Today I have gone to the laundromat, cleaned everything, packed, baked, eaten, purged, started a scarf, and yet I still feel like I haven’t done anything today. I feel unaccomplished. I feel like I have so much energy and so many ideas and I want to do all of them right now and that’s obviously not feasible and it’s frustrating because no matter how much I get done, I won’t even begin to chip away at the list flying around in my head so it feels negligible. My day is running out and I still have so much to check off that list that I feel frantic to get everything done.
So you may know by now that I have bipolar 2. You may also know that it’s not well controlled because I can’t get in to see a psychiatrist at the mental health clinic where I am seen for…mental health…and I need my meds adjusted.
Lately, I have been listless and apathetic. Completely devoid of any motivation and any desire to do anything. I lost all interest in everything. I couldn’t even knit anymore. I was sleeping 12 hours at night and taking naps during the day and was still tired all the time.
Then, yesterday, it happened. Like flipping a light switch. I had energy!! I had motivation! I was determined to get. shit. done. I cleaned the whole house yesterday. (Yes, before the planned binge and purge that I wrote about.) I felt so accomplished! I went to bed at my normal time last night, but didn’t sleep. NO! My mind raced around and round. My legs wouldn’t hold still. I was still a bundle of energy. After trying for 3 hours to sleep, I got up and filled out paperwork for the ENT I’m seeing today. Then I ate ice cream and purged that. Then I went back to bed. I didn’t try to sleep, though. I just lay there and used my phone and watched Netflix until sometime early in the morning.
I woke up at 6am ready to start the day! I want to do stuff! I want to pack. I want to clean. I want to bake! I want to knit 15 scarves! My body almost aches with energy!
My brother came into the kitchen last night.
Brother, with a weird look on his face: “What are you doing?”
Me: Baking cookies.
Brother: At one in the morning?
Yes. This week has been very productive. Not only with school and cutting my hair and taking showers, but last night I decided to bake.
My dad has been asking for snickerdoodles for a while now. I hate them, so usually when I’m in the mood to bake (which is rarely) I bake something I would want to eat. However, last night I decided to make some for him. And oatmeal cookies for my mom.
Yeah, I was up at 1am baking 2 different kinds of cookies.
I noticed last night after my brother mentioned the oddness of it that this is a pattern for me. Not baking cookies specifically, but having cycles of bad depression and cycles of energy and productivity.
I’ve never paid that much attention before. Hopefully this cycle of energy lasts a while so I can make good progress on school.
When I went to bed last night, I was physically exhausted from everything I had done yesterday, but I felt very accomplished. Then, I finished reading a book and played Tomodachi Life until around 5am. I woke up at 8am for a bit, then got up for the day at 10am.
I have mixed feelings about being up so early. (I laughed to myself at calling 10am early.) On the one hand, I like to be up, on the other hand, being up means the potential of eating.