today.
My sister is taking today’s shift. I wish I could be there for him, but I also know I need to rest today. I’m very sore, my fibromyalgia is flaring up from the hospital chair I spent the last couple days in. Even with my frequent walks I didn’t escape its cruel consequences.
I talk to my dad via Facebook messenger (because it doesn’t use his data since it’s over the hospital’s wifi) often. He’s, naturally, bored and restless. The next time I go up to see him (tomorrow) I’m taking cards and we’ll play cribbage.
A bit ago I wrote about my dad’s infection in his leg and how he’s believing for faith healing and refuses to see a doctor for it.
Well, my siblings, mom, and I talked yesterday. We talked about how worried we are about him and his health, and how we’re worried about losing him. So, we have staged an intervention for tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. I hate confrontation. I don’t want to confront him on this. However, something needs to give, because I’m terrified of losing him. So, I’ll be a part of this intervention if it give more weight to the event. I assume the more people who come together the more seriously he’ll take it.
Here’s hoping he doesn’t just blow us off.
Day #25: What makes you laugh?
Gilmore Girls, Parks and Recreation, Mash, Psych, my family’s sense of humor, my friends.
Day #24: What makes you happy?
Spending time with my family. My family makes me happy like nothing else, especially my mom and brothers. I adore my nieces and nephews. I have always been close to my family. I grew up playing board games with them, playing pretend, playing video games, reading with them, arguing with and making up with them, making craft with them, so on and so forth. My family didn’t have a lot of money, but we had each other and we have always been there for each other.
I got up at 6am to binge and purge. An hour and a half later and I’m still going strong.
I cried myself to sleep missing my sister. I woke up crying and grumpy and just out of sorts. I guess my solution was to binge and purge until I’m numb. I’m not numb yet.
I had 2 lunches today. A friend asked me to go out with her this morning to the spice shop to replenish her holiday spices so she can do fall baking. I agreed. After we finished at the spice store, we were just around the corner from a great sushi place we both like so she invited me to lunch. I knew I had a family lunch later, but I agreed anyway because I love sushi and rarely eat it. So, I went with my friend and I got sushi.
I then came home, purged, and hurried to lunch with my family, where I proceeded to eat a second lunch. I have a problem.
Day #18: Something that feeds your brain.
Reading. I’m lucky enough to have been born to two avid readers who also loved to read to their children. I practically grew up in libraries. I adore reading and when the apathy and listlessness of my bipolar depression hasn’t taken over to where I can’t get myself to do anything, I read all the time, anything I can get my hands on, both fiction and non-fiction. Right now I’m reading Loving Our Kids on Purpose, The Way They Learn, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and The Secret Garden. (The last two are re-reads.)
Day #15: Something you have done right.
Being an aunt. I was the best darn aunt a child could ask for. I was the kind of aunt who played video games and board games and card games. I taught crafts and made up games. I planned art projects. I taught my niece to ride her bike. I took them swimming, took them to the park, watched movies, built fort. I introduced them to Star Wars and then helped them build light sabers and had light saber battles. I helped them search for lost hamsters, kissed wounded knees, and smoothed wounded egos. And there was nothing else I loved in the world more than being their aunt.