I want to take a moment and thank you, dear reader, for reading this. And thank you especially to all you who comment on my blog. Your comments mean more to me than you will ever know. Your kindness and encouragement are a bright spot in my life and they really help keep me going when I’m struggling the most.
I appreciate so much the advice, the warm thoughts, the prayers, the resources you send me, the virtual hugs, the solidarity, every comment. Thank you for being you, and thank you for taking the time to visit my blog.
Day #28: What have you learned this 28 days?
I have learned that it’s hard for me to stick to a challenge like this. I’ve also learned that I can do it. I’ve learned that I can be kind and gentle with myself. I’ve learned that others are very kind to me. And very encouraging. I’ve learned it’s good to take a moment to stop my negative thoughts and try to think well of myself, even if it is just for that moment.
You may have seen by now that I hate platitudes, and find them more frustrating and patronizing than helpful.
This was posted on someone’s Facebook wall just now.
This is one of those sayings that sounds so nice and encouraging when you’re the one saying it it. However, as someone who’s been on the receiving end, I have never figured out what “the miracle” is.
I have struggled with depression most of my life and suicidal tendencies for about 2 decades. I have given up, or been close to giving up dozens of times. I have quit, and I have been ready to quit. I have attempted suicide, and I have longed for death. I have had long, hard nights where I KNEW I couldn’t keep going and I didn’t know how to hang on anymore.
I can tell you that not ONCE after any of these points have I experienced “the miracle” that is supposed to happen after. There is no wake up the next morning and things are miraculously better. There is no sudden epiphany that makes everything make sense and all the pain and suffering “worth it”.
My singular goal for tonight, this last day of 2014, was to not spend it in the ER like I did last New Year’s Eve. When a friend asked me what my plans were, that’s what I told her.
I am struggling, and I am hanging on for now, and I am trying to make the right choices. But telling me that “the miracle” is right around the corner is not helpful to me. It kind of just makes me want to slap you and tell you that you haven’t got a clue.
I’m sure I sound cynical. I’m sure I sound mean-spirited. I’m sure I sound bitter. However, when you deal with people telling you the same useless phrases over and over for years, it just gets old.
In my IOP group, I was the encourager. I always had something encouraging, positive, or uplifting for others who were struggling. Every morning, I send out (to those who want it) texts of pictures with encouraging phrases and quotes.
I send random little notes like “You are worth it!”
I can’t take any of it in for myself. I can’t believe it when applying it to me. It’s fine to encourage others, but I can’t encourage myself. Sometimes, I feel like a hypocrite because I don’t believe these things for myself but I hope them so much for everyone else.
So there I am, head in the toilet, when my phone rings. It was the treatment center. I pause and answer. I’ve been approved for one more week of treatment.
I’m still in the evening program, they won’t approve partial hospitalization. I’m beginning to believe it just won’t happen. So that’s whatever.
My family is having an Easter picnic on Sunday. I need to figure out what to eat so that it fits in my meal plan.
I also need to start following my meal plan.
I have so much homework this weekend, both for school and for treatment. One of the things I need to do is write out reasons I want to recover. I’m struggling with this. What if I can’t figure out why I want to recover? The only thing I’ve come up with so far is “I don’t want to be like this forever”.
I decorated a box to keep my reasons in, as well as notes of encouragement from family and friends. I’m hoping it will help me stay focused on why I’m doing this. (If I can just figure that part out.) Above is the cover of the box.
I put “gonna be worth it” as a reminder to myself. I’ve been listening to a song called Worth it All to help myself remember that even though it’s hard right now, it’s (hopefully) going to be worth it all.