Did I mention I am in treatment against my will at this point?
Right now, I’m completely dependent upon my parents financially, so they have a lot of power over my life. They gave teamed up with my counselor and gave me an ultimatum, basically “stay in treatment or else”.
So, here I am in treatment. All of last week, I felt like I was in prison. Like I was being held in this program against my will and it made me really resent the program and my counselor.
However, I’m starting to have a change of heart. If I’m going to be here, which for now I am, I might as well make the most of it. I may not have the fire to recover I did before, but I am at least going to try to get what I can out of the program while I can. Which, I guess, means meeting with the dietician, who I’ve been avoiding like the plague. Eating. Trying to keep it down. Maybe even trying to follow the meal plan again.
It all sounds terrifying when I type it out, but I’m going to try.
I did my first grocery shopping trip in…I don’t even know how long. Not shopping for binge/purge food, but shopping for a menu, shopping for meals and snacks.
I hated it. I panicked. I cried. I loathed that food in my basket.
But I did it.
The feeling of hating food, just hating food in general, has lingered. Right now, I don’t want to make breakfast. I don’t want to pack food to take for the weekend. I don’t want to follow my meal plan. But I DO want to recovery, and I know that I can’t do that without trusting my dietician and without following the meal plan. So I’m going to try to do all of those things.
I can’t believe I have all this food in the house. Last night I just wanted to binge and purge on all of it. Yet, I didn’t.
And now I shall get ready for the day, and I will eat.
This week has been HARD. I have had food challenges every day, passes every day, shrimp, super hard sessions, and more.
After my ridiculously hard solo dinner pass Wednesday, I came home and binged, then freaked out and exercised until I physically couldn’t anymore.
Probably because of that, and exercising hard yesterday, my fibromyalgia had flared up badly this morning upon waking. I almost didn’t go into program, I was in so much pain.
While meeting with my dietician today, she told me my team thinks I may need more time. As it is now, my discharge date is the 19th — 8 weeks after I entered the program. I’m exhausted. I just want to be done with it. However, I trust my team and I’ll stay longer if they end up deciding I need to.
I have a long (mental) list of foods I dislike but have never actually tried. This week, I have to try one of those every day. Today, it was shrimp.
I have discovered that I do NOT dislike shrimp. I fucking hate shrimp.
The problem with trying new foods in treatment is that if you hate it, you still have to finish it. Not only do I hate shrimp, eating it made me physically gag and nearly vomit on the table.
I could have just not eaten it and boosted, but that would have meant going down a level and I finally made it to level 3 (the top level at my treatment center).
On my thought log for wrap-up, I put that my post-meal intention is to write hate letters to shrimp. Also that I want to stab shrimp in the face.
I told my dietician today that I think my meal plan is too high.
She asked what made me think that. I said it just feels like too much food.
She asked what I perceive my weight to be doing since admitting. I said it’s gone up a lot.
She said it’s actually gone down.
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. This isn’t bad news, but it felt like a lie. Or surely their scale is broken?
There’s a bizarre feeling when what you knew to be true turns out to be false.
If only this made eating meals and snacks easier.
This is how I feel without my scale.
The other day, I actually cried when I saw the space my scale used to occupy.
This morning after I didn’t go to the doctor, therefore didn’t get to know my current weight, I decided I needed me scale back.
I emailed my counselor, telling her this.
She responded, “I didn’t have the chance to see you today and I’m out until Tuesday. Make sure to talk to [nutritionist] about this, and I’d like to talk to you about it, too. I know it’s really difficult once you give that thing up…hang in there.”
I don’t want to hang in there, and I don’t want to wait until Tuesday to get my scale back. I am frustrated.