Numb

I binged (on liquids, at least) and purged again tonight. Now I’m numb. Too numb to care. And tired. Too tired to knit. I think I’ll lie in bed and watch Mash and give into the numbness.

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Drained

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, PHP is BUSY and exhausting.

Today, for example, I had, on top of the 6 times I was required to eat, anger awareness, session with my primary therapist, process group, one-on-one art therapy, family therapy, and grief and loss group.

Dinner today was really hard and I ate hardly any of it. I’m still working on a boost-free day. Maybe tomorrow is the day.

Lab Results

My doctor’s office called today. My thyroid is still low, despite raising the dosage of my medication numorous times in the last year. I’m also anemic. These two things together might account for why I feel so exhausted all the time.

The future looks exhausting

I got in my third workout of the day after binging and purging on my first ever delivery order of Chinese food.

I am now exhausted, lying in bed, belly full of water and laxatives.

Tomorrow is another day. Another day of food and vomit. Another day of diet pills and laxatives. Another day of exercising until my body gives out. And the thought of it is exhausting. Is overwhelming.

But I don’t know how to stop. I can’t stop.

I think I might be a superhero

And this is a random picture of a cat.

I hardly slept last night. I’d say, at most, for an hour. An interrupted hour.

At one point, I woke biting my tongue. I couldn’t sleep after that. Shortly before 6am, I got up.

I have managed to get some water down, and I haven’t taken any laxatives yet today. I did take the diet pills.

I can’t sit still. The restlessness I get most nights seems to have spilled forth into my day. I need to be moving something, mostly my legs, or my body aches.

Also, I clearly don’t need sleep.

I have 5 hours until I go out with the friend. I have no idea what to do with that time. I feel mentally exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I feel physically restless. I can’t concentrate. Probably because I’m hardly sleeping. I might just watch Netflix or something and zone out.