Canceled

I was supposed to have physical therapy this morning. Their office called me this morning and said my therapist had a family emergency and had to cancel.

Just now the eating disorder clinic called and said they’re cancelling program tonight because of the snow.

My stomach turned when I heard this. It was a hard weekend and I have been looking forward to being back in the safety of treatment. Yes, treatment is HARD, but it is also safe. Now I’m left doing it all on my own, still. I haven’t eaten today because I ate 100% of my meal plan yesterday and that was ridiculous hard and overwhelming and I just can’t cope with more food right now. I don’t know whether I will eat dinner or not. I was supposed to have dinner at treatment, so I was already planning to eat, but now I feel like I have options. Right now I just want to take a nap and forget about the world.

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Waiting for the next step

I’m supposed to start PHP on Monday, but I haven’t heard back on whether my insurance has approved my treatment. I haven’t heard back from the business office about whether I can stay in their apartments. I am basically just waiting for the next step.

And it’s killing me.

My anxiety is through the roof. The waiting. The not knowing. The anticipation.

So I’ve been coping the most effective ways I know how: laxatives and binging and purging. Unfortunately, the laxatives meant I got hardly any sleep last night, so now I’m exhausted on top of everything else. It’s a terrible cycle.

Coping

Yesterday, as you may know, was US Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is hard for people with eating disorders, and it was hard for me.

Don’t get me wrong, there were many things I enjoyed. Seeing my family. Playing with my niece and nephew. Playing board games together. Sitting around and talking together.

But there were things that were hard. The large amounts of food. Eating in front of a large group of people. Listening to my sisters and brother-in-law talk about their diets and weight loss efforts. Feeling watched and judged while I ate. Feeling absolutely stuck.

I didn’t purge yesterday, but I did use a boat load of laxatives yesterday and again today.

This morning I ate 3 pieces of pie for breakfast, followed by a handful of laxatives.