I spent the weekend with my brothers. We played Dungeons and Dragons on Saturday. My brother’s girlfriend played too. We had a lot of fun. After my youngest brother and his girlfriend went home, My other two brothers and I played video games and drank.
On Sunday, we played more video games, then we watched the Broncos beat the Patriots. That was great.
Yesterday I started treatment. I didn’t eat before going in at one. When I met with my nutritionist at 3:00, she almost made me eat a snack, but I started crying and she let me wait for dinner. She said she knew that I was really overwhelmed and she would let me wait. I was so relieved because I really didn’t think I could eat a snack right then.
Dinner was hard and I barely finished it in time. But, I did finish my dinner. Through tears. And I didn’t purge afterward or take laxatives after dinner. That was harder still. I cried on and off the rest of the night. However, I made it through.
There are only two other people in the EIOP right now. One lady and one man. They both seem nice. We got along well and they were both very helpful and encouraging during dinner.
I tried to follow my meal plan for breakfast, but ended up feeling overwhelmed and anxious and binged and purged instead. I’m not eating lunch since I binged this morning and can’t purge dinner.
I’m working on tapering off my laxatives with my nutritionist. I usually take 100-300 pills a day. Today and tomorrow I’m taking just 100. Then the next two days I’m going to try to go down to just 50. Then two days at 25. Then none. Then I may have to take Miralax for a while because of how many laxatives my body is used to taking.
Wish me luck for tonight. I’m already so nervous and anxious.
I just got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They wouldn’t authorize the partial hospitalization program that my team and the eating disorder clinic wanted me in. They only authorized the evening intensive outpatient program, which is 4 nights a week.
I’m frustrated and disappointed. I know the EIOP can be helpful, and I will try to make it so, but I really feel like I need the PHP right now.
I go in Monday at 1pm. Normally I’ll be going in at 4:45pm-9pm, Monday-Thursday.
I got a phone call from a coworker wanting to catch up. We talked for a while. I opened up about why I’ve been absent. She asked how I’m doing now. I lied and said I’m getting better.
Yesterday I was able to some food. It was a small amount, measured and planned, thought out carefully for reintroducing my stomach to food.
While it was more like this:
It felt more like this:
Then, right before bed, I ate a bowl of cereal, and promptly purged it. This morning, I ate a very small amount of granola and yogurt. It’s not sitting well. I want to purge, but I’m trying to keep it in.
I’m going to try to eat a couple more times today. It’s not “meals” as defined by my meal plan, but at least it’s something.
Where is the line between lapse and relapse? I haven’t eaten in days. I’m currently drinking coffee to numb the gnawing hunger and calm my anxiety. I’m in danger of being kicked out of eiop or being sent back to php. My counselor is planning to call my parents about my unwillingness to eat.
I can’t eat. I can’t. I don’t know why. I just can’t.
I worry I won’t sleep tonight because of the coffee.
I ran out of coffee, so I can’t rely on it for tomorrow. I have celery, but I can’t even get myself to eat that. Hungry, but unable to eat.
I did my first grocery shopping trip in…I don’t even know how long. Not shopping for binge/purge food, but shopping for a menu, shopping for meals and snacks.
I hated it. I panicked. I cried. I loathed that food in my basket.
But I did it.
The feeling of hating food, just hating food in general, has lingered. Right now, I don’t want to make breakfast. I don’t want to pack food to take for the weekend. I don’t want to follow my meal plan. But I DO want to recovery, and I know that I can’t do that without trusting my dietician and without following the meal plan. So I’m going to try to do all of those things.
I can’t believe I have all this food in the house. Last night I just wanted to binge and purge on all of it. Yet, I didn’t.
And now I shall get ready for the day, and I will eat.
I have been thinking about the progress I’ve made in the last 9 weeks. I spent my first day in treatment in the ER due to extreme dehydration and now I’m getting ready to discharge and step down to evening intensive outpatient. I can’t believe the progress I’ve made. I have only purged once in the last 6 weeks. I can follow my meal plan on my own. This is the first time I’ve believed recovery is possible for me.
I’m discharging on Tuesday. I start EIOP Wednesday.
I’m conflicted. Excited, scared, hopeful, anxious.
I have blue dye in my hair. A touch up job. I have a snack and dinner pass tomorrow. I’m going to comicon tomorrow afternoon/evening and I want my hair to look its best.
I am nervous about going. I feel like the stereotypical fat geek girl. It doesn’t help that I’m going with my brother and his tall, thin, gorgeous girlfriend. However, I’ve been wanting to go for years and every year something comes up. I’m taking this opportunity.
Other than Comicon, I’ve got a ton of discharge paperwork to do this weekend. I had my last family session today. We went over my wellness plan. The wellness plan goes over things like how I plan to eat well, keep balance in my life, sleep appropriately, exercise in a healthful way, my triggers, signs of relapse, how my support system can help me, and so forth. It’s extensive. (Like 10 typed pages?)
I met with my dietician and went over my discharge meal plan. I had to make a week’s meal plan with 21 different meals and 21 snacks (3 meals and 3 snacks a day) and it had to be reviewed and approved by my dietician.
I also met with my psychiatrist and he changed my anxiety med. Hopefully this one works better for me. My doctor also prescribed a new medication to prevent migraines.
So much change is happening.
Right now, my insurance has approved me through tomorrow. My team wants me to stay one more week, so I’ll find out tomorrow whether that’ll be approved. I’m ok with either outcome.
On the one hand, I’m exhausted. The last 2 months have been productive and so helpful, but HARD. If I’m not approved for more time, I’ll be ok stepping down to EIOP.
One the other, more time would be helpful, and I recognize that. I will gladly stay if given the time. Luckily, eiop has already been approved, so I won’t be leaving treatment altogether, I’ll still have support. If I can do eiop for a while, whether that’s a few weeks or a few months, I think I can really, finally, do recovery.
I’m in a good place of mind most of the time. I know the transition will be hard, but I have confidence I can do it despite the difficulty.
I didn’t bring my bag today because I was just coming in for a meeting. I didn’t bring my books or my therapy homework. I didn’t bring my phone charger. I just came in for a meeting.
However, I stayed for program. I still havr today and tomorrow approved, so I’m going to get a better wrap-up to treatment than leaving quietly without a word. I’ll have more resources, and someone to help me figure out my meal plan. Plus, I can step down to eiop instead of quitting cold turkey.
I feel weird being back, but I know this is best.