Tag Archives: clinic

A safe place and a trigger

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Last night was day 3. Dinner was hard and I barely finished, eating my last bite right as time was called. Right after dinner was art therapy. We start art with a visual check-in. We have 3 minutes to draw how we are feeling. I was overwhelmed from dinner, so I drew a sad, crying face surrounded by a bright pink circle that represented my anxiety that was enveloping me.

The art teacher suggested that for my first night in art therapy I try creating a safe place. A place I could imagine and go back to when I was feeling overwhelmed. I decided to work with colored pencil and chalk pastels and made the above image. I chose fields because I feel calmest when I am out in nature. I chose a solid tree because they make me feel safe to be under. I put a swing on the tree because swinging makes me feel relaxed. I put mountains in the distance because I love to look at the mountains. I didn’t have time to give the sky color, but I like the way my picture turned out. And in the process of making my safe place, much of the sadness, overwhelmingness, and anxiety left me and I was much more calm for the next group.

I’m also taking a college course right now. I’m taking a prerequisite for the nursing course I want to get into: Human Nutrition. This class is fascination, and triggering as hell. One project I’m working on right now is a diet analysis. I have to track my food intake over a number of days using their diet tracker software and it automatically tracks the nutrients I am consuming, including my calories, vitamins, and minerals. I am not supposed to be tracking calories while I’m in treatment, and I find this software very triggering. I find myself wanting to not follow my meal plan because I have to submit my diet analysis to my teacher and I don’t want her to see me eating all this food. I see the calories listed in the breakfast I just ate and I want to go vomit. I really need to talk to my team about how to handle this because it’s been really hard on me.

Day 2

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Yesterday I met with my psychiatrist. I was apprehensive going in. I didn’t have a good experience with the psychiatrist I was assigned through the mental health clinic I attend, so I was worried how my appointment would go. I was pleasantly surprised. He was friendly, he didn’t talk down to me or seem to have pre-judged what conditions I had and try to make me fit into those diagnoses regardless of whether they fit me or not. He was attentive and listened, asked a lot of questions, and really seemed to care.

After I met with the psychiatrist, it was time for dinner. Dinner was very hard last night, and I was only able to complete about 60% of it. I tried really hard, though.

During our first group after dinner, we made collages with pastels to represent a moment in time in the last 24 hours where we felt intense emotion. We had to think of the moment and then circle on an emotions list all the emotions we were feeling. Then, using the pastels, we had to assign each emotion a color, and represent them on the paper however we felt best represented the moment.

I made the above collage. I started in the center with the emotions I feel are at the core of me and then worked out to the emotions I feel are more at the surface. The emotions are as follows, starting from the center and working out:

  • Worthless
  • Inadequate
  • Ashamed
  • Vulnerable
  • Overwhelmed
  • Apprehensive
  • Upset
  • Anxious

The moment in time that I picked was right after I finished dinner.

Tonight we have art and then family group. I invited several people from my family but I don’t think anyone is coming. I’m looking forward to more art.

Sinking in Doubt

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Now that I start treatment in just a couple days, that old familiar doubt is starting to creep in. The doubt that says, maybe I really am not sick enough for treatment. Maybe I don’t have an eating disorder at all. Maybe I’m making this all up. Maybe it’s all in my head. What if I get there and they tell me I really don’t have bulimia? What if they tell me I’m not sick enough for their program? What if? Maybe… … … …

Doubt is sinking in…

Disappointment & Frustration

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I just got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They wouldn’t authorize the partial hospitalization program that my team and the eating disorder clinic wanted me in. They only authorized the evening intensive outpatient program, which is 4 nights a week.

I’m frustrated and disappointed. I know the EIOP can be helpful, and I will try to make it so, but I really feel like I need the PHP right now.

I go in Monday at 1pm. Normally I’ll be going in at 4:45pm-9pm, Monday-Thursday.

