Tag Archives: desire

Oh, to be tragic

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I love the flavor text on this card. (The last sentence, that’s in italics.) 

Someone I was in residential with four years ago is in the hospital right now with a feeding tube. 

I know it’s stupid and petty and wrong, but I am jealous. 

I miss my anorexic days. I miss fasting and  restricting and not binging and purging. I keep telling myself I’m going to stop eating altogether, this is one of my greatest wishes, but I can’t seem to follow through. 

I love the idea of never again placing food in my mouth. The idea of total abstinence from food. It calls to me. I find it alluring. And yet, I cannot attain. 

I hate myself for my own weakness. 

I loathe myself for my inability to refuse. 

I revile the food I find within me. 

Yet I eat. 

And eat. 

Eat. 

Purge. 

Laxatives. 

Exercise. 

Caffeine. 

Eat. 

Pass out from exhaustion. 

It is never enough. 

I am never enough. 

I will never be enough unless I can cease to consume. 

I will find the answer. I swear it to myself. It may take months or years, but I will do it. I will discover the secret to existing without food. I will find the strength to abstain. 

I will conquer my body’s misguided need for sustenance.