Disordered Reunion

Most awkward reunion ever!

Last night was the reunion of the people I was in treatment with earlier this year.

We were all both excited and incredibly nervous. When people started to arrive, there was a period of awkward conversation mingled with equally awkward silence, and a lot of sizing each other up and comparing.

Then, we ate! Oh, yeah!

The lady who was hosting it at her home initiated it, and then we all felt obligated. You could feel the tension in the air as we each, for the first time in many months, ate around each other. And unlike when we were in treatment, we weren’t all required to eat certain foods or portions, so there was that extra fear of judgment. It’s one thing to eat around other disordered people when your meals are dictated. It’s another entirely when you are in control of your food choices.

Most of the women did a great job at picking a variety of foods and getting balanced plates. A couple, like myself, got only fruits and veggies. I simply could not bring myself to get anything else. I went into panic mode as soon as people started getting food and I wanted to leave.

I stayed.

I stuck it out, and in the end, I’m glad I did. After the initial awkward, we all settled in and began to feel comfortable with each other again.Before long, conversation was flowing freely and naturally, intermixed with joking, memories, and funny stories.

A couple of the ladies left early, one because she had a long drive home, and the other because she had a date. After they left, the rest of us ended up playing Bezzerwizzer. We had a blast doing that.

Toward the end, I was reading the question on the card when it wanted to know which movie the following quote is from: “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” It was hilarious given the context in which we were playing the game.

We decided to get together again next month.

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What do you like to do in your free time?

Read
Sew
Watch TV
Research
Learn new skills
Climb walls like Spiderman
Archery
Camping
Cooking
Host parties

These are all examples of ways you could answer this question. Me? “Uhh….eat…and then throw up?”

Last year, before my relapse, I signed up for a dating site on a whim, and then accidentally paid for a whole year (because, you know, who reads the fine print?).

I don’t ever go on the site, but once in a while, someone will start talking to me. I get this question a lot. Every time, I think I should just be honest so they can get scared and run away instead of feeling hurt by someone who’s not interested in them.

I was thinking about this today because I’m home alone, which I’ve mentioned doesn’t happen very often. And not just for a few hours either, but for the whole day. My first thought in these situations is always to binge and purge. I start planning it out. What I will eat, in what order. How long this or that takes to cook/bake, so when I need to start it and what I can eat while I’m waiting for it to finish. It’s pretty ridiculous.

 

“What have you been up to?”

I got a text from a friend earlier asking how I am and what I’ve been up to. I always hate being asked what I’ve been up to.

“Oh, you know, binging and purging since I woke up, dissolving laxatives in water to make them work faster, trying to put together my exercise bike so I can go back to obsessing over exercise, etc, and so on and so forth…”

I’m not telling them that.

“Oh, you know…studying…watching Netflix…”

That’s partially true. I watch Netflix sometimes when I binge.

“Well, I robbed a bank last week. It wasn’t for the money, it was just for the thrill of it. Now I freak out whenever I hear sirens. You??”

Seriously, I just never know how to respond to this.