Waiting for the next step

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I’m supposed to start PHP on Monday, but I haven’t heard back on whether my insurance has approved my treatment. I haven’t heard back from the business office about whether I can stay in their apartments. I am basically just waiting for the next step.

And it’s killing me.

My anxiety is through the roof. The waiting. The not knowing. The anticipation.

So I’ve been coping the most effective ways I know how: laxatives and binging and purging. Unfortunately, the laxatives meant I got hardly any sleep last night, so now I’m exhausted on top of everything else. It’s a terrible cycle.

Admissions update

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Almost as soon as I submitted my last post, I got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They are recommending partial hospitalization (their highest level of care) and want me to stay in their apartments for added support. They want me to start next week. They’re waiting to hear back from my insurance to make sure I’m approved for treatment.

I’m so relieved. I’m so nervous. I’m definitely overwhelmed.

I hope my insurance cooperates. I hate that they have the power to refuse my treatment against what the professionals recommend.

My goals for this week are to just get through with my sanity, try not to think about treatment too much, and lose a little weight before I have to start work on being healthy.

Phone calls and shit

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I worked up the nerve to call the eating disorder clinic. I got their voice mail. I left a message. Hours later, I got a call back. However, my phone rang once and before I could answer, they hung up! I immediately called back, but again I just got their voice mail. I left another message. I haven’t heard back from them since.

Just as I was hanging up the last time, I shat myself. Damn laxatives. I haven’t even taken any today. I’m really trying to stop taking them. However, it’s causing me so much anxiety, I don’t know how long I’m going to last. It’s sad when, even after soiling myself, I’d rather take the laxatives because I don’t know how to deal with not taking them. I need to get into this eating disorder program. Why won’t they call me back? Tomorrow it will have been a week since we met. How long does it take to decide whether or not to let someone do your program?

A mostly uneventful day

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I had physical therapy this morning. PT means I leave with my legs like jelly. I called for my ride to pick me up and realized my legs weren’t working the way they were supposed to as I tried to walk out of the hospital. Still, I went to the store afterward. I slowly walked into the store and picked up my prescription for my fibromyalgia and a spiral-bound notebook to take notes for my classes that start on Thursday.

By the time I got home, my legs were so stiff and sore that any movement was a chore. And thanks to the fibromyalgia, the leg pain soon spread to the rest of my body.  By early afternoon, I needed to lie down because I was in so much pain, so I took a nap.

I didn’t hear from the eating disorder clinic today. I’m hoping tomorrow. The waiting is killing me. I may call tomorrow if I don’t hear anything.

National Western Stock Show

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Today I went to the National Western Stock Show with a friend. It was mostly a lot of fun. The only part that I found not fun was the petting zoo. The petting zoo made me sad. All the animals in the petting zoo were so fat and obviously overfed, it made me sad. I don’t like the exploitation of animals for out enjoyment. But the rest of the stock show was fun. And, even though I didn’t understand a lot of it, we got to watch the judging of several sets of cows. I will be the first to admit that I’m a city girl. It was intriguing to see how people live and make a living that is so different from how I’ve ever lived. I got to watch several cows and bulls being showered. That was interesting. It looked very messy. There was also a great western art exhibit with some great, and some just ok, art. There were hundreds of vendors selling their wares. We didn’t buy anything, except my friend bought a pretzel while we were watching the judging of the cows.

Overall, I enjoyed myself and it was a great distraction from worrying about getting into the eating disorder clinic. The only downside was that I didn’t eat before we left, or while we were there and by the time we left I was starting to feel faint and dizzy. I was glad to leave when we finally did. I don’t regret going, though.

I sent an email

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Since the intake assessor seems unsure whether I am serious about their program, I sent her an email. It was just to let her know that I went to the doctor and got all the tests done that she requested. I’m just hoping to show her that by following up, and by showing I got all the testing done, I really am serious about this. I don’t know if it’ll work, but fingers crossed!