Tonight, one of my passions started up again: football!! Yes, it’s only the preseason, but any football is fantastic! And in 3 weeks, Ducks football starts too! I love football.
Today was pretty unexciting otherwise. I exercised, I I ate, I purged through more exercise, and I avoided calling the eating disorder clinic. Maybe Monday. It’ll depend on whether I buy a car this weekend, I think.
My anxiety has been really bad lately.
This evening, I was supposed to go to a barbecue with a friend. I didn’t really want to go in the first place, but she didn’t want to go alone.
Today, my anxiety was very high. I was freaking out about going. I canceled on her.
I feel terrible. I also feel relieved.
I hate that my anxiety makes me an awful, flaky friend. I hate that it keeps me from doing things I want to, or should, do. I wish I knew how to fight it or change it, but I don’t. I’ve tried everything my counselor suggests and nothing helps.
I keep thinking about you, and that makes me sad, which makes me pedal faster.
Faster.
Faster.
One thing that many people don’t know about bulimia is the shame that is often associated with it. Shame ate the amounts of food consumed, shame at vomiting food, shame at “wasting” food, shame from laxative “accidents”, etc, etc, etc.
I haven’t felt that “bulimia shame” so strongly in a while as I did yesterday.
Normally, I am the one who does the laundry, at the laundromat, for the whole house. However, since I’ve had a fever of 102 and above for a few days, my parents went to do the laundry instead. I found myself in a unique situation: I was home alone. Naturally, I did what any good bulimic would do, I decided to binge and purge.
Who cares I was home with a fever? Who cares I was “supposed” to be out doing laundry? Who cares I had a terrible migraine? This was an opportunity that shouldn’t be wasted!
To further add to the shame, I ordered food with money I don’t have (as in it’s been budgeted for bills). Not only that, but my parents know I’m broke, so the whole time I was waiting for it to arrive and while eating it, I was terrified they would come home and find I had ordered food.
I ordered my food and waiting anxiously. I then answered the door in my shame, hoping the delivery guy couldn’t see it oozing from my skin. I then ate quickly, trying to get everything eaten before I could be discovered.
Unfortunately, I ordered more food than I could eat, which meant I had to go purge partway through. I covered my remaining food, and went to purge. The whole time I was vomiting, I kept thinking about that remaining food, about what I’d done, about how I would explain it if I was caught.
When I finished, I went back to my room to finish. The first thing I noticed was the smell of the food. Oh, great. Even if I finished, my room still smelled like that food. Even with the window open and fan going. You’d think I would have invested in air freshener, but I don’t have any.
I sat down to finish my food, eating methodically, only half-aware of what I was putting in my mouth. I watched Parks and Recreations on Netflix while I ate to help myself zone out even further. I finished my food, purged again, hid the evidence, and prayed the smell would dissipate before my parents got home.
By the time I finished both purge sessions and downing the obligatory laxatives, my migraine was pounding and it felt like my brain was frantically trying to escape my skull. I lay there in bed, pain in my head and pain in my stomach, filled with the shame of my actions, still feverish, and zoned out until I fell asleep.
Would you believe me if I said that I didn’t know what color my eyes were until yesterday?
How is this possible, you ask? Well, I avoid looking at myself in the mirror like the plague. I don’t wear makeup, and I usually do my hair without the aid of a mirror. When I do use a mirror, I look only at the spot I need to do my hair, and then leave as quickly as possible.
Growing up, I had blue eyes. On my ID, it lists my eye color as blue. However, my eyes are most definitely green. Not blue-green, not some combination, but really and truly green. My mom said that all of her children who had blue eyes as children (which is 4) have changed to green, grey, or hazel over time.
Well, that’s pretty much the whole point of this point. I just found it odd that I didn’t even know my own eye color.
I woke up still exhausted. I went through my morning routine of using the toilet, undressing, and weighing. Overnight my weight went up 6 pounds.
Despite the hours of exercise yesterday, the laxatives, the purging, I still managed to gain 6 pounds. I cried.
Then I went back to bed. I’m probably going to take some sleep meds and try to sleep for a couple days. If I’m sleeping, I’m not eating.
I woke up with a migraine. I have no motivation to do anything. I basically want to sleep all day. I don’t want to be up right now, I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to take my meds (except the painkillers I just downed), I don’t want to drink anything, I don’t want to DO anything, I don’t want to go to treatment today, I just want to go back to bed. Forever.
a2eternity 