Tag Archives: bdd

Why I love my Jamberry

Standard

10899558_764404296972064_1891180604_n

Last night I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother where two characters were signing prenups and one of the stipulations was that the woman had to pay money to the man for every pound she gained. I looked down at my monstrosity of a body, downed a ton of laxatives, and went to bed.

I woke up today seriously dehydrated and with a massive migraine. It’s just now going away (at almost 5am, so it technically started yesterday) and I am feeling restless after spending all day in bed, so I decided to do my nails.

I finished and sat admiring them. Having my nails look nice is the single thing I like about my appearance. It’s the one thing that makes me feel pretty.

If you could see inside my head, you would know it’s not a pretty place. I never think well of myself. But when I look at my nails, always pretty, feel pretty. For that brief moment, I’m not the ogre, the troll, the gelatinous monster, I am feminine and pretty and have worth and value.

I know these are stupid reasons to love a product, but they are real. And I know my worth shouldn’t be in whether I have pretty nails, but, sadly, it is. And it’s probably the BDD talking, and I get that, but it doesn’t change the truth of my feelings to me.

When I see my pretty nails, for a moment, I transform in my own mind from the beast to a princess.

Life with body dysmorphic disorder

Standard

“Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a disorder that is characterized by a distressing or impairing preoccupation with slight or imagined defect(s) in one’s physical appearance.” (NBCI)

One of the hardest parts, in my opinion, of living with BDD is having no clue what I look like to others. Or any clue what like look like period.

I see myself in the mirror, and I see a distorted image, like looking at a funhouse mirror.

Another problem I have is that it’s not consistent. Sometimes, the mirror changes.

The last couple days, my stomach has looked like it’s grown 6 or 7 times its normal hideous size. It looks like looking at myself through the fisheye effect on a camera. A strange, huge, distorted bulge where my stomach should be.

My first thought, naturally, was that I’ve gained a ton of weight. The scale says I haven’t. I weighed myself repeatedly just to check. Yet still, my stomach looks gargantuan and deformed.

It’s not just when looking in the mirror. When I look down at my stomach, it’s the same thing. It’s aggravating and terrifying. It’s confusing. It’s disorienting. It’s maddening.

 Today’s manicure:
e977bab94b62ef25b17cc8f17a4ff34e