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Life with body dysmorphic disorder


“Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a disorder that is characterized by a distressing or impairing preoccupation with slight or imagined defect(s) in one’s physical appearance.” (NBCI)

One of the hardest parts, in my opinion, of living with BDD is having no clue what I look like to others. Or any clue what like look like period.

I see myself in the mirror, and I see a distorted image, like looking at a funhouse mirror.

Another problem I have is that it’s not consistent. Sometimes, the mirror changes.

The last couple days, my stomach has looked like it’s grown 6 or 7 times its normal hideous size. It looks like looking at myself through the fisheye effect on a camera. A strange, huge, distorted bulge where my stomach should be.

My first thought, naturally, was that I’ve gained a ton of weight. The scale says I haven’t. I weighed myself repeatedly just to check. Yet still, my stomach looks gargantuan and deformed.

It’s not just when looking in the mirror. When I look down at my stomach, it’s the same thing. It’s aggravating and terrifying. It’s confusing. It’s disorienting. It’s maddening.

┬áToday’s manicure: