Today is the birthday of a friend. The first birthday since she died.
She died in September. She died when her heart stopped.
She was bulimic.
We were roommates.
Tears keep coming, but I won’t let myself cry.
I miss you.
Your death reminds me of my own mortality. It scares me. Especially after my visit to the ER. This makes me feel selfish because I feel like I should be thinking of you today, but I keep thinking of myself.
I can’t go on facebook right now. All our mutual friends are posting pictures and birthday wishes. I can’t see them, it hurts too much. I can’t look at your face.
I can’t think of how you died, and I don’t want to be reminded of what I’m doing to myself. I feel like I’m letting you down. We went to treatment together and we were going to fight this together, but now you’re gone and I am still struggling.
My cheeks are wet. My throat is tight.
Tomorrow I can forget.