Tag Archives: cheap

Self-imposed Poverty

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poor

A friend posted this image on her Facebook wall of the present she just wrapped.

It made me think of this trend that’s popular right now, to intentionally make or buy things that look cheap.

I like to watch interior design shows, and it amazes me how many times someone will buy furniture pieces that, to me, look like you should be able to get them for $20 or dig them out of a dumpster, but it’s considered trendy.

Growing up, we didn’t have a lot of money. Getting something new that wasn’t a hand-me-down or a used donation was the best feeling in the world.

I don’t understand why you would want to buy things that look like you can’t afford to buy things. I also hate aging furniture. When you’ve never owned a new piece of furniture, and all your pieces are ACTUALLY aged and showing wear and tear, you want things that look new and beautiful.

But apparently when you have the money for things, you want to buy or make pretty furniture look old and used?? I just don’t get it.

Another trend along these lines is with wrapping presents. It’s considered artsy to wrap with brown paper and twine/string. However, when you grew up wrapping presents in paper bags and the Sunday comics, all it says to me is “I couldn’t afford wrapping paper.”

I also know a lot of people like homemade gifts. And while I enjoy making things for others, I’d rather buy presents because I never could afford to, and because there were many years my parents couldn’t afford to buy things for us, so I associate homemade gifts with poverty.

I think it’s interesting how your experiences color the way you view different things like these.

Where is the line?

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He buys me stuff all the time.

Groceries. Gifts. Toiletries. 

Today he got me some gifts. Just now, I stumbled across the receipt. It was a lot of money. 

I feel guilty.  I feel like I’m using him to get things. I feel manipulative. I feel like I’m stealing. I feel like I don’t deserve these things.

I feel cheap. It makes be wonder at which point do I cross the line into prostitution?

It doesn’t help that I hate it. It doesn’t help that I disassociate when he touches me. It doesn’t help that I feel like a doll in his hands, there only to receive him and help him achieve pleasure. It doesn’t help that the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

My anxiety has gotten really bad lately. I don’t go anywhere. I make plans to do things with people, and then cancel.

I feel like I can’t call it off. I feel like I owe him too much, financially. I feel like I owe him my body because of how much he’s paid for and bought me. I don’t think I can ever make up that deficit, so I don’t think I can ever leave.