New Psychiatrist: Post-Visit Thoughts

I saw the new psychiatrist today. I didn’t click with him like I did my last psychiatrist, but I don’t hate him either. He up my medication dosage, which I’m so relieved about. Hopefully I start to feel more like me again soon. He also wants me back in eating disorder treatment at the Eating Recovery Center and is going to talk to my therapist about it.

He put me on “monitored meds” because of my frequent overdoses. Instead of getting a month’s supply I only get two weeks at a time. If they feel like I can’t handle that, it goes down to a week at a time.

So overall, I feel conflicted about the outcome of my visit today. I’m not pleased about having my medications monitored. I’m also not sure I want to go back into eating disorder treatment.

In other news, my friend’s grandmother is dying. I am trying to comfort her, but I know there’s not much I can really do for her, which is hard. I want to help.

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Good morning, George how are you? I hope you’re feeling fine.

I got up at 6am to binge and purge. An hour and a half later and I’m still going strong.

I cried myself to sleep missing my sister. I woke up crying and grumpy and just out of sorts. I guess my solution was to binge and purge until I’m numb. I’m not numb yet.

Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

I came across this video completely be accident while surfing youtube ASL videos. It left me sobbing. It makes me think of my sister, who died 3 years ago. Words cannot describe how hard it is to lose a sister, especially one who is a best friend.

Your own worst enemy

I was having a conversation with the boy about how my disordered thoughts have been getting worse lately. Then I showed him this picture. It’s the lock screen on my phone. A reminder of how disgusting I am, just in case I were to forget.

He told me that I am my own worst enemy.

I said I know. I just don’t know how to change that.

Right now, my hands are stinging. In an extra effort to ensure I remember not to eat, I cut all over both hands, assuming I can’t eat without seeing them and being reminded how undeserving of food I am.

Today was also my late sister’s birthday. I worked hard to ignore it. However, despite my best efforts, I felt suicidal and self-destructive all day.

It’s getting harder to hang on. A friend’s father committed suicide today. I felt like a total ass for being jealous.

I’m trying to at least get past the holidays.  I know they’re hard enough for my family after losing my sister. I’m trying, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep going.

I spent New Year’s Eve in the ER last year, I’m trying not to repeat that. Plus, my mom’s birthday is in a few days.

People say that those who commit suicide are selfish. Suicidal people almost always think of their families and friends. Each day, each moment is, “Can I hold on for now, for them? Can I keep going? Can I do this to spare them the pain?” But I know that sooner or later, the answer will be no. I can’t do this, I can’t hang on any more. I’ve lost too much footing and I’m about to fall and be swallowed up by it.

Because I am my own worst enemy…and I don’t know how to destroy myself and remain intact. One of these days, one of us has to go. And if one of me dies, we both die.

But I’m Scared…

All I can see are they.

The blue veins of life…of death…

I have the blade in my hand, ready.

But I am scared.

I want to, but I can’t bring myself to.

The finality.

Tonight, I am afraid of the finality of it.

Other times, I long for that.

I crave it. I need it.

But tonight, I am scared.

Grief

The 3 year anniversary of my sister’s death is on Tuesday.

Three years and I still don’t know how to get past it.

I still can’t think of her without falling apart. I still don’t know how to deal with the pain. I still hate this time of year. The anniversary of her death, Thanksgiving, Christmas, her birthday.

I decided to go online and look for a grief workbook.

I couldn’t even do that without crying.

I feel so stuck. And broken.

A moment of sheer terror

I think my cat had a seizure. I was so scared I cried. I’m so worried for her. She’s my life and my baby. I can’t afford to take her to the vet. I feel like sucj a bad pet mother. I’m snuggling her, terrified she’s dying and there’s nothing I can do for her. 

Grieving

I keep thinking about you, and that makes me sad, which makes me pedal faster. 

Faster. 

Faster. 

I miss you, and I feel selfish

Today is the birthday of a friend. The first birthday since she died.

She died in September. She died when her heart stopped.

She was bulimic.

We were roommates.

Tears keep coming, but I won’t let myself cry.

I miss you.

Your death reminds me of my own mortality. It scares me. Especially after my visit to the ER. This makes me feel selfish because I feel like I should be thinking of you today, but I keep thinking of myself.

I can’t go on facebook right now. All our mutual friends are posting pictures and birthday wishes. I can’t see them, it hurts too much. I can’t look at your face.

I can’t think of how you died, and I don’t want to be reminded of what I’m doing to myself. I feel like I’m letting you down. We went to treatment together and we were going to fight this together, but now you’re gone and I am still struggling.

My cheeks are wet. My throat is tight.

Tomorrow I can forget.

Mortality Rates

“Mortality Rates:

Although eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder,  the mortality rates reported on those who suffer from eating disorders can vary considerably between studies and sources. Part of the reason why there is a large variance in the reported number of deaths caused by eating disorders is because those who suffer from an eating disorder may ultimately die of heart failure, organ failure, malnutrition or suicide. Often, the medical complications of death are reported instead of the eating disorder that  compromised a person’s health.

According to a study done by colleagues at the American Journal of Psychiatry (2009), crude mortality rates were:

• 4% for anorexia nervosa

• 3.9%  for bulimia nervosa

• 5.2% for eating disorder not otherwise specified”

(http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/)

It frustrates me when people act like (or outright say) that anorexia is either the only dangerous eating disorder, or is the most dangerous. EDNOS is by far the most dangerous by every estimate I’ve seen.

The thing with anorexia is that malnutrition is pretty easy to link to the eating disorder. Things like heart failure or internal bleeding from bulimia are a lot harder to link to it, unless the coroner is informed that the patient had an eating disorder, and then is still often not put as the cause of death.

While there is no definitive number of eating disorder-related deaths, all eating disorders are dangerous. Never assume that because you or a loved-one doesn’t have anorexia that you are “safe” or in less danger. You may actually be at higher risk.