Bouncing Back

As I sit here, early in the morning, snow covering the world outside, sipping the coffee that is not part of my meal plan, I can’t help but think back to yesterday where everything seemed to go wrong.

The day started out fine. I started out following my meal plan. I started out studying for my test. I drew intestines for school (see below). Then, around 12:30pm, I went over to my sister’s for some sister time and to see my niece and nephew for their second birthday. Only, when I arrived, my sister wasn’t there. She had taken the kids to a late lunch. During the time we had scheduled to get together. So, for an hour and a half, I sat in her empty house, all by myself.

She got back right before I had to leave. I got to say hi to the kids and give them hugs, but then I had to go. No sister time, no play time. Just a passing hello. I was frustrated to say the least. So, to deal with my frustration, I went to Ihop and ordered an omelet and pancakes and ate it all, and then purged. Unfortunately, this started a pattern of binging and purging that lasted the rest of the day.

I did get my test taken, and I got a perfect score, so there was one bright spot in my day yesterday, but mostly I felt terrible and engaged in behaviors and I had to write all those behaviors down and my team is going to know about it and talk to me about it and I don’t want to.

So today, I feel rotten. I feel guilty and ashamed and like shit. I don’t want to follow my meal plan, but I’m going to try. Why? Because when you trip and fall, you don’t just lie there on the ground afterward going “I fell, I guess I’m stuck here.” No, you go, “that hurt, but I’m getting back up now,” and you do, you stand back up and you keep going. So today, I’m going to stand back up and I’m going to keep going. Even though the fall hurt and it’s hard to get back up. Even though I hate my meal plan. I will try to trust it. I will try to follow it.

 

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“What do you want for your birthday?”

I don’t actually ever get asked this because no one buys me birthday presents. But if someone did, and I was being honest, this is what I would want.

• A battery for my scale
• More laxatives
• Effective diet pills
• A loaf of bread, preferably one with Parmesan and garlic baked inside.
• A variety of cheeses to eat with that bread
• ALL the (vegetarian) Chinese food
• Bendy straws
• A cake and some ice cream that no one else knows about
• Time alone to eat (and purge) all this food.
• Not to have to spend any family time feeling awkward about myself and feeling like I’m being watched or judged and not comparing myself to my sisters
• Gift cards for Barnes and Noble so I can get new books on my Nook.

So basically, out of 11 items, one of them is “normal” and healthy. But those are truly what I would ask for if I could be honest.

The saddest day ever

I got up today and went to weigh myself, but every time I tried, my scale displayed “LO” instead, indicating the battery is dying.

I unscrewed the battery door to see if I had any of the batteries it takes, but I don’t. Sad, sad day. I’m rather distraught. I literally have no money right now, so no new battery for me.

If anyone wants to send me a new battery for my birthday (which is on Thursday) I wouldn’t complain. 😉

You need to take your medications every day

I got a call from my doctor this morning. My thyroid is “extremely low” and I was reminded that I need to take my meds every day. Oh, right. I should get on that.

I’ve been having such a hard time taking my meds consistently. I know I need to, and I feel better when I do, I just have a hard time taking them consistently, for multiple reasons.

In other news, I went to my brothers’ on Saturday night. It wasn’t planned like it normally is, they basically just said, hey, wanna come over right now? So I did. We played Phantasy Star Online and drank vodka and talked all night.

I might have had a little too much to drink. I don’t actually remember going to bed. In fact, the last thing I remember from the night is taking a shot around 5am. I don’t remember the next five hours, but I woke up at 10am in bed.

Earlier that night, I fell off the stairs outside their apartment that leads up to the second story. I was sitting on them, talking to my brother and I stood up to go inside (probably for another shot) and I missed a step and fell. The stairs and the path below it are concrete. I scraped up my elbow pretty badly. I also have quite a few bruises. Brilliant on my part.

Yesterday, my family went to the park to celebrate three birthdays. Two of my brothers and I have birthdays all within one week. My mom made a cake and my youngest brother’s girlfriend decorated it. I should have gotten a picture. It looked like a Storm Trooper’s head.

We played several games, board and card, and ate cake. I ate my obligatory piece of birthday cake. That was all I ate yesterday. And still, I had gained weight when I checked this morning. Ugh.

I was supposed to meet with the mental health guy this morning, but I didn’t go. I was very tired from not sleeping much this weekend and also because, as I learned this morning, my thyroid is very low. I also didn’t have a way to get there because I forgot to remind my ride, so I just decided to skip it. We did talk on the phone really quickly, just to check in.

Thursday is my birthday, and Friday my out-of-state friend is coming to visit. I’m excited that I get to see her. When I thought I would be starting PHP this week, I didn’t think I would get to.

I miss you, and I feel selfish

Today is the birthday of a friend. The first birthday since she died.

She died in September. She died when her heart stopped.

She was bulimic.

We were roommates.

Tears keep coming, but I won’t let myself cry.

I miss you.

Your death reminds me of my own mortality. It scares me. Especially after my visit to the ER. This makes me feel selfish because I feel like I should be thinking of you today, but I keep thinking of myself.

I can’t go on facebook right now. All our mutual friends are posting pictures and birthday wishes. I can’t see them, it hurts too much. I can’t look at your face.

I can’t think of how you died, and I don’t want to be reminded of what I’m doing to myself. I feel like I’m letting you down. We went to treatment together and we were going to fight this together, but now you’re gone and I am still struggling.

My cheeks are wet. My throat is tight.

Tomorrow I can forget.

Reaching level 30

In just over a month, I turn 30.

I can’t believe this.

I always thought I would have accomplished certain things by age 30. Graduating college, marrying, having children. Not being bulimic or depressed.

I haven’t accomplished any of that.

In fact, off the top of my head, I can’t tell you a single thing I haveaccomplished.

I don’t have a job and I can’t work. I’m in school, but I’m not doing great because bulimia is kicking my butt right now. I live with my parents again. I don’t even have the energy to set up my exercise bike.

I have never minded getting older. I was never worried about wrinkles or grey hairs. Being asked my age never bothered me.

However, all of a sudden, about 10 minutes ago, it hit me. I will be 30. And for some reason I can’t explain, I am terrified at the prospect.