I saw the new psychiatrist today. I didn’t click with him like I did my last psychiatrist, but I don’t hate him either. He up my medication dosage, which I’m so relieved about. Hopefully I start to feel more like me again soon. He also wants me back in eating disorder treatment at the Eating Recovery Center and is going to talk to my therapist about it.
He put me on “monitored meds” because of my frequent overdoses. Instead of getting a month’s supply I only get two weeks at a time. If they feel like I can’t handle that, it goes down to a week at a time.
So overall, I feel conflicted about the outcome of my visit today. I’m not pleased about having my medications monitored. I’m also not sure I want to go back into eating disorder treatment.
In other news, my friend’s grandmother is dying. I am trying to comfort her, but I know there’s not much I can really do for her, which is hard. I want to help.
I finally get to see a new psychiatrist tomorrow. It’s only been 5 months in the works.
Today during jury duty, they randomly selected and called a bunched of jurors. The rest of us waited in the room for 3 hours until, at 11:30, they told us that the rest of the cases had been settled or dissolved and we were free to go. SO, no jury duty for me beyond this morning!
This means I can go to my psychiatric appointment tomorrow. YAY! I’m nervous because it’s a new person and I’ll probably have to rehash everything again. But I am oh-so-relieved to finally be seeing a psychiatrist.
Tomorrow is the first day of my orientation for my year-long DBT program. I’m so excited, but also very nervous. I am hopeful it will be helpful. I also am unsure what to expect. Plus, I’ll be doing this program with the same people for a year, so here’s hoping we all get along well.
I meet with my therapist before the orientation, and then have orientation, then I’m going over to my brother’s for the remainder of the day to work on my Magic: the Gathering Commander deck and play a little Magic.
On the agenda for today: pack. Did I mention I’m moving? I just have no idea where to yet.
Day #21: Something you are proud of.
I was originally going to say my family, but then I realized I probably am supposed to say something about myself.
So, what am I proud of? For a while I thought “nothing,” but then I realized I am proud of myself for pushing myself when I don’t want to, which I do all the time. For wearing pant when it’s hard. For agreeing to to a year-long DBT program when it scares me. For going out with friends when my anxiety tells me to stay home. For doing house cleaning when I’m in horrible pain. I’m proud of myself for pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.
Day #18: Something that feeds your brain.
Reading. I’m lucky enough to have been born to two avid readers who also loved to read to their children. I practically grew up in libraries. I adore reading and when the apathy and listlessness of my bipolar depression hasn’t taken over to where I can’t get myself to do anything, I read all the time, anything I can get my hands on, both fiction and non-fiction. Right now I’m reading Loving Our Kids on Purpose, The Way They Learn, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and The Secret Garden. (The last two are re-reads.)
A while ago I wrote that I was trying to get into a year-long DBT program through the mental health clinic where I’m seen. Well, I just found out I was accepted into the program! I’m relieved, and a little anxious. But mostly relieved. I really think this will be good for me.
Today I have gone to the laundromat, cleaned everything, packed, baked, eaten, purged, started a scarf, and yet I still feel like I haven’t done anything today. I feel unaccomplished. I feel like I have so much energy and so many ideas and I want to do all of them right now and that’s obviously not feasible and it’s frustrating because no matter how much I get done, I won’t even begin to chip away at the list flying around in my head so it feels negligible. My day is running out and I still have so much to check off that list that I feel frantic to get everything done.
So you may know by now that I have bipolar 2. You may also know that it’s not well controlled because I can’t get in to see a psychiatrist at the mental health clinic where I am seen for…mental health…and I need my meds adjusted.
Lately, I have been listless and apathetic. Completely devoid of any motivation and any desire to do anything. I lost all interest in everything. I couldn’t even knit anymore. I was sleeping 12 hours at night and taking naps during the day and was still tired all the time.
Then, yesterday, it happened. Like flipping a light switch. I had energy!! I had motivation! I was determined to get. shit. done. I cleaned the whole house yesterday. (Yes, before the planned binge and purge that I wrote about.) I felt so accomplished! I went to bed at my normal time last night, but didn’t sleep. NO! My mind raced around and round. My legs wouldn’t hold still. I was still a bundle of energy. After trying for 3 hours to sleep, I got up and filled out paperwork for the ENT I’m seeing today. Then I ate ice cream and purged that. Then I went back to bed. I didn’t try to sleep, though. I just lay there and used my phone and watched Netflix until sometime early in the morning.
