I failed twice over

This comic has nothing to do with this post.

I planned to fast today. I did, until dinner. Then, my parents insisted on buying me dinner and watching me eat it. I couldn’t think of a good excuse not to, since I’m “recovered”. So I ate it, then purged.

I had planned not to purge during the 3 weeks until I go back to see my surgeon about how my nose is healing, but that obviously didn’t happen. So not only did I eat today, I purged. But I couldn’t eat on a fasting day and NOT purge.

All I can think of is how I’ve doubly failed. I am twice the failure.

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Good morning, George how are you? I hope you’re feeling fine.

I got up at 6am to binge and purge. An hour and a half later and I’m still going strong.

I cried myself to sleep missing my sister. I woke up crying and grumpy and just out of sorts. I guess my solution was to binge and purge until I’m numb. I’m not numb yet.

Bubble burst

Well, it’s happened. My weight is up today. No food for me.

Groceries

I did my first grocery shopping trip in…I don’t even know how long. Not shopping for binge/purge food, but shopping for a menu, shopping for meals and snacks.

I hated it. I panicked. I cried. I loathed that food in my basket.

But I did it.

The feeling of hating food, just hating food in general, has lingered. Right now, I don’t want to make breakfast. I don’t want to pack food to take for the weekend. I don’t want to follow my meal plan. But I DO want to recovery, and I know that I can’t do that without trusting my dietician and without following the meal plan. So I’m going to try to do all of those things.

I can’t believe I have all this food in the house. Last night I just wanted to binge and purge on all of it. Yet, I didn’t.

And now I shall get ready for the day, and I will eat.

 

Done

I left treatment last night. Now I feel lost and sad and overwhelmed and unsure what direction I want to go. I’m making breakfast, but I don’t know if I’ll do 3 meals and 3 snacks. I kind of really want to restrict.

Never not sick

I’ve been some form of sick for over a month now.

Yesterday, when I woke up after my drunk escapades, my throat was raw and and I had a cough and my chest hurt. Everything hurt. Just walking from the living room to the bathroom was an ordeal.

Today I slept until after 4pm. My throat hurts more than yesterday, still coughing, have a fever, my chest still hurts and my ears are hurting. Luckily, the general body pain has decreased significantly.

I just want to stop being sick. -___-

At least I can’t eat.

Feelings

No one will love you

You did what??

So guess who went on an impromptu date tonight?

I met a guy a few days ago and we’ve been talking via email, phone, and text. Then, this evening around 7pm, he asks if I want to go get dinner.

I almost said no, but something in me really wanted to go. I hadn’t showered today, so I said yes, and hopped in the shower.

I was freaking out beforehand. Like all out panic attack. Eating. With a near stranger. And I had no idea where we were getting dinner.

However, I really enjoyed myself.

That’s not to say it wasn’t hard to eat dinner, or that I didn’t have a lot of ED-related thoughts, but I did have fun.

This also means I ate 3 meals today. Not quite as much as my meal plan would have me eat, but still, 3 meals.

I’m struggling right now with wanting to purge, even though it’s been a bit since dinner. I’m really overwhelmed with the amount of food I’ve consumed today.

I’m going to go off and distract myself now.

I hate you, food

I hate my meal plan.

I made a pact with a friend that neither of us would binge and purge today.

I had a small bowl of cereal, 3 slices of cheese, and a small bowl of vegetable soup today.

I managed to keep down the cereal and cheese. It was hard, but I did it!

I couldn’t keep the soup down.

However, today was a huge improvement over the last couple days.

I’m not sure I’m up to a repeat performance tomorrow.