Diet Day 3

It’s Day 3, so 250 calories. Today for lunch, I’m going to eat a salad. The salad dressing and cheese will bring me right up to 250 calories.

This morning in therapy we did a chain analysis on my restricting. I started crying when we figured out that that I’m restricting because, since I can’t purge right now, the calories scare me and I just can’t handle them right now. I think I cried because of how much calories are scaring me right now. I just can’t do them. It’s too overwhelming. My therapist recognized that and didn’t make me commit to eating more. She did give me skills to use if I felt like I could handle trying to eat. We’ll see. Right now I just can’t.

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Diary Cards

 

This is the front and back of the diary cards I use with my DBT therapist. The front goes over urges I have for things I’m struggling with, things like cutting, binging and purging, and not eating, as well as emotions that I have, both positive and negative, and finally which urges I actually act on. The last column deals with whether I thought of using any skills, tried to use them, and whether they were effective.

On the backside, it lists ALL the DBT skills and I just mark off which skills I used that day. So far I know the skills in the first section labeled “Core Mindfulness”. The next module we’re going into I think is Distress Tolerance, so I’ll be learning those next. That’s a 6 week module.

I am supposed to fill it out each day, so I set an alarm on my phone to remember, because otherwise I don’t.

 

DBT Skills Group Week 2: The Rest of Core Mindfulness

 

I’m a little late posting this week’s DBT skills. This week we went over the rest of the Core Mindfulness module and learned about Observing, Describing, Participating, Nonjudgmentalness, One-Mindfulness, and Effectiveness. Yeah, we went over a lot of skills this week. And we have to practice ALL of them this week. That’s our homework. It’s a little overwhelming. However, they’re all good skills, so I’m trying to remember to practice them.

Learning to Live in my Wise Mind

I have a tendency to live in my “Emotion Mind”. Impulsive, emotion=fact, difficult to see logic. I may not seem like it from my writing, and maybe I do. How do I know I live there? I live in my eating disorder and I don’t question it. I hear it say “don’t eat” and I don’t. I hear it say “binge and purge” and I do. I hear it say “you are fat and disgusting” and I believe it. I hear it say “you are worthless” and I know it’s true.

What my DBT group has been working on the last couple weeks is living mindfully, or living in your Wise Mind, the melding of your logical brain and your emotional brain. The area where you make wise decisions, using both reason and emotion, living intuitively. It’s difficult. I am learning, though.

Today, I was living in my Emotion Mind when I didn’t eat dinner. However, I was able to tap into my Wise Mind for a brief moment when I didn’t take laxatives also. I used a technique called effectiveness. I was able to think about what my goal was (babysitting tomorrow without being sick) and think about what was effective for bringing about that outcome. I also used a pro con list of being effective and not, and the combination helped me to tap into that Wise Mind to make a wise choice to not take laxatives. At least for tonight.

New Therapist and a New Nose

I saw my new therapist this morning. It was hard. Every time you see a new therapist, you have to retell your life story. I definitely had a cry fest in her office. We also went over all my “behaviors” and came up with a plan of action to try to help me get better, which is what I so want. I’m just scared A) to do the work needed to do it, and B) scared to change. This week, I’m supposed to work on asking for help before I engage in behaviors, which I’m terrible at. I hate asking or help. I’m bad at it and I hate doing it and it’s hard and it hurts me physically. But that’s what my therapist wants me to work on this week.

After I met with my therapist, I went to see my surgeon, who cut stitches in my nose and took out the splints I had in my nostrils. That was painful! However, I can breathe!! My nose is straight and smooth and WORKS! I can chew my salad and BREATHE. I can take a drink of water and BREATHE! It’s amazing!! Who knew this was so cool?? My nose is still in a lot of pain. And I need to keep spraying it with the saline every hour for the next 3 weeks until I go back to see the surgeon again. My goal is to not purge during those 3 weeks. I have no idea how well this plan is going to work, but that’s the goal nonetheless.

DBT Skills Group Week 1: Wise Mind and Mindfulness

Weekly Diary Card

This is what we went over today, after going over all the group rules and standard do’s and don’ts of being in a psychiatric setting such as keeping information about the other patients private, and not having sexual relationships with one another.

