How Adorable?

I finally finished my niece’s scarf, so I have a complete set. A toddler-sized hat and scarf each for my 18 month old niece and nephew. I can’t wait until they’re back from visiting my brother-in-law’s family so I can try them on the twins!

I was supposed to meet with my therapist today, but she called out sick this morning. I was out most of the day anyway running errands.

Today I had frozen yogurt. The last time I had it, I cried. I did a lot better this time, even though I did go and work out directly after eating it. I don’t know why certain foods freak me out more than others.

Someone has been showing interest in me the last few days and it’s been scaring me. I don’t know how to handle the romantic interest he’s showing. I just want to push him away, but a little part of me wants to be ok with it so I haven’t told him to back off. Plus, I just don’t know how to respond. I think part of me is scared to make him mad by saying no. I know that’s probably not a good thing, but it’s true.

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Why I Don’t Like Being in a Relationship

Being in a romantic relationship always sounds nice to me in theory. However, whenever I find myself in one, I don’t enjoy it that much. And it’s completely my own fault. In 2014, I was in relationships with 3 guys. I dated more than that. I am not a casual dater, but when I signed up for an online dating service at the end of 2013, I found myself meeting and dating a lot of people, and liking some of them.

I, however, am terrible in relationships. When I get into a relationship, I start to doubt myself. I start to pick at my appearance. I start to worry about my quirks. I start to wonder whether someone can actually love me. I start to analyze every date, every word, every period of silence. I worry that not responding to a text or facebook message is because they’re tired of me, I’ve done something wrong, I’ve angered them, I hurt them, I…I…I…

It really doesn’t matter how sweet and kind and understanding the guy is. I self-sabotage every relationship. I am not the person who gets dumped, because I always freak out and end relationships. And, of course, dumping people always makes me feel like a terrible person because then I feel like I’m leaving a string of broken hearts in my wake, which makes me even more reluctant to get into another relationship.

All this to say, I was NOT looking to get into another relationship, especially not with “the boy”. We began dating 5 years ago, dated for a year and a half, then I broke it off. About a year after that, we got back together, dated for a year, and then, again, I broke it off.

Early last year, we started talking again. We always gravitate to one another. We were best friends, and I destroyed that, twice, when we broke up. Life isn’t a sitcom where you can conveniently keep all your exes as friends. Hearts get broken and things get awkward and feelings get hurt and it doesn’t work. At least, not at first.

And yet, we always end up talking again. We date other people, we “move on”, and then we end up back together. The truth is, I never stopped loving him. I have loved him for 5 years. Unfortunately, we have different goals for our lives, different core beliefs, and many obstacles that make me worry that it can’t last, which is one reason I keep ending it. Despite my “best efforts” to ruin my dating life, I truly do want to be married and have a family and have someone to grow old with.

So we started talking again. Just short conversations here and there. A birthday card, a quick catching up, and so forth. He was clear, he “couldn’t do this again”, meaning he couldn’t be in a romantic relationship with me again. I had broken his heart twice and he wouldn’t let me in to do that again. But he did.

I don’t know when exactly it happened. I’m not even sure how it happened. Gradually, over time.

Before long he was sending me flowers and using terms of endearment. We took a trip together at the end of November. However, he won’t call us an item. He’ll sleep with me, but he won’t call me his girlfriend. And that refusal to commit, which I understand, worries me. It feeds into my self-doubt and my fears.

Then, when I have situations like the last couple days where he is not in communication with me at all, I fear the worst. Not that he is in trouble, but that i have done something. I have been too clingy. I have been smothering. I have said or done something wrong. I freak out. My anxiety goes through the roof and my behaviors get worse and I know, I just KNOW I’ve messed things up again.

Turns out, he was just really, really sick and hasn’t been up to talking.

When, at the beginning of December, I was incredibly sick and didn’t talk to him for the whole weekend, I didn’t think anything of it. Yet, when he does the same, I go out of my mind with worry over what I have done to make him keep silent.

I am not good in relationships.

Of dating and anxiety

I find dating to be exhausting.