I woke up at 6am ready to start the day! I want to do stuff! I want to pack. I want to clean. I want to bake! I want to knit 15 scarves! My body almost aches with energy!
Day #6: A note to your future You.
Dear future me,
I really don’t know what to say to you. I want to like you, to love you, but I’m not there yet. Maybe that’s what I’ll say. I hope that I love you. I hope that I like you. I hope we’ve made peace. I hope you are happy. I hope you are content with yourself. I hope you have found a good rhythm in recovery and are doing well with it. I hope you aren’t struggling still. I hope you’ve found the right balance with your exercise. I hope you feel ok. I know you’ll still have to deal with your diagnoses, but I hope right now in the future, you’re feeling well. I hope you have peace of mind. I hope you’re happy.
Below are the questions I received, in the order I received them. I will answer them all!
- Who inspires you the most in your life? (jackloveswriting)
- My dad. He has faced a lot of opposition in his life but he just keeps going and working hard. He’s never quit and never given up.
- You are stranded alone on an island with a single box. What is in that box? (ananonymousoutsider)
- Does the island have wifi, because that might affect my decision. I’m assuming the island has no electricity, so I’m bringing some of my favorite books, books I can reread without getting bored. I would also bring a large journal and pens so I can write. My Bible and a highlighter. A tarp for shelter. Rope, because it’s handy for a lot of things. A pocket knife, for the same reason as the rope. And a life straw, just in case the water isn’t safe.
- Hi i am new to this site and I was wondering how do you use hashtags? Im not sure if I tagged my post right. (mhudss)
- As far as I know, you don’t use hashtags on WordPress (maybe I’m missing out?) but you can tag your post.
- If you scroll down while making a post, on the right, it says “Tags”. Type your tags, separated by a comma. Then, hit “Add”. That’s it! You’ve tagged your post!
- What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? (cavellemartin)
- Salted caramel is my favorite guilty pleasure.
- What is your zodiac sign? (Deanne)
- Cancer. That’s all I know about it. When I was in treatment, there were girls there who could tell you how it was supposed to affect your personality and decision making. All I know is I’m a cancer, and only because I looked it up once as a teen.
- Favorite book of all time? This does not rule out children’s books. The one book in all your life, that you can say is your fave. (threekidsandi)
- The Hobbit. I read it probably once a year. I have a hardbound, annotated copy that is beautiful.
- What color socks are you wearing? (KatieComeBack)
- When I got this question, I was wearing light blue socks with penguins on them. Now I’m wearing fuzzy red and white striped socks.
- 1,000?!?! That is phenomenal!! What is your secret to that?? How did you achieve that many followers?? (The Sound of Ed’s Voice)
And can I have some?? LOL (KatieComeBack)
Question 1: Why do you think you have so many followers? (Bracken5)
- First, yeah sure, you can have some! I’m not stingy! Second, I’ll say, I’m not entirely certain how I got 1,000 followers, but if I had to guess, I would say it has something to do with my morning routine.
- Each morning I go to my reader and I go through my list of tags (above you can see some of the tags I follow) and I read all the new posts in each tag category. I then like or comment on them. Comments are rare. If you get a comment on your blog post, feel honored because I rarely post comments. Comments make me anxious. But that’s a whole other blog post. By reading and reaching out to the blogging community, it’s only natural that some portion of them would be interested in who is reading their blog posts and would visit my site in turn. Then, a portion of those would be interested enough in my site to follow it. So basically, read a hell of a lot of blog posts (and like or comment on them) and you too can have a lot of followers. (This is just a theory, it may not work for you.)
- What’s the silliest thing you’ve done alone in your house on days you feel good – dance around, do cartwheels? Heehee (Faith)
- Now I wish I had done really silly things so I could tell about them. I admit, I don’t really do many silly things. Stupid, yes, but not silly. And my place is too small for cartwheels, you would give yourself a concussion trying by spinning into a wall.
- A cup of tea + a good book makes me happy. Your turn. What makes you happy? (Ameena k.g)
- An electric blanket, a mug of cocoa, snow, and a Christmas movie. It doesn’t matter the time of year. (It’s snowed in July here.)
- If you didn’t blog about eating disorders what would you write about?! (ambivalencegirl)
- I would probably focus more on what life is like living with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis and bipolar disorder. As I become more recovery focused (fingers crossed) I may shift in that direction.
- If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you travel? (Lady CAS)
- Germany, Austria, Ireland, and Scotland
I hope you enjoyed that. Thank you for submitting your questions!