So, I’ve been purging again. I managed to go two and a half weeks while letting my mouth heal. However, it doesn’t seem to be healing very quickly, and I couldn’t hold out anymore. Let me tell you, purging with 4 gaping holes in your mouth is pretty painful. Don’t do it. (I should make a list of all the hypocritical advice I give out.)
I was given $50. At first I was excited. Now, I just feel anxious. I’ve had it for a few days and still have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes, I want to spend it on registration for some 5k races. Other times, I want to use it to buy groceries, like a responsible, non-disordered adult should do. Still other times I want to buy ALL the binge food, or order something to binge on like Chinese or pizza. Lastly, I sometimes want to use it to buy things I need or want.
I’ve filled up my cart on Amazon about 6 times with different items, getting to the final check out screen, but unable to actually submit the order. I’ve thought a dozen times of asking for a ride to the grocery store. I’ve filled out the registration information for 3 or 4 different races I want to do in the next couple months.
I never commit to any of them.
I feel like I’m sitting on a treasure with no clue what I’m supposed to do with it.
I look at my scale and rush to buy diet pills and laxatives.
I try to study, feel overwhelmed, and almost pick up the phone to order food.
I look at other people eating normal meals and feel guilty that I currently have crackers, Boca patties, and yogurt in my house. Is this recovery? No, buy normal food.
I feel bored and think of various games or books I want to buy.
Why can’t I just pick something?
Then I feel guilty for being so selfish. Maybe I should use the money to buy a gift for my friend who just had a baby. Maybe I should help out my sister, who’s moving several hours away from her home. Maybe I should do something sweet for my parents. Maybe I should buy something special for my kitty.
I look at my balance. I close the app on my phone. A few hours later, I check it again, no closer to a decision.
I’ve never had trouble spending money.
I love to shop. Plus, I can always think of something bulimia-related that I “need”. Why the difference this time?
I’ve gained almost 6 pounds this week. How??
I workout at least 3 hours a days, some days more, yesterday 6. I purge everything I eat, I use laxatives and diet pills, and still, I gain. I am seriously at a loss.
I’m terrified that when I start PHP, with not purging, taking anything, and not exercising, that I’m going to balloon up. I keep crying, even though I’m trying not to think about it.
I hate this body. I wish I could slice it off and crawl out of it. It’s stupid, and doesn’t understand science, apparently. I give up on it.
I’m going to go use my bike.
I got up today, did my two-hour workout, came out to the living area, and had a sudden realization: I haven’t taken my medications in at least a week! Crap.
I looked around for them (I keep them all together in a drawstring bag) and couldn’t find them. “Fine,” I thought, “I’ll at least take my diet pills.” The diet pills were sitting on the shelf by the sofa, I noticed. I grabbed them and downed several.
Then, I immediately ate a couple bowls of cereal, which I purged. Which means I purged (and wasted) those diet pills.
This is exactly why I never take my meds. I never seem to find a time where I can take them and keep them down.
So yeah, now my precious diet pills are in the sewer system and my stomach hurts from purging and I’m nauseous from the excessive amount of laxatives I took after purging, and now I’m going to go eat something else. >_<
I keep repeating to myself, “Just one more week, just one more week.”
It’s not exactly a week, it’s more like a week and a half, but that just sounds like too long. So I keep telling myself just to hang on for a week. I can do a week. I can do it.
Yesterday morning, I went to get my x-rays. The x-ray technician was pleasant and funny, so that was nice.
Afterward, I came home and took a nap. Then, my dad and I went to Pizza Hut for their lunch buffet. My dad really likes their buffet. I tried a couple bites of a few things, but I wasn’t impressed. I ate a salad. I do like salad. Then I came home and purged, took laxatives and diet pills, and exercised. Then I took another nap.
In the afternoon, I went to the laundromat and washed clothes. I passed out at one point and hit something, shaving the skin off the knuckle of my right hand.
When I got home from laundry, I was really sick and weak, so I lay down again and slept for a few hours. I had planned to sleep for the night because I was just over the day and not feeling well. However, around 9pm, my mom called me saying she bought me dinner.
I was not a happy bunny. I hate being surprised with food. I feel guilty if I don’t eat it and I feel guilty if I do.
So, I ate it. It made me REALLY sick and I couldn’t finish it. I purged it, naturally.
After my new normal routine of purging, laxatives, diet pills, and working out, I watched So You Think You Can Dance, then went to bed for the night. Thankfully, I slept really well.
Today has been pretty low key. I ate and purged some cereal (apparently my restricting is over) and took my pills. Soon I’ll be going over to my brothers’ for the weekend, and I’m meeting a friend in the morning for breakfast.
Apparently, when I take diet pills that have the caffeine equivalent of 6 cups of coffee, I can’t sleep.
I didn’t get ANY sleep last night.