Tag Archives: disordered thinking



20150126_235725-1I can eat the cookies if I take the pills.

The way a disordered brain twists things


Me: So, my fever I’ve had for 3 days finally came down without meds, but I’m still so dizzy
My friend: Well fever leaving or getting better is a sign your infection/whatever it is, is disappearing. Your system has some fight in it.

This is a good thing. I should be happy that my body can fight off illness. But when she said that, all I could think was, “Oh, great, clearly I’m eating too much. If I was eating the ‘right’ amount, my body wouldn’t have any fight in. I need to stop eating.”

Eating Disordered Skeleton


Imagine, if you will, a skeleton. It could be male or female, but for this example, I’ll use female pronouns.

Picture this skeleton as she reaches her bone hand up to her face. She runs a finger along her cheekbone. She traces her jaw. She moves her hand down to where her throat should be, detailing each vertebrae.

She sighs.

She raises her other hand and follows her collar bones, one with each hand. She crosses her right hand over to feel the left collar bone. She slowly lowers both hands, feeling each rib carefully.

She wraps her hands around her waist…her spine. She rubs her hip bones. She pays close attention to how they jut away from her body. She wraps a hand around her femur.

Tears well up in her hollow eyes.

She extends her leg and flexes her toes. Even her toes are too fat. She circles the fingers of her right hand around her left wrist, noting the feel of her wrist bones. She slides her fingers up her arm.

Her arms are still too fat. Everything is still too fat.

Tears start to fall, landing softly on collarbones and ribs.

She walks outside, broken, yet determined. She picks up a rock about the size of her bony fist. She takes it back inside.

Sitting on her bed, she takes the rock and scrapes it back and forth against her leg.

If I can just grind down the bone, I can be thinner. If I can reach marrow, maybe I will be thin enough.