I’ve mentioned before how casual dating just isn’t for me. I don’t enjoy it and it saps all my energy.

I haven’t exactly been dating lately, but I’ve been spending a lot of my time with someone. We play video games together and just talk. I could see it becoming something.

And yet, part of me hopes it doesn’t.

I’m exhausted. I’ve been off my meds for a few months now and my body is constantly weary and in pain. Add in my new business (which I’m loving) and school (which is overwhelming me merely by existing) and a something-relationship and I just am tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I’m also scared to be honest. I know he will eventually see my scars and cuts. I know he will eventually discover my neuroses. I know I will eventually be too troubled, too much, too far gone, too hard to handle, too confusing, too needy, too depressed, too…too…too…

Earlier, we were chatting on gtalk (or hangouts, I guess it’s called now) and he send me a youtube video that shows how the special effects department made it look like someone’s fingers had been cut off. The video starts with bloody, severed fingers. I quickly closed it and told him I couldn’t watch it. He explained that he normally doesn’t like things that are gory, but the process was really interesting, and it doesn’t seem gory anymore after you know the process.

I was pretty sure I knew the process (I did) but I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and watch it. I had to stop when they started to cut the fake fingers with scissors. I couldn’t explain to him why it bothered me so much. I couldn’t tell him about having wanted to cut off my own fingers just a few month ago. I can’t tell him how much I loathe this body I am stuck in and how I so often have to fight myself just to NOT mutilate it.

In other mostly unrelated news, I was supposed to do the NEDA walk in my town this morning. Supposed to.

I had worked and worked to raise money and I had looked forward to doing this for months. Then, this morning, I woke up, and I couldn’t do it. I had the most terrible anxiety. Pure panic. I cried, I was so frustrated. I wanted to go, but at the same time, I was terrified. I couldn’t will myself out of bed. I turned my alarm off and cried myself to sleep.

The one bright note of my day, I have nice nails…

Rejecting Christ

I’m going to start out with this: GAahhhHHHH!

I am swearing off dating. At least, I’m swearing off dating Christian guys. For now.

I was told today that I’m rejecting Christ, rejecting the Bible, and am not “entitled” to understand the Bible because I don’t believe that it’s biblically required for a woman to change her name when she marries. I wish this were a one-time occurrence, that this was just a particularly extreme case. It’s not.

I’m tired of being told that I either don’t understand, or am not capable of understanding, the Bible. I’m tired of being told that I’m a heathen, a Jezebel, ungodly, not-Christlike, or not really a Christian because of this one single point. I was also told today that I need to stop reading feminism books and start reading the Bible.

I’m just going to point this out right now: NOWHERE in the Bible does it say a woman should, or must, change her name at marriage. In fact, in biblical times, people didn’t have last names. On top of that, women have only been changing their names for about the last thousand years. Just because it’s a tradition doesn’t mean the Bible dictates it. Stop interpreting the Bible through the lens of your own culture and biases instead of in the context in which it was written.

Also, I don’t identify myself as a feminist, but if I did, that’s also not unbiblical. And to imply that I don’t read the Bible? Seriously?

I’m just over it. I think I’m going to take a break from dating. This is just too aggravating.

What do you like to do in your free time?

Read
Sew
Watch TV
Research
Learn new skills
Climb walls like Spiderman
Archery
Camping
Cooking
Host parties

These are all examples of ways you could answer this question. Me? “Uhh….eat…and then throw up?”

Last year, before my relapse, I signed up for a dating site on a whim, and then accidentally paid for a whole year (because, you know, who reads the fine print?).

I don’t ever go on the site, but once in a while, someone will start talking to me. I get this question a lot. Every time, I think I should just be honest so they can get scared and run away instead of feeling hurt by someone who’s not interested in them.

I was thinking about this today because I’m home alone, which I’ve mentioned doesn’t happen very often. And not just for a few hours either, but for the whole day. My first thought in these situations is always to binge and purge. I start planning it out. What I will eat, in what order. How long this or that takes to cook/bake, so when I need to start it and what I can eat while I’m waiting for it to finish. It’s pretty ridiculous.