I told the guy that I can’t be in a relationship with him. I told him I can’t be the girl he wants me to be. I can’t not be anxious and I can’t not be bipolar and I can’t believe that one day I’ll be instantly healed. I can’t do daily phone calls because phone calls make me anxious and I can’t be there for him the way he wants. I just can’t be what he wants. And being with him just makes me feel inadequate.
Journal entry from my fourth day on the psychiatric wing.
**Self-harm trigger warning**
Today was hard. My depression was high, my self-harm urges were high, my suicidal ideation was high, and my anxiety was high.
Having so many strangers (visitors) all over the place had me on edge, and not having a private place to go had me frantic. I wanted to cut., I wanted to hit walls and cause bruises, I wanted to bang my head against a wall, I wanted to stab myself, I wanted to cut my throat, I wanted to take the knife from dinner and use it to cut.
I was given Ativan. It helped mildly. It took the very edge off, and that’s all. Not what I was hoping from an anxiety medication.
I want to cut. So badly. I’m going to try to sleep instead.