Tag Archives: binge and purge

Waiting for the next step

Standard

I’m supposed to start PHP on Monday, but I haven’t heard back on whether my insurance has approved my treatment. I haven’t heard back from the business office about whether I can stay in their apartments. I am basically just waiting for the next step.

And it’s killing me.

My anxiety is through the roof. The waiting. The not knowing. The anticipation.

So I’ve been coping the most effective ways I know how: laxatives and binging and purging. Unfortunately, the laxatives meant I got hardly any sleep last night, so now I’m exhausted on top of everything else. It’s a terrible cycle.

It starts today

Standard

fastdiet

I’m starting this today, so I’m fasting today.

I don’t know what “MONO” means so I’ll just make something up that day.

I like having different targets each day, it makes life more interesting. And doing something like this should help keep me accountable and hopefully reduce the binging and purging. At least, it always has in the past. I don’t expect to “fix” anything “fast,” it’s just for my peace of mind.

I’d love to stay and talk but it’s almost 8 o’clock and I haven’t got the time

Standard

After binging and purging for a couple hours, I decided today needed a do-over, and I went back to bed and slept for two more hours. I woke up less teary and less grumpy and less wanting to binge and purge, and more wanting to knit and play video games simultaneously (hard).

I might run errands this afternoon. I need to pick up my half-functioning bipolar medication at least. I am working on a couple knitting projects that I will probably work on today.

I also got a call from my rheumatologist. She said it sounds like the rashes on my hands are from my immune deficiencies and that there’s not much they can do about them, but she wants to see them in person, so there’s that.

I also left the pro-ana Facebook group. I feel good about that. Relieved, I think.

So while today started on a bad note, it’s looking up and hopefully it’ll end up being productive and positive.

Good morning, George how are you? I hope you’re feeling fine.

Standard

I got up at 6am to binge and purge. An hour and a half later and I’m still going strong.

I cried myself to sleep missing my sister. I woke up crying and grumpy and just out of sorts. I guess my solution was to binge and purge until I’m numb. I’m not numb yet.

The planning of a binge

Standard

Sometimes, binges happen unexpectedly. I suddenly feel the need to eat and then I just don’t stop.

Other times, they are planned. I want to binge. I plan it out. I plan what I will binge on and when I will binge. Tonight is one of those planned binges. I wanted to binge and purge, felt the need to binge and purge, so I planned one. I went on Pizza Hut’s website and ordered food. A lot of food. Now I am waiting for it. Calmly. Serenely. I will do what I need to do and then I will get rid of it, and I will feel good about it. Because I chose to do it instead of doing it frantically or out of control. I am in control this time. I win.

Shame

Standard


One thing that many people don’t know about bulimia is the shame that is often associated with it. Shame ate the amounts of food consumed, shame at vomiting food, shame at “wasting” food, shame from laxative “accidents”, etc, etc, etc.

I haven’t felt that “bulimia shame” so strongly in a while as I did yesterday.

Normally, I am the one who does the laundry, at the laundromat, for the whole house. However, since I’ve had a fever of 102 and above for a few days, my parents went to do the laundry instead. I found myself in a unique situation: I was home alone. Naturally, I did what any good bulimic would do, I decided to binge and purge.

Who cares I was home with a fever? Who cares I was “supposed” to be out doing laundry? Who cares I had a terrible migraine? This was an opportunity that shouldn’t be wasted!

To further add to the shame, I ordered food with money I don’t have (as in it’s been budgeted for bills). Not only that, but my parents know I’m broke, so the whole time I was waiting for it to arrive and while eating it, I was terrified they would come home and find I had ordered food.

I ordered my food and waiting anxiously. I then answered the door in my shame, hoping the delivery guy couldn’t see it oozing from my skin. I then ate quickly, trying to get everything eaten before I could be discovered.

Unfortunately, I ordered more food than I could eat, which meant I had to go purge partway through. I covered my remaining food, and went to purge. The whole time I was vomiting, I kept thinking about that remaining food, about what I’d done, about how I would explain it if I was caught.

When I finished, I went back to my room to finish. The first thing I noticed was the smell of the food. Oh, great. Even if I finished, my room still smelled like that food. Even with the window open and fan going. You’d think I would have invested in air freshener, but I don’t have any.

I sat down to finish my food, eating methodically, only half-aware of what I was putting in my mouth. I watched Parks and Recreations on Netflix while I ate to help myself zone out even further. I finished my food, purged again, hid the evidence, and prayed the smell would dissipate before my parents got home.

By the time I finished both purge sessions and downing the obligatory laxatives, my migraine was pounding and it felt like my brain was frantically trying to escape my skull. I lay there in bed, pain in my head and pain in my stomach, filled with the shame of my actions, still feverish, and zoned out until I fell asleep.

Fever and hospital threats

Standard

I set my alarm for 8:00am today. I needed to leave by 8:30 to make it to my appointment at the mental health center. I had so much trouble waking up this morning, and with hitting my snooze button, I finally crawled out of bed at 8:26am. I threw on a dress, pulled my hair back, and ran (walked slowly) out to the car.

I was a little late to the appointment, but not excessively. The appointment was painfully long. (It really just felt long, it wasn’t longer than normal.) I did end up telling him about how not-well I’ve been doing. He suggested/threatened calling an ambulance right then. I was able to talk my way out of that. I’m not sure if that was the wisest choice, but I’ll talk about that in another post.

When I got home, I was absolutely wiped an very dizzy. I thought to check my temperature and it was 102.4. Well, there’s your problem. I think I was also very dehydrated. So, I drank some water and went to bed. I slept for a couple hours, got up, binged and purged, and went back to bed.

Now, I am resting and chatting with my family. One of my brothers is over. He made his own board game and my dad asked him to bring it over so we can play it. It’s a fun game. They got pizza. Yay….

So, now I shall spend time with my family. I’m looking forward to it. Not the pizza part, but enjoying the company of my family.

Oh, and I still haven’t heard from the ED clinic. I called again today. The mental health guy said he’ll also call them. Hopefully I hear something soon.

Worry

Standard

I don’t know what to do if my insurance again refuses to cover treatment. Maybe I will just never eat again. I don’t want to go back to binging and purging. After almost a week without it, and basically without food, the thought of going back sounds exhausting

So…much…stress…

Standard

I am STRESSED!

I had counseling today. It was not fun.
We touched on some very hard things from my past and I spent a good portion of the time cycling between tears, freaking out, and disassociating.

I also found out that my insurance has only approved treatment through the end of the week.

Dinner was very hard. I DID finish, though! No boost today!

Our nutrition group was really hard. I don’t really know how to explain why, but we were all slightly freaking out by the end. Some of us more than slightly.

Also, she announced that next week, we’ll be going to a restaurant for dinner. I’m not terribly excited about that.

My nutritionist wants me to eat more, she reminded me. So I grabbed some groceries on the way home. Hopefully I can do it tomorrow.

I have every intention to binge and purge tonight. I need to de-stress, and it seemed like a better idea than this:

Anyway, I need this week to count, because it may be my last.

 

I hate you, food

Standard

I hate my meal plan.

I made a pact with a friend that neither of us would binge and purge today.

I had a small bowl of cereal, 3 slices of cheese, and a small bowl of vegetable soup today.

I managed to keep down the cereal and cheese. It was hard, but I did it!

I couldn’t keep the soup down.

However, today was a huge improvement over the last couple days.

I’m not sure I’m up to a repeat performance tomorrow.