Remember how I threw out ALL my food? Yeah, well, I wanted to binge and purge, so I took food out of the trash and ate it. Because, you know, bulimia makes you do crazy things like eating food out of your trash can. I should have sabotaged it, like pouring soap over it or something so it was inedible. I did sabotage the rest of it afterward, but by then I had already binged and purged on a bunch of food from my trash. There’s nothing like eating food from your trash can to make you feel really crazy and desperate.
I think my fibromyalgia meds are messing with my head. This medication is also a depression med, and I don’t always react well to those. The last couple weeks since being on it have been hard mentally and emotionally. I’m back to the extreme self-loathing I was having a few months ago when I was on it before. Back to wanting to peal my skin off. Back trying to stab myself.
Last night, I hadn’t slept in a couple nights and I was really struggling. I started wondering about taking rat poison. Not to “harm” myself, exactly, but to make myself sick and unable to eat. I googled what rat poison does when ingested and I looked it up on Amazon to find the price.
I was so close to buying some. So close.
I also tried (for probably the 20th time) to find a place to buy tapeworm eggs online. I still can’t find anything, unless I go to Mexico. *sigh*
I see my doctor on Thursday. I plan to let her know that I think this med is bad for me. I’ll update you after.
And now for today’s manicure: