I was just informed I start PHP tomorrow morning. I’m having a mild freak out.
I’m hopeful. Hopeful that php will be helpful and that I’ll be able to do what I need to do for recovery. But everything about doing PHP is scaring the shit out of me right now. And it’s all so very little notice.
I went to the store this morning. I bought food.
A lot of food.
The whole time I was shopping, I had this horrible feeling of impending doom. A nagging feeling that I shouldn’t be spending this money on all this food.
Or any food.
I bought a combination of normal food and binge food. More regular food than binge food.
I went to the checkout and stood in line unable to hide the shame of being a fat person buying food.
I avoided eye contact and I rushed out of the store as quickly as possible.
When I got home, I thought about posting that I finally did something with my money, and that I chose the selfish option.
After a few minutes, it occurred to me that I equate buying food for myself with being selfish. Eating is the ultimate selfish act.
I am a selfish person, and I consistently waste food on a person who doesn’t deserve to eat.
Instead of using my money to buy gifts for my now two friends who just had babies, instead of getting something for my newly engaged friend, instead of buying anything for any number of people, I spent that money on myself.
Because I am selfish.
I have no food in the house. I’m almost out of all my meds. I have no Internet and no TV, and phone only for a few more days.
At least I have my bike…
a2eternity 