I drew Kyle

Tonight we had art. I love art, it’s a great chance to process through things. Tonight, I got the idea to try to put a face to my eating disorder. This is what I came up with. It’s a grotesque, oozing, green monster with tendrils that go into my brain and body because it’s trying to control me. However, it has this antenna that has this beautiful butterfly hanging from it. I call the butterfly the beautiful lies my eating disorder tells me. All the things it claims to offer, the safety is seems to hold, the reasons I keep it around. All I can see are those lies hanging in front of my face, I don’t see the ugly monster on my back literally pushing me down (thus why the person is prone). The person is naked because my eating disorder tries to keep me in shame.

I named my eating disorder Kyle. The name is completely arbitrary, it just felt good to give the monster a name.

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LoveMe Challenge, Day 26

Day #26: What makes you feel beautiful?

Having my nails done. It’s literally the only thing that makes me feel pretty (I can’t say anything makes me feel beautiful).

LoveMe Challenge, Day 9

 

Day #9: Share something beautiful

One of the most beautiful things to me is the reflection of lights on the streets and sidewalks during or after a rain.

 

Busy, busy

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been super busy.

What have I been doing, you ask? Well, I’ve been studying for another Praxis exam. I took that on Thursday afternoon…and I passed! I’m so relieved.

I’ve also been working! A lot!

Remember when I mentioned that I had exciting news coming in a couple weeks? Well, it’s time!

I’ve been selling Jamberry! I’ve been anxiously awaiting having the money to get started because I fell in love with these wraps during a friend’s party. I’ve been selling them this week and it’s been going really well. I love this business, this product, and getting paid to have beautiful nails and host parties. This is right up my alley! Join me in my excitement! (I’m going to shamelessly plug my business now.)

What is Jamberry?
Well, let me tell you!
Jamberry wraps are high quality vinyl wraps for your fingernails and toenails. They are easy to apply, durable, and beautiful.

Normally, I’m very hard on my nail. I love to paint my nails and have them look nice, but I can spend so much time on painting and decorating them, only to have them chip an peal the next day, even with base and top coat. However, when I wear my Jamberry wraps, they last! I wore my last wraps for 16 days and they still looked great! I only took them off because I wanted to change things up!

What does a sheet of nail wraps get you? One sheet gets you at least 2 manicures and 2 pedicures. The wraps last up to 2 weeks on hands and up to 4-6 weeks on toes and are incredibly durable! That’s $3.75 apiece. And if you do the buy 3 get 1 free deal it’s only $11.25 per sheet and $2.81 per manicure or pedicure!! How much does a quality manicure or pedicure cost you at a salon?

I can also make custom wraps! Here are some that people asked me for this week.

Oh, to be pretty

I’ve never once been beautiful

This is what I would look like if I were in an anime. I’m pretty sure Miyazaki used my picture as his model for the Witch of the Waste.

I am huge and the fat just rolls all over my body. If I were brave enough, I would post a picture of myself and shock everyone when they see how ridiculously fat I actually am.

 

Dying for beauty

http://hyperallergic.com/133571/fatal-victorian-fashion-and-the-allure-of-the-poison-garment/

I feel like not a lot has changed. We just pick different ways to destroy ourselves for fashion and beauty.

You’re not skinny, you’re beautiful!

I hope I’m not alone in recognizing the ridiculousness of that statement. “You’re not skinny, you’re beautiful!” I would certainly hope no one would say that. And yet, fat women get, “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!” ALL. THE. TIME.

I have a female friend who is fat. That’s not an insult, it just is. She knows she is, we’ve talked about weight before and her dissatisfaction with her weight. She’s not under any delusions that she is actually a thin person.

Last night, she sent me a message asking me to help her come up with a name for a new blog she wants to start. She has decided to lose weight and wants to chronicle the journey. I was excited for her. Not because she wants to lose weight, but because she has decided to do something for herself, for the right reasons, and in a healthy way. And she wants to invite others along for that journey.