The first picture is the weekly diary card we use for our group. We have to go through each day and mark with skills we used that day. We also have to mark how many times we used the card. Ideally, they want you using the card each day, but you can technically use it once a week. Then we went through what mindfulness and the Wise Mind are. On Mindfulness Handout 3, you can see a diagram of the Emotion Mind Trap. That’s basically when it’s raining (you’re full of emotion) and there’s a trap door in the well that leads to the Wise Mind and the emotion gathers on top of the trap door and you mistake the rain water for the well water, confusing your emotion for your Wise Mind.

Mindfulness Handout 3A has different ways to practice mindfulness that helps bring you to your Wise Mind. The homework (Mindfulness Worksheets 1 & 3) asks you to make a pro/con for practicing mindfulness and not practicing mindfulness, and to pick some of the different ways to practice mindfulness and to practice them.

One of the simplest mindfulness exercises I know is the one where you breathe in and focus on “Wise” and breathe out and focus on “Mind,” so I did that one for a few minutes earlier.

I find mindfulness very helpful, yet I almost never remember to do it. Especially when I need it most. I’m hoping having a couple weeks focusing on mindfulness will help me get better at it.

In which I carved a pumpkin

After 3 nights of sleeping in the recliner in the living room to keep my head elevated, I got the ok from my surgeon to sleep in my bed last night. It was both better and worse than the recliner. My body was more comfortable. My nose less. I also can’t breathe through my nose at the moment due to the swelling and it being full of mucus and God only knows what else, so I kept waking up with my throat all dry and sore. I did, however, get more sleep than I got on the recliner. Or better sleep at least.

I woke up feeling pretty good. I took advantage of it and carved my pumpkin that’s been sitting around. It’s a kitty inside a witch’s hat.

Then, around noon, my youngest brother called. His car was dead and asked if we could come jump him so he could go to a job interview. While we were out, we grabbed some groceries and prescriptions I had waiting. By the time we finished, I had crashed. My energy was nil and my pain was through the roof.

I’ve gone gluten-free again at my rheumatologist’s suggestion. It messes with my head. All I see are excuses not to eat and my eating disorder loves it.

I meet with my new DBT therapist tomorrow (nervous). I then go over and get the splints taken out of my nose (YAY). Hopefully after that, I can start blowing my nose again. Tomorrow afternoon, I have my first (2 hour!) DBT skills group. It’s going to be a long day and I’m still not feeling that great and still using norco to get through the pain. I honestly expected to be fully recovered by now. I clearly didn’t have a good expectation of what recovery from a septoplasty is like.

Surprise Busy Day

I went to the hospital this morning to spend time with my dad. He had surgery yesterday. It went well. He has another surgery tomorrow. After the surgeries heal, he’ll need skin grafts. He’ll be in the hospital at least through early next week.

This afternoon, I had a follow up appointment with the ENT (ear, nose, throat doctor). My ENT is in the same hospital my dad is in, which was convenient, because I was planning to just walk over to my appointment, then go back and spend time with my dad after my appointment was finished.

However, during my appointment, my ENT decided I need surgery to correct my severely deviated septum. The surgery is next Friday, the 23rd. He sent me off to get an EKG, chest x-rays, and blood work for the surgery. That took a few hours (because hospital) and by the time I finished, I needed to leave, so I didn’t get to spend more time with my dad.

My fibromyalgia is flaring up very badly right now. I’m in so much pain.

Tomorrow, I have more DBT.

Starting New Treatment

Tomorrow is the first day of my orientation for my year-long DBT program. I’m so excited, but also very nervous. I am hopeful it will be helpful. I also am unsure what to expect. Plus, I’ll be doing this program with the same people for a year, so here’s hoping we all get along well.

I meet with my therapist before the orientation, and then have orientation, then I’m going over to my brother’s for the remainder of the day to work on my Magic: the Gathering Commander deck and play a little Magic.

On the agenda for today: pack. Did I mention I’m moving? I just have no idea where to yet.

I got in!

A while ago I wrote that I was trying to get into a year-long DBT program through the mental health clinic where I’m seen. Well, I just found out I was accepted into the program! I’m relieved, and a little anxious. But mostly relieved. I really think this will be good for me.