Slips feel like failure

I had a slip tonight. I binged and purged. I feel like a failure. I don’t plan to stay stuck in this slip, but it still feels like I’ve failed.

On the bright side, I dyed my hair blue today. It looks great.

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I failed twice over

This comic has nothing to do with this post.

I planned to fast today. I did, until dinner. Then, my parents insisted on buying me dinner and watching me eat it. I couldn’t think of a good excuse not to, since I’m “recovered”. So I ate it, then purged.

I had planned not to purge during the 3 weeks until I go back to see my surgeon about how my nose is healing, but that obviously didn’t happen. So not only did I eat today, I purged. But I couldn’t eat on a fasting day and NOT purge.

All I can think of is how I’ve doubly failed. I am twice the failure.

I’ve Succeeded?

 

I don’t know how to feel right now. Part of me feels like I’ve succeeded. Part of me feels like a big, fat, disgusting failure.

Why?

Well, I’ve been really struggling the last couple days and I’ve been eating A LOT to cope and luckily I’ve been working out enough that it’s not messing with my weight, but I still feel like a fat, lazy slob for eating so much. Because I’ve been eating so much, I got it in my head to eat everything in the house that’s mine except my smoothie foods so that I’m not left with the option to binge, and at least if I try, it’s on frozen fruit and not on starches. Just now, I finished the last of my non-smoothie food. So I succeeded, after a sort…

Now to go work it off.

I can’t even get into treatment

After finding out that I am not actually starting PHP, next week or otherwise, I spent many hours binging and purging and trying to numb myself. It hasn’t been very successful.

I feel like such a failure. I failed at getting into treatment. I failed at being sick enough to make anyone take interest. I failed at being thin enough for anyone’s concern. I failed, I fail, I will fail. That’s all I do.

I will die fat and a failure.

Why not anorexia?

This is how I feel all the time.

To make up for binging and purging 3 times yesterday, I haven’t eaten today. This was fine until around 6pm. Up until that point, I wasn’t hungry and I legitimately felt incapable of eating. My mind and stomach were both anti-food.

However, about an hour ago, I suddenly felt famished. I tried to fill it with water and ice. It’s not working. Now I feel dizzy and nauseous and like I might involuntarily throw up at any moment.

This frustrates me.

Before I started purging many, many years ago, I restricted only. I would fast frequently. It wasn’t uncommon for me to go a week or two weeks straight without eating. Now, if I even think about not eating, my body complains.

Maybe it did then too. Maybe I was just always so weak and dizzy and sick that not eating for an extra day didn’t seem like a big deal.

However, now that my body is used to receiving food on a daily basis, even if I don’t keep it down, I definitely notice the difference and I don’t like feeling this way and it triggers another binge purge cycle. I don’t want to eat normally, but I don’t want to binge and purge either.

I miss restricting. I miss fasting. I miss my collar bones. I don’t miss my hip bones or ribs as much because they would poke into things and it was painful to lie on my stomach, but I miss my collarbones so much. I miss the way my wrists used to look.

I often feel like a failure at having an eating disorder because I switched from restricting to binging and purging. I didn’t know when I started purging “out of necessity” that I would end up this way. I wish I had just stuck it out and let everyone find out and just not given a fuck.

I can’t take it back, and I can’t seem to find my stride in restricting anymore. I just want to not eat today, but I know that more than likely I will end up eating tonight. I will end up hunched over the toilet. I will end up lying in my bed hating myself more than normal. I will wake up tomorrow awash with guilt, bloated and sick, sore and aching.

My throat is perpetually raw lately. Somehow that bothers me less than the weak, dizzy feeling I get when I don’t eat. Even eating with my sore throat bothers me less. I don’t know why I tolerate some things better than  others.

Maybe I just need to ride it out and get used to those feelings again. Or maybe this is the wrong time to make plans to go back to anorexia since I start treatment on Monday. I don’t know.

Maybe now I should just end my verbal diarrhea.