I do not believe that fat/overweight/obese people are culturally or socially obligated to lose weight. I have come across the notion that they are, however, many a time. I do not believe that anyone is obligated to lose weight for anyone other than themself. If they want to lose weight (in a healthy way for healthy reasons), more power to them! If they are content at their weight and with their lifestyle, again, awesome! We don’t actually get to choose who has the right to be happy with who they are, contrary to what so many seem to think.

So, in the past, while my friend would express body dissatisfaction, she also was not motivated to make the changes to alter that (whether by adopting self-acceptance or by attempting to lose weight). (Please note, I’m not trying to imply that either option is easy or simple.) Again, unlike many think, you cannot cause someone to be motivated when they aren’t. You can encourage, you can inform, you can teach, but you cannot make another become motivated. Shaming won’t do it. Threatening won’t do it. One can only find motivation within oneself.

Now that my friend has found that motivation for herself, I was keen to encourage her in any way that I can. However, I’m terrible with naming things. I offered a few feeble suggestions, but we both acknowledged my shortcoming in this area, with a giggle.

Today, I asked her if she had decided on a name yet. She hadn’t. We had this conversation:

Her: No… What about Chasing Freedom…? Or Fat Girl No More? Haha
Me: I like the first better. The second might get you more followers. It’s much clearer what the point of the blog is.
Her: Haha true. But whenever I call myself “Fat girl”, even though it is NOT an insult to myself, my friends get mad. Haha So maybe not.
Me: I hate when people respond with things like, “You’re not fat, you’re gorgeous!” First of all, why can one not be both? And second, if I’m legitimately fat, why is it an insult to call myself fat, unless I’m doing so in a disparaging way?
Her: Exactly!

Seriously, why can’t you be both beautiful AND fat? Why do people act like they are mutually exclusive? You can be thin and beautiful, but apparently you can only be fat OR beautiful. And if you are actually, legitimately fat, it’s SO FRUSTRATING to have someone tell you you’re not fat. I’ve been there. It would be like me telling a woman, “You’re not a woman, you’re beautiful!” You don’t need to deny one fact about an individual in order to tell someone they are beautiful.

So please, stop telling people, “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!”

You’re not helping.

To my brothers and sisters suffering from an eating disorder

I call you brother and sister because we are on this painful, misunderstood, stereotyped, mysterious journey together. Though we have never met, though we don’t agree or believe the same on everything, though our stories are different, at this moment in time, we understand each other like so few do, like so few can.

And you, you right there, you are beautiful.

I was struck by this truth as I read the blog of a fellow sufferer. There is a beauty in you that comes from the pain, that comes from struggling each day, each meal, each minute, and continuing to continue. There is beauty in your strength. There is beauty in your vulnerability. There is beauty in your struggle, and beauty in your resilience.

That includes you.

I wish me telling you this could make you see your own beauty, could make you understand that you need to stop abusing yourself in your own mind. I know it won’t. But know that I believe it’s true for you.

This includes every parent, friend, bully, significant other, stranger, and everyone in between. It also includes the voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough.

You are beautiful. Try to mull that over for a bit. Not only that, you are strong. You are so much stronger than you realize. You are here, you are reading this, and that means you’ve overcome every obstacle in your life so far, and you’re still here. You may not have the best coping mechanisms, you may not know or see your strength, but you are strong just for surviving. And you are worth it. You are worth being on this earth. You are worth that food. You are worth the air you breathe and the space you take up. You are also worth recovery, and I hope that if you don’t see that you, someday you will.

Thank you for being here. When your head tells you you’re not worth it, or that you shouldn’t be here, remember that I am so grateful that you are here. Keep existing. ❤

A Day of Gifts

Last week, I found a fellow blogger offering to send out free bracelets, and I took her up on the offer. My bracelet came in the mail today!

This was definitely the best mail I’ve received in a long time.

Also, this evening when my brother got home from work, he surprised me with flowers! It made me cry. Aren’t they beautiful?